81 replies to this topic

[nikkiblue]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been fighting this problem my entire life, and I've been in denial that I am able to drink. I can't.

I don't understand myself. I guess that's part of the disease, but what the heck am I thinking when I decided to get myself so drunk that I don't even know what I'm doing or saying. I can't remember anything the next day. Poor Augie had to deal with me throwing up on myself at Jnjn's birthday party. I've tried to stop last year, but somehow convinced myself that it was OK to drink again.... and it's been snowballing lately. I need to get control of myself, and I have to believe in myself that I can do this. What, am I going to wait until something REALLY bad happens to learn? How have I not learned already?

Enough is enough. My name is nicole, and I can't drink. It's just that simple. I can do this.

[TEO]

Meetings Nichole, really utilize the support networks that are there, it will greatly help you as you change your life one day at a time.

[nikkiblue]

I dread the thought of it, to be perfectly honest. Not the stopping drinking, just the meetings. Today I feel like I have the power, but thats today.

I guess one of the things I dread the most, is how differently people treat you when your not drinking . Like Im a leper or something.

[In A Silent Way]

Don't drink, and go to meetings. One day at a time. New playgrounds and new playmates.

Here's a little secret: most people don't notice you're not drinking, and most of your old buddies won't even notice you're gone.

[TEO]

This process may help you to learn to truly love yourself.

If people treat you different, other than more respectfully, then they are the type of people that are taking up space where the right ones could be.

Much Love, Strength, Fortitude, Comfort & Support

[In A Silent Way]

I almost forgot to add this:

[nikkiblue]

Dave, I would have to get rid of all my friends! lol.

[nikkiblue]

This process may help you to learn to truly love yourself.

If people treat you different, other than more respectfully, then they are the type of people that are taking up space where the right ones could be.

Much Love, Strength, Fortitude, Comfort & Support

Thank You. I'm realizing that the loving myself part needs a lot of work.

[In A Silent Way]

The only friend you have to get rid of today is the one that comes in a bottle.

[nikkiblue]

The only friend you have to get rid of today is the one that comes in a bottle.

I like that. Reading this forum has been helping. It's not going to be easy.

[TakeAStepBack]

The only friend you have to get rid of today is the one that comes in a bottle.

This.

If a "friend" judges you or treats you different because you gave up the sauce, were they really your friend to begin with?

In this case, you gotta do you and leave behind the feeling that people are going to judge you for your choices. Look, Im judging you right now, you're judging you too. None of it means shit. Judge away, I say. But it is me that has to live with me.

(I hope this doesn't come off all assholish and what not. Prolly will though, prolly.)

[nikkiblue]

not at all.

[SpeedwayBoogie]

It certainly helps to hang out with people that 'get it'. If I'm into 'not drinking' I'm gonna hang out with people that are not drinking. Otherwise, what's the point. I'm still friends with a lot of people I drank with, some have gotten into recovery and others are just very cool, understanding people.
A lot of changes have to be made, but it all works out. It feels weird at first, but it helps to be around others that can help.
When it gets better, it gets real good!!

[Karen]

I dread the thought of it, to be perfectly honest. Not the stopping drinking, just the meetings. Today I feel like I have the power, but thats today.

I guess one of the things I dread the most, is how differently people treat you when your not drinking . Like Im a leper or something.

Surrounding yourself with likeminded folks at meetings is an excellent support system and I know it works for so many people.
Do yourself a favor and get the alcohol out of the house too

I don't think anyone will treat you like a leper honey. If anything, they will be happy that you are doing what is best for you. If there are folks that are NOT supportive, get far, far away from them.

I love you

[Lazy Lightning]

You can do this Nikki - and I know there will be lots of love and support there for you anytime you require it.

[Tim the Beek]

I guess one of the things I dread the most, is how differently people treat you when your not drinking . Like Im a leper or something.

Anyone who treats me differently (other than with support and respect) because of something like this isn't someone I want in my life. When I stopped drinking, the only people who had a problem with it were people who, in all likelihood, had a problem with booze themselves...one big enough that defending their deal was more important to them than caring that I was ok.

I count them differently than the folks who say, "Really? Are you sure I can't just get you one?" Those folks aren't trying to bring me down. They just don't understand...

[sums]

(((nikki)))

much love and support and strength to you!

[In A Silent Way]

I count them differently than the folks who say, "Really? Are you sure I can't just get you one?" Those folks aren't trying to bring me down. They just don't understand...

If a person understands, no explanation is necessary. If a person doesn't understand, no explanation is possible.

[KrisNYG]

If a person understands, no explanation is necessary. If a person doesn't understand, no explanation is possible.

Wise words right there. (((((((Nikki))))))) I you and promise I won't treat you like a leper.

[Jersey Thug]

leap, and the net will appear.

we love you Nicole and want you to be happy and healthy and fully present in your life. i'm so proud of you and i know you can do whatever you set your mind to. anyone who doesn't support you in this doesn't have your back, but for every one of those folks there are many, many more who will stand by you and cheer you on, every step of the way.

instead of stressing about the stuff and people you can't control, focus on the positive aspects of your sobriety - maybe even list them now, here or in a place only you will see if you prefer...and never lose sight of them.

some that helped me when i was making changes in my own life/behavior:


- waking up feeling great, unburdened by a hangover or that awful "what did i do last night?" feeling
- creating real memories, not hazy ones that others help me piece together later
- decreased worries about long-term health risks associated with my past behavior
- deeper relationships based on things that are real and which matter to me
- breaking the cycle of super high highs and awful lows that throw me off mentally, physically and spiritually
- no longer feeling unsettled/dissatisfied/bored/overwhelmed by real, everyday life
- a clear mind that supports me in making healthier decisions in all aspects of life

love you lady

[deadheadskier]

This.

If a "friend" judges you or treats you different because you gave up the sauce, were they really your friend to begin with?

+1

a true friendship is never affected when one friend decides to go sober. My best friend of 20 years gave up drinking 3+ years ago. The number of epic benders he and I went on over the years was countless. It has not changed my relationship with him in the slightest.

The relationship it did change is that with his wife. They were on the brink of divorce and separated for nearly 9 months, he living in Maine and her having moved back home to Florida. With both of them, the booze was the toxic problem in their relationship. Now their relationship is solid as can be and they are both extremely healthy and probably lucky to be alive.

good luck Nikki. You have plenty of support and can do this if you want to.

[Depends]

No leper treatment from me either. I won't be doing any bath salts, so I prolly won't be eating your face any time soon either. Just sayin'


Good luck...

[Terry Bo Berry]

Nicole- If you are brave enough to start this thread, then I am brave enough to jump in as well. My had my last drink on March 25th. I am attending meetings and not drinking. That's all it takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Terry Bo Berry]

FEAR was my greatest obstacle.

[Mr Bo Berry]

Nicole, It has been since may 24 for me. We have even been to 4 fests since stopping. The last week and a half I have been going to meetings also and they are nothing to be scared of. First, you have to want to stop. Then go to meetings and embrace the process. The support we have received from fellow friends and boardies have been amazing. No judgements, just support. If your friends at home can't respect your decision to do what you have to do for yourself, then they are not really your friends.It's your life and do what you have to do to make it work and be happy. You defintely have our love and support.

[tyedyedee]

i didnt enjoy hanging with terry or steve one bit less (without booze) at strangecreek

nikki, i am proud of you
you can do it!

[TEO]

[sums]

much support to you, terry & steve!

[roo]

FEAR was my greatest obstacle.

F.. uck
E.. everyone
A.. and
R.. ecover

[George]

Welcome to recovery! Getting sober was hard but it is the single greatest thing I ever did for the people who love me. No one cried because of me or my actions today. That is amazing. A.A. is not the only way but it sure as hell saved my life! I look foward to meeting you at a meeting at Vibes!

[sarah b.]

Oh, nikki, that's fucking awesome! And yeah, boberries!!

Peter Tork says it's still one day at a time, since, um, 1981, I think. You can do one day. And then one more. Repeat.

Brilliant, Roo! I should cross-stitch that somewhere.

[In A Silent Way]

We are everywhere.

[nikkiblue]

wow. I haven't checked in in 3 days... I can't even process the amount of love I feel right now... You guys are just fucking amazing!

So far, so good...I made it through a Phish show without a problem, and tonight I made it through the freestyle guido fest without even caring. I'm hanging in there. Terry & steve & roo & IASW & george & tim... I'm proud to be stickin it through with you guys....!

[In A Silent Way]

Did you find the Phellowship table? You know where to find the Wharf Rats at Vibes, right?

[Eco]

Nikkiblue, congrats on your progress! Also props for sharing it with the community, each time someone shares someone might give in a try when they have the support.

[Karen]

Go Nikki!

Go Nikki!

[deadphan]

kudos to you for starting this thread nikki, and congrats for recognizing the problem. get to a meeting though, seriously. white knuckling it is not very much fun, meetings have taught me how to live sober. I do more now than I ever did when I was using, and I never thought it was possible. Do yourself a favor and make it easier. I've seen too many friends who were going to get sober just "wing it" and the were going to do it on their own. A few are dead and none are sober. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just being real and I'm pulling for ya! Hope everything is good and remember, if you stumble get up, dust yourself off and keep on going! much love.

[In A Silent Way]

Ser-biz. Use the tools provided: meetings, sponsor, literature. If your best thinking got you into the hole, listen to the people who have been there and know the way out.

[china cat]

Nikki

First and foremost, I love you.

It takes an authentic, reflective, humble, and really courageous person to admit her woundedness. Addiction is always a symptom of underlying pain. I think sobriety is challenging because we can no longer hide under the covers of our drug of choice. That means, we gotta deal with it--we gotta really, really feel it. And it's really worth feeling because it allows you to heal so as to live your life in love, not fear.

I think AA meetings are a great idea. We're all wounded, Nikki. It's really healthy, when our wounds manifest in unhealthy ways, to seek out others who are choosing a better path. I went to a meeting recently to support a dear friend and I'll tell you this, I was humbled by the bravery and honesty I witnessed there. There are some incredibly beautiful people who are strong enough to share their vulnerability. I much prefer the company of the people I met at that meeting, than to others living their lives pretending. I encourage you to throw out your ideas and fears about AA and give it a try.

When you make better choices, your life will begin to change, it will open up in ways you never thought possible. Some friendships and activities might disappear, but I can promise you better friends and activities will manifest.

Reach out when in struggle, especially to those who are successfully living healthy, happy, empowered, and sober lives. You've got a bunch of good folks right here.

some resources....

http://www.amazon.co...u/dp/1570624097

http://www.amazon.co.../ref=pd_sim_b_1

http://www.amazon.co...f+wounded+souls

http://www.amazon.co...ical+acceptance

[china cat]

HOW TO WORK WITH ADDICTIONS

The teachings tell us that there is suffering.

There is dissatisfaction and frustration. Often nothing seems to go right. There really is a wound. But it is not necessary to scratch it. Working with addictions is about not just impulsively grabbing for something to stop the itching, not just grabbing for something to fill up the space, not giving in to this impulse to feel okay and just to get comfortable as soon as possible.

When we scratch the wound and give into our addictions we do not allow the wound to heal. But when we instead experience the raw quality of the itch or pain of the wound and do not scratch it, we actually allow the wound to heal. So not giving in to our addictions is about healing at a very basic level.

It is about truly nourishing ourselves.

The view that is presented in the Buddhist teachings is not one of becoming a better person, or finally getting it right, but is a view based on trusting what we already have, of starting and staying where we already are.

So with letting go of an addiction, the instruction is the same, it is instruction to get in touch with our basic nature, to get in touch with the basic energy of the moment in which we are all caught up. Addictions can be to anything: we can use this process with what we traditionally call addictions or we can use this working with so-called negative feelings of all kinds.

The moment in which we give in to our addictions is a moment in which we are all caught up —in which there is tremendous karmic momentum to go forward in the same old way —to scratch the wound. This can be a wound which really bothers us —we can see the wound bleeding, we can see it getting worse and we will not stop scratching. We can actually even feel quite nauseated by what we are doing, but we just will not stop!

What allows us to stop is maitri, which in this case means a basic feeling that we do not have to be afraid of what we are feeling right now, that we do not have to look for alternatives, that we aren't ashamed of what we are feeling in this moment. We are scared of what we are feeling. Instead, we can just let our warmth toward the wound, or the warmth toward that instant of time just be there as the working basis.

Maitri is settling down with the situation without looking for alternatives.

Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche talks about three stages in this process. The first is the warmth or maitri, the second is dropping discursive thinking and opening and the third is communicating. When we drop the discursive thinking and open, or communicate, what that basically means is that we we contact the moment fully.

At each moment of time, we can just completely cut discursiveness and open to the moment as an act of total freedom. We can cut through the solidity of identity, can cut through the solidity of our sense of identity, can cut through the solidity of our sense of problem and can just let the problem go. We can cut through the strong sense of "I need this now," "I have to get something out of this," we can cut through that.

But in order to do this we have to develop a sense that it is safe to stay with the present and not look for alternatives, that it is completely safe and even useful not to look for alternatives. Another way of looking at this is to say that we have a sense of warmth for the uncomfortable energy of the present moment, for the raw quality of energy, regardless of how irritating it is. And instead of being ashamed of being all caught up, we begin to regard it as a valuable place to be in. So there is some work that we need to do in preparation.

But what is so liberating about this that it is not saying that we just have to laboriously work and work forever. Once we have developed the habit of trusting, we can just abruptly cut, and find freedom. So the basis is maitri —that is the first moment. And the second moment is cutting discursive thoughts and opening like a flashbulb going off. And then communicating with what remains. When these moments become more continuous it is given a fancy name like samadhi or enlightenment.

And the most powerful time to do this is when we are all caught up.

There is a teaching, a very advanced teaching which people always perk up whan they hear which says, The more neurosis, the more wisdom. People like this because they know they have a lot of neurosis. But no one can really understand this at first hearing because it doesn't ever feel like "the more neurosis, the more wisdom." It actually feels like "the more neurosis, the more despair." But what I have found in working with this is that if you are all caught up and it occurs to you to just open, there is so much energy which is available to wake up —there is so much more energy available at this time.

Often you feel that you cannot let go. But if you have the courage to just experiment with abruptly opening at this time, there is enormous ability to have the mind open completely because there is so much energy. Of course the energy is pregnant with wanting to close right back down into the discursiveness or the mood that you are in. But you do get "the most for your money," the most for your moment at this time when you are all caught up. You get the most for your instant —you are propelled further than you would otherwise go on the energy which pushes you further. The hardest time to do this practice is also the most powerful time to do the practice.

http://www.shambhala.../addictions.php

[china cat]

[nikkiblue]

It's funny how some days are harder to fight it then others... Today was fine. no happy hour thoughts.... yesterday afternoon in the sunshine, I wanted a darn beer! I'm taking in everything everyone is saying... I really am (well, CC, I haven't explored your plethora of information righ tthere.. lol. ) What I meant about people "treating me differently' wasnt a matter of disrespect... It's quite the opposite. what I AM afraid of is people NOT wanting to party in front of me, out of respect. Giving up the friends I have would break me more then any effect that drinking can have on me. It's MY problem nobody elses, ya know? This being said, my opinion about AA meetings....Well, for now, is not something I am seeking. They are not for everyone, and I have gone to several in my lifetime. (with friends/school assignments/for myself) so I'm not just saying it with no experience. I have a HUGE support system... I have a large number of friends )Mostly YOU guys) who I can call if I need to. My own worst enemy is myself.... Not influence of others. Its the times when I'm home alone and drink the 12 pack all by myself, that is the most self destructive...

I know I have so many people here who enlighten me and support me in every way.... Maybe we can do boardie step assignments... What is step 1? lol.

[nikkiblue]

I will watch soon after religulous is over....lol.

[jnjn]

i love you tons & tons & tons

[Karen]

...what I AM afraid of is people NOT wanting to party in front of me, out of respect. Giving up the friends I have would break me more then any effect that drinking can have on me. It's MY problem nobody elses, ya know?

My own worst enemy is myself.... Not influence of others. Its the times when I'm home alone and drink the 12 pack all by myself, that is the most self destructive...

I know I have so many people here who enlighten me and support me in every way.... Maybe we can do boardie step assignments... What is step 1? lol.

You do have a ton of support from your friends! There is an abundance of Nikki love out there. And, I do agree that you are your own worse enemy. Jeez, that goes for all of us! (being our own worst enemy) When it comes to the influence of others, I agree, there isn't anyone out there that can make us do anything we don't want to do.

It it worth consideration though, in the early days of sobriety, hanging out with folks that are drinking is not the best support system... Just sayin' sweetie. It is what it is. There is an expression...'don't go to the barbershop if you don't want to get a haircut' (something like that). You may have 'f**k it' moment and say to a friend who is drinking, 'f**k it, I am just going to have a couple' and typically the person who is drinking will not argue with you. I've seen it happen many, many times. It doesn't make that person less of a friend, it's just human nature. Granted, this won't be every friend, but it could be many... Just some food for thought.

I love ya girl. You are an amazing, brilliant diamond, so shine on! XO

[roo]

Nicole.. i suggest (from personl experience with you as a friend) you try.. just try one AA meeting. there are people there who have been sober for many years who know (only because they too at some point in the life) where you are and what you are going through. I am still shocked when i talk to someone new who tells me exactly what im thinking and going through and the guy has not EVER met me before.

there are many many meetings in your area ,even at the fish church.

[deadphan]

Nicole, I understand where you're coming from, I had my own thoughts about AA as I had been to meetings before for various reasons before I really wanted to get sober, and my experience was that it's a whooooole different ball game when you're there for the right reasons. When you go in and let folks know who you are and that you WANT to be sober, it's been my experience, that it changes the ball game. I also had all kinds of pre conceived notions about AA concerning certain aspects about meetings that I thought I knew as "fact," especially the higher power part of it. When I got out of rehab they suggested that I shut up and stop thinking, my talking and thinking led me to the place I was, and to not drink and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And I suggest to you the same thing that was suggested to me, don't drink and go to 90 in 90. If after 3 months it's not for you and you've gave an honest effort of getting a female sponsor and all that jazz, then the worst thing that comes out of it is you lost an hour a day out of your life and your at 90 days sober, which isn't so bad. food for that. you'll do what you want. good luck.

[In A Silent Way]

Why do I go to meetings? Because that's where the sobriety is.

They told me "Try it for 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll gladly refund your misery."

[deadphan]

Why do I go to meetings? Because that's where the sobriety is.

They told me "Try it for 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll gladly refund your misery."

bingo. I go to meetings to learn how to live sober, because I never had any idea how to before.

[seany]

Nikki - please come check out the Wharf rats crew over in the non-profit village. Good group : ) And you can hang with me and Allie for a while if you want. We're both hanging around there checking on the NPOs. Allie is pregnant and I don't drink while working during the day at vibes. Actually, I really don't drink much at all at fests that I work now. Guess I grew up (somewhat) and I just take my responsibility a little more seriously. I might have one night that I let loose, but I'm generally in check.

Anyway - very proud of you