100 replies to this topic

[Tim the Beek]

Sex is an important part of any romantic love relationship.

Sustained lack of it is generally a sign of deeper problems than not having sex.

[Karen]

It is as important as each partner deems it to be. LIke anything, there should be discussion and agreement on it. If there is no sex, and one of the partners is unhappy, I think that person should move on rather than cheat and lie to their partner. OR be straightforward and tell the partner that they are unhappy without it and would they be cool with them seeking it elsewhere. Lying is lying and it's not fair to either party in the relationship.

[Julius]

It's like s shell game. . . get married then whoops, no sex.

If I were presented with such a situation, would have absolutely NO understanding of her situation whatsoever. But yes, do the big dump instead of lying. . . but "cheating" does not apply unless there's something sexual to "cheat" on in the first place. You can't "cheat" on someone who doesn't have sex.

[TEO]

Cheat is deception.

[TEO]

If you marry someone and the sex instantly dries up (other than health/injury or such reasons)it would seem you really did not have a solid enough relationship to be getting married in the first place.

[Julius]

Cheat is deception.

Not necessarily. "Hi honey I'm home, but I'm headed out to fuck the babysitter in a while since you are apparently broken." Not deception.

[JBetty]

Nor is it cheating if you're totally up front about the deal.

[TEO]

Nor is it cheating if you're totally up front about the deal.

This

[Rionach aka Spec K]

Well, as far as I know he withheld the info - did not go home and say "hey, guess what - just screwed this girl we know and have fallen in love with her"...nor did she ask any questions. He says she didn't seem to notice or care that he'd lost weight...see all the positive changes ih him. However, when she did find out, he told her everything and was honest. He said he was waiting to break it to her because they had some important events to face together (memorial service for close friend, having to put down their dog) and he wanted to be there for her for those... Not saying he was right, but she has to realize her part in this as well...

[JBetty]

Well, as far as I know he withheld the info - did not go home and say "hey, guess what - just screwed this girl we know and have fallen in love with her"...nor did she ask any questions. He says she didn't seem to notice or care that he'd lost weight...see all the positive changes ih him. However, when she did find out, he told her everything and was honest. He said he was waiting to break it to her because they had some important events to face together (memorial service for close friend, having to put down their dog) and he wanted to be there for her for those... Not saying he was right, but she has to realize her part in this as well...

Wait just a sec here... are you the girl he's screwing?

This is why you didn't return to Ireland?

[Rionach aka Spec K]

no, but I know all parties involved
I'm the mutual friend they both came to meet the 1st night they "met" (they knew of each other, have mutual friends, but never spent time together). He liked her though - he told me. And I did notice the vibe between them that night ....big time

[Tim the Beek]

Nor is it cheating if you're totally up front about the deal.

This

[Karen]

Nor is it cheating if you're totally up front about the deal.

It is if the other person is not okay with a non-monogomous relationship. You would have to consider what was the agreement going into the marriage....

[Julius]

It is if the other person is not okay with a non-monogomous relationship. You would have to consider what was the agreement going into the marriage....

Expecting monogamy from your spouse is reasonable. Expecting celibacy is not.

Got strong feelings about this since a good friend is in this situation and it kills me to see it. He stays with that thing for the kids' sake.

[JBetty]

It is if the other person is not okay with a non-monogomous relationship. You would have to consider what was the agreement going into the marriage....

I disagree. The very definition of cheating is defrauding or deceiving.
So if you are completely honest about screwing somebody else, you're just an asshole.
Not a liar and a cheat.

[TEO]

Expecting monogamy from your spouse is reasonable. Expecting celibacy is not. Got strong feelings about this since a good friend is in this situation and it kills me to see it. He stays with that thing for the kids' sake.

I have strong feelings that this path is mostly likely not in the kids' best interest in the long run.

[china cat]

Just came up in fb feed http://www.alternet....a_relationship/

[TEO]

No sex is much better than mediocre sex in my opinion.

[china cat]

omg. roles eyes

they'll make a tv show about anything

sorry, didn't read the article before posting.

[TEO]

[JBetty]

[Ginger Snap]

It is if the other person is not okay with a non-monogomous relationship. You would have to consider what was the agreement going into the marriage....

I'm not sure the fact that a person's wants and needs may change during their lifetime is any less true because a person gets married- a commitment to someone on paper or otherwise doesn't mean that expectations can't be renegotiated.

[Karen]

I'm not sure the fact that a person's wants and needs may change during their lifetime is any less true because a person gets married- a commitment to someone on paper or otherwise doesn't mean that expectations can't be renegotiated.

I am in total agreement. What I am saying is, get it out in the open, discuss it.

[Lazy Lightning]

It's like s shell game. . . get married then whoops, no sex.

I'm having some of the best sex of my life, so don't go buying into that married = buried bullshit!!!

Communication is key, no matter what, just like everything else in life. And things change, and we adapt or we move apart. It happens. All good things take work, and working out our ideas/needs/wants is part of that work.

When you've got it, you've got it, and you don't need nor want it from anywhere else!!!

[TEO]

AMEN!

[Jersey Thug]

Been talking to her a bit, she's very sad, hurt and angry and all I want to say to her is "well, what did you expect?" but obviously I can't.

it isn't so obvious to me. if she's choosing to speak openly with you about this, why can't you reciprocate? i don't think it does anyone any good to be coddled and/or allow them to demonize another for something that is at least partially (and in this case, probably mostly) on them. i'm not suggesting that you be cruel. but you don't have to buy into her anger either.

hopefully she'll think long and hard about this before entering into any new relationship.

[Ginger Snap]

She really should have her own column.

[china cat]

agreed

[Deadshow Dan]

gets down to why there's no more sex

i.e. Depends

[Rionach aka Spec K]

it isn't so obvious to me. if she's choosing to speak openly with you about this, why can't you reciprocate? i don't think it does anyone any good to be coddled and/or allow them to demonize another for something that is at least partially (and in this case, probably mostly) on them. i'm not suggesting that you be cruel. but you don't have to buy into her anger either. hopefully she'll think long and hard about this before entering into any new relationship.

perhaps in time, but now is not the time...

[Jersey Thug]

so if not now, when? you said she has to realize her part in this as well, but it seems she is doing all in her power to rewrite history and turn everyone in your circle against her ex. does that seem fair, or even healthy? and if everyone takes "her side" now, do you really think you'll get a chance to do it differently later? he's not likely to forget that his friends weren't there for him when he was going through a rough time (and yeah, breakups are rough on both sides, even if you're the one who is doing the leaving) and she's not going to want to hear the truth later any more than she wants to hear it now.

but if she hears it now, from a caring friend who puts it to her gently, it can actually help her, and him, and all of you.

at least, that's my perspective on situations like this one. but i'm not someone to coddle or wish to be coddled. just the facts, ma'am. :shrug:

[Eco]

I have strong feelings that this path is mostly likely not in the kids' best interest in the long run.

No! This shit goes generations deep and kids learn from their parents to stay in shitty relationships because the cookie monster will get you if you divorce. This teaches kids to find a true love because they will be stuck with them forever=very important just like teaching them about the cookie monster. ;-)

[mgm92]

I know a couple who was Married for 25 years 12 of those were completely sexless but neither cheated... They were best friends who didn't have sex... But there was no love... They just stayed together for convenience... 12 YEARS without sex!!... They are divorced now cause he fell in love with another person but this didn't happen toil their 24 anniversary!

[Joe]

I know a couple who was Married for 25 years 12 of those were completely sexless but neither cheated... They were best friends who didn't have sex... But there was no love... They just stayed together for convenience... 12 YEARS without sex!!... They are divorced now cause he fell in love with another person but this didn't happen toil their 24 anniversary!

My aunt was sort of in the same thing. When her husband passed away and she moved back to the states and eventually met this guy she connected with. They were on and off throughout the years but overall wound up living together as friends. She considered him her boyfriend and he was family to all of us but they had separate bedrooms. Throughout the years they helped raise each others kids. He was really a good person with a huge heart. When he passed away from a heart attach this past year, it was really heart breaking. He became such an important part of the family. If it wasn't for him, my grandmother who also recently passed away, wouldn't have lived as long as she did. He really kept her lively and did all he could to help take care of her. After he passed away my grandmother health declined and eventually she passed away of natural causes. Marriages or relationships in house holds can really vary. Sex doesn't have to be the glue that holds it together. What it comes down to is whats in your heart and your connection with that person.

[Rionach aka Spec K]

so if not now, when? you said she has to realize her part in this as well, but it seems she is doing all in her power to rewrite history and turn everyone in your circle against her ex. does that seem fair, or even healthy? and if everyone takes "her side" now, do you really think you'll get a chance to do it differently later? he's not likely to forget that his friends weren't there for him when he was going through a rough time (and yeah, breakups are rough on both sides, even if you're the one who is doing the leaving) and she's not going to want to hear the truth later any more than she wants to hear it now. but if she hears it now, from a caring friend who puts it to her gently, it can actually help her, and him, and all of you. at least, that's my perspective on situations like this one. but i'm not someone to coddle or wish to be coddled. just the facts, ma'am. :shrug:

she's extremely sad hurt and angry right now, now is not the time - she needs to process and deal with all the info, not get kicked when she's down
I don't feel she's trying to rewrite history or turn people against him, she's just upset and rightfully so, I feel time and space is what she needs right now - she's embarrassed...

[Ginger Snap]

I know a couple who was Married for 25 years 12 of those were completely sexless but neither cheated... They were best friends who didn't have sex... But there was no love... They just stayed together for convenience... 12 YEARS without sex!!... They are divorced now cause he fell in love with another person but this didn't happen toil their 24 anniversary!

There's no possible way that one could know that neither of them cheated. Could be they never got caught or ever divulged. Not trying to be flip, just sayin.

[china cat]

I know a couple who was Married for 25 years 12 of those were completely sexless but neither cheated... They were best friends who didn't have sex... But there was no love... They just stayed together for convenience... 12 YEARS without sex!!... They are divorced now cause he fell in love with another person but this didn't happen toil their 24 anniversary!

coulda been lots of love, guess it depends on how you define it

[china cat]

There's no possible way that one could know that neither of them cheated. Could be they never got caught or ever divulged. Not trying to be flip, just sayin.

I've gone years without sex.

Thank goodness I got over that Catholic thing

And, Depends has lived without it for 25 years. Hell, anything is possible.

[PeaceFrog]

at first you have sex in every room of the house, then only in the bedroom, and then only in the hallway when you pass each other and say "fuck you."

here's a true fact... a guy can keep getting a boner if he's with a different woman. If it's the same woman it might take a day in between.

I think monogamy is unnatural.

[Ginger Snap]

I've gone years without sex. Thank goodness I got over that Catholic thing And, Depends has lived without it for 25 years. Hell, anything is possible.

I didn't say one couldn't go without it- I was merely pointing out that there's no way you could really know if this couple did.

[melissaphish]

Ok, well what if one half of the couple becomes medically unable to make love and it cannot be fixed....do you leave your partner? Cheat? Be happy with hand/blow jobs or dildoes?

[Lazy Lightning]

Personally, I'd use everything and anything that was available to keep it spicy & flowin'.

If it were totally impossible, I'd want to open up the relationship so that they could have sex with someone who was able to. Better to be honest than for someone to feel cheated on. I'll face reality over being lied to any day.

[PeaceFrog]

that's what professionals could be useful for

[Jersey Thug]

i'd never cheat on Jason. but if one of us was unable to make love and the condition was permanent and untreatable, i wouldn't expect the other to go without sex for the rest of our lives. that just isn't reasonable or likely to happen, and we don't lie or keep secrets from each other so cheating is way, way out of the question. so i guess some sort of open relationship would have to be discussed. that worries me though, because my heart tends to get involved easily and i don't usually have sex with anyone i'm not crazy attracted to in the first place. but maintenance sex would probably become necessary for me to make this work, so i'd give it a try.

of course, it depends on the issue we were facing. if it was just his penis that stopped working but his sex drive was still intact, well, he's hung like Gene Simmons and there are toys and other ways to be satisfied that i think (hypothetically) i'd probably prefer to sex with another man. but if he just shut down sexually yeah i think i'd have to figure something out because i love sharing my life with him and can't imagine not doing that, but celibacy just isn't in the cards for me. and i'd try any and every solution that would keep us together before trying anything else.

if it was me who couldn't have sex i imagine we'd have the same awkward convo about HIS needs and try to figure out a way to make it work for us.

thankfully this is all hypothetical and i hope like mad it always is. i love our sex life and every other aspect of our relationship and even thinking about this in the abstract makes me uncomfortable. i've been in a sexless relationship in the past and it's not something i ever want to be in again.

[Smiles]

Very important!... for the first 15 minutes... then much less important for the following 15... then very important again!

[Jwheelz]

You know as far as the question about people being physically able to have sex... I might have some insight into that, don't worry this is not personal insight or firsthand experience exactly, just that I've had reason to do research on different ways of being sexual and I've read about people who are paralyzed or other such problems where perhaps their bodily sensation is compromised. I think it's probably very rare for anyone who is not of an advanced age to be completely medically unable to have sex. My understanding is even with a lot of cases of neck and spinal injuries even if the person may not have physical sensation in their genitals, everything still works the way it's supposed to because it's largely controlled by the autonomic nervous system.

For individuals like myself, who are lucky enough to have full sensation in their bodies (mine is a neuromuscular condition which is a common cause of substantial disability without loss of sensation) sex is still challenging because it requires more patience from both partners than with two able-bodied people. It requires people to get over any hangups they have very quickly, because if they can't then it's just not going to work. Aside from that, it also requires a great deal of creativity to think of ways to make it work. That being said early on it might not be mind blowingly pleasurable because you have to figure out what works for both bodies. Once you get over the hump ( ) so to speak, and the physical mechanics of things are not a nuisance then it's possible to start focusing on one another more and on making the experience better for each other.

I think these basic rules apply whether your loved one was disabled when you met them, became disabled due to an accident or illness or you've grown old together and are still feeling horny or even if your doctor just told you to take it easy and not over exert yourself.

Now for the really interesting tidbits. People with spinal cord injuries often times can experience orgasm from different types of stimulation than one would expect. If someone has sensation above the chest they may get off from nipple stimulation, if it's a waist-down injury or even a neck down one, there are plenty of other erogenous zones besides the sex organs which can be stimulated. In some circumstances there have been reports of just stimulating above the injury site in certain areas, not necessarily erogenous zones leading to intense physical pleasure and even orgasm.

Not to mention the bodily, psychological and relationship components to orgasm. Even if an orgasm is delivered through conventional means to someone with no or partial sensation, it's still going to release endorphins and dopamine into the brain as well as a healthy dose of oxytocin which is a hormone that helps build trust and emotional bonds between people. It's also a hormone released after giving birth and during breast-feeding to help mother and baby bond, so oxytocin isn't even necessarily about sex. So although someone with physical injuries might be experiencing different sensations, there's a good chance they're experiencing positive ones and they still get the head rush and all of the positive feelings associated with getting off with someone you love.

So, my point here is being "completely unable to have sex for medical reasons" still often times depends a lot on the perspective of the people experiencing the issues. Now don't get me wrong, there may be psychological, physiological and anatomical reasons someone may be unable to have sex, and those certainly need to be addressed by professionals when they can be. And everyone is different, but the definition of what sex is really depends on a lot of different things, ultimately if you love someone enough you will probably try to find a way.

[Eco]

Well said!

[deadheadskier]

Jordan

you are one amazingly insightful human being. I cannot overstate this enough.

[Tim the Beek]

Jordan

you are one amazingly insightful human being. I cannot overstate this enough.

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[Jwheelz]