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#1 Jersey_Girl

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Posted 28 September 2010 - 09:59 PM

i got a call from my friend, Vanessa, who was my step sister growing up, but b/c my dad and i don't talk i really would to call her my friend...okay anyway...turns out my dad's mom is dying of cancer, stage 4 inoperable ovarian ca....i haven't seen my grandma since Vanessa's wedding...I thought Vanessa's wedding would be a catalyst or something for my dad and i to become close again, and with his family....at the wedding my grandmother told me i was a bad daughter for not talking to my dad....that was the last time i saw/talked to her....her dying wish is not to have "every one visit her" she doesn't want to see people she hasn't recently seen.

this hurts.

the issues my father and i have shouldn't interfere with in the rest of the family...

i thought my grandmother was invincible...i don't know...she's been sick for years...and always came through...and i always thought that beyond my dad's depression/situation, he would always call me, to let me know how my grandmother is doing.

i want to respect her wishes, but i also want her to know that I do love her even if we don't talk, and am soo grateful for all of life sessions she has taught me when i was younger and that even though we aren't close that this isn't affecting me.

there is soooo much in this, and it's hard to start from scratch and tell you all the story and all the dynamics with in this "family" that i was raised in..where people went years not talking to each other...this is the norm that i know of from that side of the family.


i am still close with my cousin...my estranged dad's estranged sisters son who lives with my grandma...i sent him a facebook message just telling him i have vacation time and would like to meet up...especially since im not spose to know that my grandmother has limited time left...

and then there's vanessa...my bestfriend, my stepsister with a dad i don't have....who comes from a famiy of togetherness and being there and thinks i should drop everything and go with her to pennsylvania to my grandma's apartment who doesn't want me there not realizing that thay may hurt her more than terms that she may have already come to with me not being in her life...


I don't know...

i'm not asking for answer or cyber hugs...i just need an outlet...and will me coming back to this thread...

thanks for reading this crap i am in.

#2 Jersey Thug

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Posted 29 September 2010 - 08:57 PM

i'm sorry you are struggling with these issues, and that your grandmom is so ill. :heart:

i understand where your grandmother is coming from, in that if i were sick and dying, i would not want those people in my family who i have not seen or been real 'family' with in years to come running to my side out of a sense of duty, guilt or any other negative emotion.

as for respecting her wishes: if you were to visit her, would it be for any of those reasons? guilt, responsibility, etc? because if your visit would be to make YOU feel better, i wouldn't do it. it's likely that she will have plenty of folks surrounding her in her last days, and in the end, family is the people you surround yourself with and not necessarily the ones you're given at birth.

if that is not the case, i would write her a note (a concise, short one, preferably) and ask Vanessa to read it to her when they have a few moments alone. have her plead your case, and if after hearing you out she has a change of heart or would like to see you, go for a visit to pay respect to your grandmother while she's still alive.

or call her and tell her that yourself if she's able to talk on the phone, and go from there.

either way i would definitely use this, and expand on it or not as you see fit:

i want to respect her wishes, but i also want her to know that I do love her even if we don't talk, and am soo grateful for all of life sessions she has taught me when i was younger and that even though we aren't close that this is affecting me.

because i think, no matter the circumstances, that it is nice to know you made a difference in a person's life that stuck, and that you are loved despite family politics.

i know that more than one person has told me, toward the end of their life, that that is all they ever wanted to accomplish - to make an impact, to improve the world in some way, no matter how small - and if you feel that way toward her, she will probably appreciate knowing that, even if she's not up for much company these days.

best wishes :heart: losing someone is hard, and made more complicated by family messiness. but either way, remember the good times you shared, and take ALL of it as a life lesson. she's still teaching you, it seems to me. :heart:

#3 TEO

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 03:35 PM

Yep, I would send a heartfelt note, letting her know how much the lessons she taught have meant to you, and that you love her. Further, if there is any trugh to this, that you did not have the maturity, wisdom or strength at the time to process and act in bringing your family closer together.

#4 Jersey_Girl

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 10:34 PM

Yep, I would send a heartfelt note, letting her know how much the lessons she taught have meant to you, and that you love her. Further, if there is any trugh to this, that you did not have the maturity, wisdom or strength at the time to process and act in bringing your family closer together.



maturity? wisdom?


When people put you down, and make you feel not welcomed...you walk away...which is what I did. She called me a bad daughter...she and my father left me. just like her daughter left her...that family is crazy..and it was in my best decision to walk away. Which I don't regret...It hurts hearing she doesn't want me around, but that's what she wants...I know how I feel about everything...and I don't think I would've done anything differently. It's a shame her and I were unable to disregard my dad and have our own relationship, but it's what it is, was, and will be.

I do love the time I shared, I will forever remember our moments together, which were in the past when I was a child...We both lost touch, but I know I walked away from an unhealthy environment.

I'm more hurt that even through this my dad can not pick up the phone and call me and include me in his life. I dont want to be where I'm not welcomed or wanted.

In my life with this family there was nothing I could do to be apart of them, I tried everything, and was more mature than my years old through out a lot of it. I know what I shared, she doesn't want to hear any of it, so why should I bother if it's not going to change anything. Yes I am very apathetic about this...but going to her in these last moments is not going to change ANYTHING between ANYONE in that FAMILY b/c this isn't a first for them.

I went to my brother and finally told him...and he reminded me of when we were close with her and went to visit her in the hospital for anemia, and she yelled at us for going and driving and missing work to see her, she doesn't want anyone around...and it's not going to make her feel better, from what I know in the past with her...so it is what it is.

perhaps here wasn't the right outlet to let my emotions go..

again i wasn't asking for help.

#5 TEO

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Posted 03 October 2010 - 01:24 AM

No worries, sometimes taking the high road makes one feel better in the long run.
As I said, if there was any truth to it.

In the end, we all have only to live with ourself and our own conscience.
We need peace with our own actions or inactions. :heart:

#6 sarah b.

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Posted 10 October 2010 - 06:09 AM

Sorry to hear your dad doesn't realize he's losing out by not having you in his life. May your wonderful self grow with strength and wisdom as you ensure the insanity you've endured isn't passed on to any subsequent generation of your own creation. :heart: