50 replies to this topic

[Occifer Boland]

this may be coming off the wrong way... but i just need some help.. i am not looking to divorce my wife.. but since just before our 2nd child was born... we haven't "been" a couple.. early in our 7 year marriage, she was unfaithful.. we got past it.. and started our family.. and things were great... but , to put it all out there... and i apologize for posting personal "laundry".. but, she has been back to work recently.. and i am getting that same feeling i had years ago when she cheated.. i don't think she is.. but, what do i do if things don't work out?? i wouldn't know what to do without my kids! the wife has been arguing with me more about shit that is important to me.. or making feel bad about things, where i should be commended.. . any help would be appreciated.. love you guys

[Jwheelz]

I really don't have any relevant or useful advice, but I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and it must be painful... life has lots of little (and big) ups and downs and sometimes the downs are really hard to deal with so I wish you the best and hope you can work things out in a positive way. I will leave it to the more experienced boardies to help you gain insight into your questions

(((occifer)))

[Occifer Boland]

thanks buddy... and, again, i apologize for throwing this out there.. trust me, i love my wife... and this is maybe just a rut i am going through... but from 3 weeks ago, when i was dealing with the 10 years of my brothers' passing.. she was so, totally, not understanding and told me to get over it already... that got me thinking.. and a few other things have happened since then.... i know i am not a perfect husband... but , i think that i do well... i try to be the best father i can possibly be.. since mine wasn't there for me... i try to be the best husband i can be.. despite past events..

[Occifer Boland]

thread title is a bit extreme... i am not looking to get divorced.... but, just looking toward future.. and if it were to happen.. i want to know what to be in for... i couldn't imagine not seeing my kids everyday... You guys will see.. during Vibes.. i will be making random phone calls so i can talk to my 4 year old... something about him saying goodnight to me is so special

[gregoir]

No advice but you seem like an extremely good man Mr. Boland. I hope things work out for the best.

[Occifer Boland]

thanks gregoir... trust me, i have had my faults over the years... but i feel i have resolved them since my kids were born.. and i feel i have been trying 100% to fix anything else that was a negative in my life... Do i just go on hoping things will get better?? i love my wife, don't get me wrong... but i haven't felt "in love" with her since my 1st son was born.. fucking early mid-life crisis!!!

[TEO]

Counseling with a counselor who gets it without pandering to you. Someone to help you look at things from varying perspectives, someone to give you tools, not someone who just charges $ to listen.

[Royal]

I agree with TEO .. sorry youre having troubles. For what its worth ive found more productive experience with social workers than psychologists

[KrisNYG]

I also agree with TEO on this one. Good luck Occifer.

[TEO]

I agree with Royal re: CSW vs. psychologist.

[Dr. StrangeHat]

Ok, I'm going to take the blunt, frank approach on this, even though it's a touchy subject...

You put "divorce" in the title, and then state "I am not looking to divorce my wife" twice in this thread without provocation. I'm not buying it. It's cearly a topic/word/event that is on your mind, and that topic/word/event is obviously a very precarious one. I can't speak from experience, but I do think that more communication appears needed in your relationship, along with couples' counseling. Hopefully that will help re-establish trust, which is the key ingredient in any relationship and something you appear to have lost.

Best of luck, my good man

[Depends]

occifer,

ill talk to ya at vibes. I dont tell my story on teh boards, but ill tell ya that I have 2 small kids that I will call from vibes.

[Occifer Boland]

strangehat... you are right... when i posted the thread topic.. i was seeing if there were any single/divorced parents out there.. and how they manage life with their kids.. .. i kind of went on a rant and went WAY off topic... i apologize for that..
.. TEO.. we did the counseling thing a couple of years ago.. it kind of helped.. but she was not feeling it.. And me being a social worker/psychology major is like a big cluster fuck when i go to see a professional.. lol. But, i am taking all of your guys advice and putting into great consideration.

[Occifer Boland]

talk to you at Vibes, Depends.. thanks!

[gregoir]

I would advise speaking with unbroken chain amongst others around here.

[TEO]

Hoping for the best for you and your family.

[georgi]

Lots of love to you buddy!

[Occifer Boland]

thanks...i apologize.. if my rant ended up ruffling some feathers.. i had a long week.. actually long few weeks.. and felt very unappreciated for what was done for our lives and household.. and kinda snapped.. and she doesn't wanna always listen.. so i went to you guys.. Thank you again.

[TEO]

No feathers ruffled here.

[MeOmYo]

Although no children of my own, I could speak from a childs perspective as my patent got divorced when i was 5. Also from the perspective of dating a single mother.

[mamapajama]

If there is anything you can do to work on your relationship, do it. The kids are worth it. You and your wife are worth it. Family...is worth it.

and, for anything further, I too, am going to be at Vibes and know how this rolls all too well

[Jwheelz]

I had a different rough situation last week and came on here to vent rather than continuing to blow up verbally at the people that were making me feel that way... I think we all have our times and I know I personally have no qualms against reading and giving positive thoughts when people from this community are in trouble or struggling in their lives.

I think it's one of the great things about this place, no feathers ruffled here either. I feel for you though, it hurts to have someone you're committed to treating you like your feelings don't matter, I've definitely been there. I agree with the others who suggested counseling, even if you've already been there, circumstances may be different this time around and maybe your wife's attitudes may have softened towards the idea.

Ultimately if you feel it's something that's important to you and worth holding onto, you're going to do what it takes to keep things going, whatever that means. If you ever get to a point where you feel it's not worth trying to remedy the situation, you may have to make some difficult choices. Hopefully it never comes to that, but if it does then it's good to know there are a number of people here you can talk to that can help you out.

But whatever the case is again I wish you luck, looking forward to meeting you at vibes (remembering said meeting is a different story )

[Occifer Boland]

Damn.. That was awesome jwheelz.. Thank you!!! I think you can be my counselor... But, for real.. I take all this advice in... I will have a nice and long discussion with my wife Within nex few days... Not this weekend, as it's my sons 4th birthday with 2 parties for him

[Eco]

Find a fuck buddy at a festival in a month, don't exchange real names or numbers= no long term possibilities and come home with a fresh attitude. Even better random sex with several partners will boast back up your ego. Thumbs up for sharing your story on here, like others I don't but share openly in person.

[Occifer Boland]

Thanks , Eco !

[gregoir]

boland if you ever need to talk I am a good listener and will tell it like it is. Sometimes it's easier to tell things to people we don't know that well.

[gregoir]

I just sent you a friend request on FB in case you are all who the fuck is this guy

[deadheadskier]

Ok, I'm going to take the blunt, frank approach on this, even though it's a touchy subject...

You put "divorce" in the title, and then state "I am not looking to divorce my wife" twice in this thread without provocation. I'm not buying it. It's cearly a topic/word/event that is on your mind, and that topic/word/event is obviously a very precarious one. I can't speak from experience, but I do think that more communication appears needed in your relationship, along with couples' counseling. Hopefully that will help re-establish trust, which is the key ingredient in any relationship and something you appear to have lost.

Best of luck, my good man

very much this

good luck occifer! Plenty of family here to help in whatever way we can

[GoPlastic]

Sorry to hear this of course. I'm divorced and share custody of our son. If you have any questions, want any advice, etc. just PM me and I'd be happy to help in any way I can via more private channels.

[vinandtonic]

marriage counseling, and yes I agree with the social worker preference. although for it to work you both have to put in the same effort and WANT it to work.

best of luck

[Spidergawd]

I'd be happy to join the convo with you and Depends, Occifer. I have my own story to share, plus I'd just like to meet you and hang out.

What I will say here is that you cannot go wrong taking the high road in terms of how you react and how you act with the kids. It may be tempting to do otherwise, but being the "good one" will help in a lot of ways.

Good luck to you buddy.

[Terrapin Station]

My .4 cents occifer....

If you truly feel that it cannot be saved and you two creating a unhealthy environment for the kids then its time to move on. As much as you want it to work and hope it will pan out, the fighting(if there is) and neglect in front of the kids is worse.

Signed- a kid who was raised in a fighting household till age 9. Not fun at all.

[August West]

lot's of good advice here. working on effective communication seems to be the general consensus. work on it before one of you gives up and or leaves. i was married 4 1/2 years, my wife left when the boys were 1 and 2 1/2 (now 24 and 23).

[Occifer Boland]

Thanks again guys... The fighting in front of the kids worries me... Cause that's all I saw as a kid............... But in good news... After your guys awesome advice.... I decided to talk to the mrs. Occifer.... We ended up talking for 3 hours after kids were past out... While we may seek counselIng, we are going to see how the next month goes before we try that, again. Have some more "us" time... Dinner alone at least one night a week... And some other things, like just going out for a walk. We'll see what happens ... Again, I apologize for using the word "divorce " in this thread... I was just worried as to "what if".. I think our chat last night put us in a positive direction and I owe much of it to all of your help... Love you guys!!!!

[TEO]

[elder]

All I can say dude is use your gut instincts, and follow your heart.
Life is too short not to be happy.

[jme]

so glad to see that post at the bottom of this, man.

we had our issues before we were married, and before we had our daughter, but we learned one thing that has been with us since.

COMMUNICATION is the key to the entire thing.. HEARING and LISTENING are the core to that. being there for each other in the worst of times is not easy, but you chose each other and committed to each other, and now the children. Until all of that is exhausted (including the help of outside therapy) don't let the divorce idea make its way in.

I have more, but have to run.. if you want an ear feel free to reach out

[jnjn]

Thanks again guys... The fighting in front of the kids worries me... Cause that's all I saw as a kid............... But in good news... After your guys awesome advice.... I decided to talk to the mrs. Occifer.... We ended up talking for 3 hours after kids were past out... While we may seek counselIng, we are going to see how the next month goes before we try that, again. Have some more "us" time... Dinner alone at least one night a week... And some other things, like just going out for a walk. We'll see what happens ... Again, I apologize for using the word "divorce " in this thread... I was just worried as to "what if".. I think our chat last night put us in a positive direction and I owe much of it to all of your help... Love you guys!!!!

this is good to hear

i was also going to suggest marriage counseling or perhaps separate personal counseling if need be.
spending more quality time together sans children helps too...sometimes couples need to be reminded of what made them fall in love in the first place & it's hard to understand that while dealing w/ the daily stressors of family/work life. open communication as to where you both are & what you see for the future is key. a lot of times we don't realize how much we've grown apart from one another over the years. maybe a vacation together or separate vacations to clear ones head?

best of luck to you & your family, occifer

[elder]

Thanks again guys... The fighting in front of the kids worries me... Cause that's all I saw as a kid............... But in good news... After your guys awesome advice.... I decided to talk to the mrs. Occifer.... We ended up talking for 3 hours after kids were past out... While we may seek counselIng, we are going to see how the next month goes before we try that, again. Have some more "us" time... Dinner alone at least one night a week... And some other things, like just going out for a walk. We'll see what happens ... Again, I apologize for using the word "divorce " in this thread... I was just worried as to "what if".. I think our chat last night put us in a positive direction and I owe much of it to all of your help... Love you guys!!!!

Good for you man. Heres to family happiness

[GoPlastic]

good luck, stay positive!

[Karen]

Thanks again guys... The fighting in front of the kids worries me... Cause that's all I saw as a kid............... But in good news... After your guys awesome advice.... I decided to talk to the mrs. Occifer.... We ended up talking for 3 hours after kids were past out... While we may seek counselIng, we are going to see how the next month goes before we try that, again. Have some more "us" time... Dinner alone at least one night a week... And some other things, like just going out for a walk. We'll see what happens ... Again, I apologize for using the word "divorce " in this thread... I was just worried as to "what if".. I think our chat last night put us in a positive direction and I owe much of it to all of your help... Love you guys!!!!

This is great news!

Communication, communication ,communication

[JBetty]

I'd be happy to join the convo with you and Depends, Occifer. I have my own story to share, plus I'd just like to meet you and hang out.

What I will say here is that you cannot go wrong taking the high road in terms of how you react and how you act with the kids. It may be tempting to do otherwise, but being the "good one" will help in a lot of ways.

Good luck to you buddy.

^ This. All of this. Especially the high road.
Be happy to join in if you're interested in a woman's point of view.

[Spidergawd]

Be happy to join in if you're interested in a woman's point of view.

Wait, since when do we get the CHOICE??

[Depends]

Be happy to join in if you're interested in a woman's point of view.

You may wanna rethink that offer if he takes Eco's advise....

[JBetty]

Wait, since when do we get the CHOICE??

Feel free to add me to your ignore list.

You may wanna rethink that offer if he takes Eco's advise....

How did I miss that!

[Spidergawd]

[SunSyl]

Find a fuck buddy at a festival in a month, don't exchange real names or numbers= no long term possibilities and come home with a fresh attitude. Even better random sex with several partners will boast back up your ego. Thumbs up for sharing your story on here, like others I don't but share openly in person.

i was going to stay away from this convo. not that much experience BUT this comment almost upset me.
my personal belief (other than infidelity is one of my biggest pet peeves) is that if the relationship is already compromised because of lack of trust, and you are not in an open relationship, cheating is still cheating and will decrease that trust even further. i dont even know how you can suggest him fucking around on his wife. He was on the other end, knows it hurts the other spouse, why perpetuate this terrible behavior. two wrongs dont make it right.
IMHO

[gregoir]

i was going to stay away from this convo. not that much experience BUT this comment almost upset me.
my personal belief (other than infidelity is one of my biggest pet peeves) is that if the relationship is already compromised because of lack of trust, and you are not in an open relationship, cheating is still cheating and will decrease that trust even further. i dont even know how you can suggest him fucking around on his wife. He was on the other end, knows it hurts the other spouse, why perpetuate this terrible behavior. two wrongs dont make it right.
IMHO

don't feed the troll

[TEO]

Yeah SunSyl you'll find that much of his postings are along a similar vein.

[unbroken_chain]

The kids will absorb the debris their folks emit.
Hug em more than ever, they have keen perceptions and reassurance is key.
See u at vibes for storytime