Is it a deal breaker? Say after "x" amount of years of marriage/living together and the sex stops for whatever reason...do you continue in the relationship or break it off ?
I've always maintained a healthy and active sex life, but I know of some couples who lost the sex years ago and don't seem bothered by it or just accept it as well, that's the way it goes...
What say you?
how important is sex in a relationship?
Started by
Rionach aka Spec K
, Apr 09 2012 02:12 PM
100 replies to this topic
#8
-
- Time Out
- 5,272 posts
Posted 09 April 2012 - 05:45 PM
Depends on whom you ask.
obviously.... which is why I'm asking
As well as what the relationship brings to the table other than carnal pleasures.
such as ... ?
life style? money? companionship?
just wondering how people deal...
if one partner withdraws from the sexual side of the relationship leaving the other high and dry, what are the expectations? how does the relationship move forward ? isn't it doomed ?
#17
-
- Time Out
- 5,272 posts
Posted 09 April 2012 - 07:56 PM
s'complicated just wondering people's thoughts on what people do/should do when their partner gives up on sex off the top of my head, I can think of 3 married couples in this situation one of the couples, the woman is having an affair and wants to divorce (husband no longer sexually active) 2nd couple, after over a year of no sex, the man is looking to have an affair and wants to divorce (wife is no longer sexually active) 3rd couple, no sex for years (woman lost interest years ago), man wants divorce and then to find a girlfriend, but feels obligated to stay
#21
-
- VibeTribe
- 22,510 posts
- LocationAbove The Waves
Posted 10 April 2012 - 03:46 AM
Many people put a lot of weight on sex in general. I think it makes them feel validated somehow. There are many more ways to feel validated and fulfilled. When it comes to physical contact I'd rather be with someone that is a great kisser then someone that is amazing in bed but shoves their tongue down my throat.
#25
-
- VibeTribe
- 14,217 posts
Posted 10 April 2012 - 09:31 PM
I'd hedge my bets on the person who is not getting sex but still wants it should be free to pursue it outside of their sexless relationship.
Then again, I don't have a long history of monogamy, and don't feel it is necessary for a relationship to thrive and be healthy and respectful.
Imoho, if someone isn't being satisfied at home, it is unlikely that they won't go and find it somewhere else, regardless of whether they stay in their current sexless relationship. I strongly believe that it is unfair to ever expect anyone to undergo a vow of chastity by virtue of their partner withholding sex, no matter what the reasons are (medical, emotional, lack of libido, etc...)
Then again, I don't have a long history of monogamy, and don't feel it is necessary for a relationship to thrive and be healthy and respectful.
Imoho, if someone isn't being satisfied at home, it is unlikely that they won't go and find it somewhere else, regardless of whether they stay in their current sexless relationship. I strongly believe that it is unfair to ever expect anyone to undergo a vow of chastity by virtue of their partner withholding sex, no matter what the reasons are (medical, emotional, lack of libido, etc...)
#26
-
- VibeTribe
- 5,287 posts
- LocationNutmeg State
Posted 10 April 2012 - 10:03 PM
I think it really depends on what's important to the individuals in the specific relationship... I think if two people have very low libidos and generally just aren't interested in sex very much, it might be perfectly reasonable for them to limit or maybe even eliminate the sexual aspects of the relationship.
However for me and lots of people I know if it doesn't have the physical component to it, it's not much different than a friendship/roommate situation. While that may be personally satisfying in terms of emotional fulfillment for some people, I doubt that it's the case for many.
On top of that you also do have the factor of whether monogamy is a necessary component to the two primary partners. I'm sure that quite a few people out there don't require monogamy, but I would guess a majority of the people probably do.
Ultimately what it comes down to though is if the people in the relationship come to terms on any issue that they can both agree with, that's what will work for them. I don't think there's one steadfast "normal" standard that every relationship has to abide by to work for everyone, different strokes for different folks.
However for me and lots of people I know if it doesn't have the physical component to it, it's not much different than a friendship/roommate situation. While that may be personally satisfying in terms of emotional fulfillment for some people, I doubt that it's the case for many.
On top of that you also do have the factor of whether monogamy is a necessary component to the two primary partners. I'm sure that quite a few people out there don't require monogamy, but I would guess a majority of the people probably do.
Ultimately what it comes down to though is if the people in the relationship come to terms on any issue that they can both agree with, that's what will work for them. I don't think there's one steadfast "normal" standard that every relationship has to abide by to work for everyone, different strokes for different folks.
#27
-
- VibeTribe
- 1,957 posts
- LocationFoxboro MA
Posted 10 April 2012 - 11:12 PM
Is it a deal breaker? Say after "x" amount of years of marriage/living together and the sex stops for whatever reason...do you continue in the relationship or break it off ?
Good relationship otherwise= outsource the sex to one or more partners....maybe several partners at once....life is a carnival.....enjoy the rides!
Bad relationship=same as above but video tape it and sent it to her/him!
#28
-
- Time Out
- 5,272 posts
Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:35 PM
I'd hedge my bets on the person who is not getting sex but still wants it should be free to pursue it outside of their sexless relationship. Then again, I don't have a long history of monogamy, and don't feel it is necessary for a relationship to thrive and be healthy and respectful. Imoho, if someone isn't being satisfied at home, it is unlikely that they won't go and find it somewhere else, regardless of whether they stay in their current sexless relationship. I strongly believe that it is unfair to ever expect anyone to undergo a vow of chastity by virtue of their partner withholding sex, no matter what the reasons are (medical, emotional, lack of libido, etc...)
yep
#39
-
- VibeTribe
- 2,298 posts
- LocationArlington, VA
Posted 08 May 2012 - 02:51 PM
Unfortunately I can't really give a full opinion to this, never being married or a relationship longer then 3 years. I can say this much, if I can not be intimate with the person I'm with, then there will be issues. Even though it is not the only aspect to a relationship, for me it is still a integral part of it.
#41
-
- VibeTribe
- 5,287 posts
- LocationNutmeg State
Posted 12 May 2012 - 11:40 PM
I think of sex as a very specific type of intimacy... nonsexual intimacy is just as important as sexual intimacy if not more so, basically anything that brings a couple together and makes them feel close is really important
#43
-
- Time Out
- 5,272 posts
Posted 14 May 2012 - 06:11 PM
nonsexual intimacy as in...cuddling?
well, shit has hit the fan for the 3rd couple that I was writing of earlier (3rd couple, no sex for years (woman lost interest years ago), man wants divorce and then to find a girlfriend, but feels obligated to stay))...he started meeting a woman out and about and, wouldn't ya know it, fell in love with her...wife found out and is, of course, devastated. Been talking to her a bit, she's very sad, hurt and angry and all I want to say to her is "well, what did you expect?" but obviously I can't. Feel for him as well - everyone looks at him now as The Bad Guy. Most of us that know them aren't surprised by this development... She's very suspicious of all of us know...who knew before her, etc... I didn't know for sure, but was suspicious as he suddenly dropped a bunch of weight and seemed to come to life in a way I haven't seen him for years. Happy for him, sad for her. Feel like I have to pick sides now and can't be friends with both of them any longer...
well, shit has hit the fan for the 3rd couple that I was writing of earlier (3rd couple, no sex for years (woman lost interest years ago), man wants divorce and then to find a girlfriend, but feels obligated to stay))...he started meeting a woman out and about and, wouldn't ya know it, fell in love with her...wife found out and is, of course, devastated. Been talking to her a bit, she's very sad, hurt and angry and all I want to say to her is "well, what did you expect?" but obviously I can't. Feel for him as well - everyone looks at him now as The Bad Guy. Most of us that know them aren't surprised by this development... She's very suspicious of all of us know...who knew before her, etc... I didn't know for sure, but was suspicious as he suddenly dropped a bunch of weight and seemed to come to life in a way I haven't seen him for years. Happy for him, sad for her. Feel like I have to pick sides now and can't be friends with both of them any longer...
#44
-
- VibeGuide
-
- 16,296 posts
VibeGuide
Posted 14 May 2012 - 06:20 PM
Really too bad they could not have communicated and come to a mutually beneficial agreement before someone was/felt disrespected.
Nonsexual intimacy as in emotional intimacy such as fulfilling the need of belonging or being cared for, vulnerable reciprocity.
Nonsexual intimacy as in emotional intimacy such as fulfilling the need of belonging or being cared for, vulnerable reciprocity.
#46
-
- VibeTribe
- 13,397 posts
Posted 14 May 2012 - 07:36 PM
nonsexual intimacy as in...cuddling? well, shit has hit the fan for the 3rd couple that I was writing of earlier (3rd couple, no sex for years (woman lost interest years ago), man wants divorce and then to find a girlfriend, but feels obligated to stay))...he started meeting a woman out and about and, wouldn't ya know it, fell in love with her...wife found out and is, of course, devastated. Been talking to her a bit, she's very sad, hurt and angry and all I want to say to her is "well, what did you expect?" but obviously I can't. Feel for him as well - everyone looks at him now as The Bad Guy. Most of us that know them aren't surprised by this development... She's very suspicious of all of us know...who knew before her, etc... I didn't know for sure, but was suspicious as he suddenly dropped a bunch of weight and seemed to come to life in a way I haven't seen him for years. Happy for him, sad for her. Feel like I have to pick sides now and can't be friends with both of them any longer...
No sex for years? Seems unreasonable to expect someone to give up that part of himself and that part of the marital relationship.
#47
-
- Time Out
- 5,272 posts
Posted 14 May 2012 - 08:01 PM
Really too bad they could not have communicated and come to a mutually beneficial agreement before someone was/felt disrespected.
yes, it is too bad. I said as much to him...talk to her before you start something, but he said what happened just happened - he was admiring this woman from afar and they ended up at the same place at the same time to see a band and hit it off big time...
Why do you feel like you have to pick sides?
Because she's very hurt and very angry right now and looking at us all with suspicion - did we know? etc. She knows her decision to not be physically intimate with him for years is the root of this and that realization is hard for her to face which makes her angrier.
No sex for years? Seems unreasonable to expect someone to give up that part of himself and that part of the marital relationship.
Yeah...I agree. Which is why I'm not surprised that this is what happened...
#48
-
- VibeTribe
- 13,129 posts
Posted 14 May 2012 - 08:16 PM
Because she's very hurt and very angry right now and looking at us all with suspicion - did we know? etc. She knows her decision to not be physically intimate with him for years is the root of this and that realization is hard for her to face which makes her angrier.
Speaking from experience, I can tell you that you really don't have to pick sides if you don't want to.
It's not the easiest thing to do, but if you value your friendship with both parties it IS possible to support them and keep them both as friends without condoning what happened.
#49
-
- Time Out
- 5,272 posts
Posted 14 May 2012 - 08:55 PM
well I guess I already have.... I understand how and why what happened happened. Poor guy was starved for attention/affection and the change in him now is drastic - he's lost weight, is eating healthy, exercising, he's happier than I've ever seen him. She was always a stick in the mud when we'd all go out....and he was always happier when she stayed home. So...
#50
-
- VibeTribe
- 1,957 posts
- LocationFoxboro MA
Posted 15 May 2012 - 12:41 AM
I went through that with my first wife....she thought sex was outlawed after marriage...I thought otherwise. Ended up telling her my "if I go to the store and they are out of milk xx days in a row I'm finding another store". Lol, found a shit ton of other places for my needs and ended up never returning home. It took her weeks to figure out I was not coming home, 20 years later I still own that home with her.
