134 replies to this topic

[sarah b.]

I walked a little tonight! Unassisted! For real! Looked stupid, but, hey, it was all me! Across my living room and back. And then I got real tired. But I did walk a little!

Saw the surgeon today, too. My range of motion is lacking, side to side, so he wants to take the two bottom screws out of my fibula (the outside of my left leg bone). It's done at the hospital, in and out in the same day. Insurance-willing, that'll happen within a few weeks. I never thought I'd volunteer for more surgery, but he said it'll help me dance again, and it'll help me walk better, so, sure.

anyway, that's my news. So cool to walk a little. Wow, it made me tired!

[LisaMarie]

I walked a little tonight! Unassisted! For real! Looked stupid, but, hey, it was all me! Across my living room and back. And then I got real tired. But I did walk a little!

Saw the surgeon today, too. My range of motion is lacking, side to side, so he wants to take the two bottom screws out of my fibula (the outside of my left leg bone). It's done at the hospital, in and out in the same day. Insurance-willing, that'll happen within a few weeks. I never thought I'd volunteer for more surgery, but he said it'll help me dance again, and it'll help me walk better, so, sure.

anyway, that's my news. So cool to walk a little. Wow, it made me tired!

Sarah b. things are getting better a little at a time. I'm happy to hear you walked a bit.

[sums]

what do they say? the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

[Luna]

what do they say? the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

thats wonderful Sarah

[sarah b.]

thank you, thank you! I had my friend who has been helping me out w/stuff use heavy-duty duct tape to attach half-yoga bricks to one side of my loft bed's ladder (so he couldn't say I didn't do it well enough) the other day. He tested it. It works. I'll test it later or tomorrow (I need to find a clean one and change the sheet; there's 4.5 months' worth of cat hair up there). I want to tape the walker to the ladder so it doesn't move when I'm using it to support me on the bottom steps. We used lots of tape. I should tape the phone book to the ladder, too. Alcohol will remove the icky sticky, whenever I take them off.

My gait's a little more normal today; still a little funny, but, hey, I'm walking around my apartment unassisted. I feel so light without a crutch. The way things are going, I'll be able to get back to coaching in April, after the kids' spring breaks end and class resumes.

[sarah b.]

Spent the weekend in Rochester, then headed home via northern Albatoga. After a bunch of biofam stuff blowing up last week, I really needed to hit the road! And it was an awesome healing weekend.

I've got cane-walking down pat, now, and am walking much better, unassisted. I should be back at judo for the midseason tournament on Sunday. I need to find the jacket for my uniform. Not sure what happened to it, the night of the accident.

[sarah b.]

Went back to judo this evening for the midseason tournament. It felt awesome to be back, even if I didn't do as much as I usually do. ((kids))

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In other news, I'm so glad I am friends with my exes, and that we communicate better, now that we're not dating. I'm also glad I went through hell in my last multi-year relationship, because my tolerance for bullshit and not nice behavior from guys is close to zero, and I find it very easy to say, "I already dated that guy; I'm not doing that again," whenever attempts to pull shit are made on me. And I've walked away from that suitor, 'cause I already learned the hard way that no one fixes anyone but themselves, and 'cause I want to have a relationship with a partner, not a child, etc. It was a hell of an education, but it's totally paying off. I told him so, too, discussing a recent attempt at bullshit by one who wants to join me in bed again but whose method of conveying that doesn't fly with me.

Ex said it sounded like said fellow likes me, but lacks communication skills. Immediately, I said, "I don't want a project. I want someone who knows how to communicate." 'Cause, really, ripping my head off, handing it to me, then telling me to keep my chin up doesn't work. And neither does dating people who are mean to me, regardless of how much they might seem to like me, sometimes. I'm just rambling, at this point.

I have no idea if my body could even handle intercourse. I was on my knees a bunch at judo tonight, and I don't hurt, at the moment. I definitely need to get those screws out to be able to have both feet bent behind me the same way when I'm on my knees. My range of motion is seriously limited. I don't want to think about it; I just want my screws out.

As for my heart, it's healing, slowly. Mike was very special. His ex-wife and I swap notes online, occasionally, and that's good. A bunch of shit on my mom's side of the family is currently messed up, so I haven't been over to see Bossy (the cat) in almost a week. I should be over there at some point later in the week. She's still awesome.

[sarah b.]

my inside of my leg (shin), a good 6-10 inches above where I broke it, totally hurts. I think my ibuprofen is in my car. And my ankle and foot totally swell up at the end of the day. This is supposedly normal. It's kind of scary, imo. i'm going to sleep in tomorrow, if I can.
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[sarah b.]

it's a work in progress. thank goodness for Chinese herbs. Live music is good. It's easy to slack on walking properly. Playing catch-up after being away for a bit. Looking for a job, etc. Spirits are up. Looking forward.

[sarah b.]

My car was rear-ended last night by a woman who left the scene. A third car got her plate # and came back to where I was tying my bumper onto my car with camping line. Yippee. Will deal with that this week. Here's something from a judo magazine:

10 principles learnt from 40 years of playing Judo and studying politics
By Senator Jos

[sums]

yikes sarah! i'm sorry life is hitting you particularly hard

i could say something really clich

[Lemireacle]

You gave me something
I understand,
You gave me loving in the palm of my hand

I can't tell you how I feel
My heart is like a wheel
Let me roll it
Let me roll it to you
Let me roll it
Let me roll it to you

I want to tell you
and now's the time
I want to tell you that
you're going to be mine

I can't tell you how I feel
My heart is like a wheel
Let me roll it
Let me roll it to you
Let me roll it
Let me roll it to you

[Luna]

great rules ma dear!

[sarah b.]

thanks. more from judo land:

Fudoshin:

A spirit of unshakable calm and determination,
courage without recklessness,
rooted stability in both mental and physical realms.
Like a willow tree,
powerful roots deep in the ground
and a soft, yielding resistance against
the winds that blow through it.

[Luna]

thanks. more from judo land:

Fudoshin:

A spirit of unshakable calm and determination,
courage without recklessness,
rooted stability in both mental and physical realms.
Like a willow tree,
powerful roots deep in the ground
and a soft, yielding resistance against
the winds that blow through it.

[sarah b.]

glad you dig, luna.

being at festivals is such awesome PT. yes, I'm taking ibuprofen amply, but being standing and walking around for hours and hours is great. went in the creek (with cane and sandals). walked on a bunch of not-level natural terrain.

I slept a lot, too, after the drive up (when traveling solo, a four-hour drive winds up having extra stops here and there and taking closer to six hours).

I've got a shiva call (my friend's grandpa died, he and his family came in from Colorado) to make when I wake up. It's important. I'm looking forward to seeing them, especially their daughter (almost 5) and their almost 3-month-old son).

It's too bad I can't write off festival tickets (and related expenses) as medical expenses. Not that I still wouldn't need to have the $ to front myself now.

When I was loading the car, and when I was doing stuff near the car (I played find the bottom of the trunk, this afternoon), I didn't use the cane. After a while, my leg yells at me. Then I use it.

I'm glad I keep getting better.

I had a great chat with mamamoe. in the creek about ankle rehab and increasing range of motion, this afternoon (she broke hers differently last September).

As far as festing solo goes, I hadn't done that in years. It's okay. It's different. Driving the whole way and solo makes me tired and my schedule very loose, but I like it. Nice to see/know some folks from here. Touching base in person once in a while is nice. So is sleep.

Rich, that's the tune after which this thread is named. I have yet to hear the Jerry Band version of it, but I know it exists. I just don't know when they played it. I will find one, one day.
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[sarah b.]

oh. I had some good thoughts about (dead) Mike tonight during Zach Deputy and the Fatty Acids (which rocked). I don't remember what they were, but they were good. And good for me, too.
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[sarah b.]

Mike's 51st birthday was yesterday, as was my ex's 42nd. Mike's ex-wife and I got in touch at the same time (sent messages simultaneously). I'm so glad she rocks. I miss him a ton. I don't miss my ex. I feel bad about not missing him, but not that much. Talking to him for the first time in a while yesterday made my blood pressure shoot up a bunch (I have lot flu, and have been ick all week). It reminded me of how much happier and healthier I am without him in my life on a regular basis. Good thing I really like coaching and acupuncture. He doesn't like how easy it is for me to not care about stuff going on in his life (like whether or not he has plans with a woman). Well, I really don't care; it's not my business, and I have no problem sharing that. And I don't think that makes me a bad person. I have to look out for me, too, and first, chips fall where they may. I kind of feel like a bitch, but if I have to feel like a bitch to know I'm taking proper care of myself, I'm willing to deal with those feelings.
--
Update. Saw him briefly to drop off his printer. It was okay. I feel less anxious about the idea of interacting with him, now.

[sarah b.]

FU, medial malleolus screws. inside of my left ankle's like this, except the part that broke off was also split in two, so the screws make an X into my bone. It has been raining the past two weeks, but we only had thunder and lightning last night. And I've been getting sharp shooting pains there, and I can totally feel my hardware. SUCKS! HURTS! Not fun. Just took some ibuprofen, but this isn't really ibuprofen pain, this is just big awareness of metal in my leg. I'm not a happy camper. What is it about thunder and lightning that makes it hurt, and today the fibula (outside leg bone) screws hurt, too. Good news is I got Lucille's # from my mom and will crank up efforts to get those screws out. I want as little metal in my body as possible! Holy fuck! I hate hurting. It's painful! sharp shooting pain is shit!!



---------
other than that, things are great.

[sums]

wow. yikes! thanks for the graphic though! but wow!

[sarah b.]

I'll show you my scar at vibes. (or not; it's not bad. looks like a zipper like frankenstein.) Unfortunately, those two are never coming out. Shooting pains have returned, but it's not raining. WTF? more ibuprofen. I know I can't just keep popping ibuprofen forever. I'm going to have to do some research.

but mostly, I just want to say fuck you, sharp shooting pains! you suck big sue! (you know, tabbooma's donkey)

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oh, the aching I had a while ago at spleen 6, that was liver stagnation.
SP 6 (same on each leg, had it on left leg)

As far as points go, it's a pretty rockstar point: http://www.compassio...com/ac_sp6.html
spleen, liver and kidney channels meet there.

[sarah b.]

sometimes I feel a little lost about stuff. I mean, I know wherever I go, there I am. In this case I mean relationshippy shit. Now that I've been to the cemetery, I feel a lot more ready to move forward. Nothing says dead like written in stone (I'm laughing; the trip there, meeting his cousin, spending time there myself, first it was really heavy, then it was just peaceful, and I'm in a pretty good place about that). But it like -- now what? Oh, yeah, I'm unemployed (but so are lots of people, and love transcends that). I'm working on getting my foot better. My range of motion has increased, but the two ankles aren't equal, yet. I still have a ton of things to take care of. Sprinkled liberally with long-ago-planned trips out of town. One day at a time means dropping off laundry tonight. I can do that. I'm still at the point where I don't just want to hook up; but someone you're in a relationship with is supposed to be hot for you, right? so how do you know if someone wants to get in your pants or if they actually like you? Mike lived in Florida; we talked all the time. I knew he liked me for me. I've been in relationships before. I'm sure I'll figure all of this out. In the meantime, I can drop off my laundry.

[sums]

(((sarah))) don't jump into anything quickly (not that you could even do that, considering your ankle ) don't be afraid to be by yourself for awhile. don't be afraid to be with someone who might not be "the one". keep your heart open and your eyes open at the same time. speak the truth and ask for that in return.

that's all i got.

[sarah b.]

thanks. I can actually jump up and down. I am practicing my jumping jacks for when judo starts up again in the fall, so I can warm up with everyone (as we coaches do). definitely not in a rush. I guess I just realize that if it were to happen, I'd be okay with it/ open to it. Been doing some learning/ studying some texts about return to self and using when shitty things happen as a catalyst for positive growth. Neat stuff. It's always good to review the basics.
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[sarah b.]

a right person helped me do some moving forward with mike in my heart, and beside me in my journey. it was a good thing. other than more pt, who knows where to, from here, but i'm a strong believer that sometimes the journey is truly the destination. wheel keeps turning. i'm happy.
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[sarah b.]

I went in the ocean. it was really cool, to see how my leg reacted to the water and stuff. ((nature))

[sums]

did your leg approve? i stuck my feet in the ocean the other day. my whole body approved

[sarah b.]

my leg rocked it. pools are so different from oceans. ((incredibly profound)) my balance isn't as great, but I'm working on it. Gotta get back in the pool and do more jumping jacks soon.

[sarah b.]

at phan phest, all the terrain was somewhat hilly. and I realized, my leg's still kind of fucked up (and that sucks, and I need to do more to get better, and fast). But then I see folks who use a cane all the time, or someone with a prosthetic leg, and I'm thinking, shit, I don't have it that badly at all. But I need to remember that just because I realize it could be worse doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or suck or that I don't need to spend a lot more time working on getting better. 'cause I do.

[sarah b.]

-48 kids in judo. feels great to be coaching from the mat again.
-leg keeps getting better. screws hurt in the cold and rain. could be so much worse. I am grateful it's not.
-making some better and worse choices in personal life, detaching with love, where necessary. ex is no longer an issue.
-hustling to make $ where I can, as usual. unemployment is a double-edged sword. job hunt continues.
-my little sister thinks yoga is boring. I wouldn't know. i'm guessing she just doesn't get it, yet. that's okay.
-got laundry and cleaning to do. what else is new? kitties are great.
-1 year since Mike died on 10/25. doing very well about that, in general.

[sums]

yay for the "better"s and the kitties

if yoga is boring to her, have her try some kundalini yoga. i guarantee she will not be bored!

[Luna]

along w kundalini tell her to try vinyasa, if those two dont get her feelin the yoga buzz its not going to happen!

i like the thought of you hustlin for money

[sarah b.]

just makin' hay when the sun shines. seems like everyone only wants to hire part time, which sucks. i'll keep trying.

judo rocks. love it. love coaching. it's great.

[sarah b.]

it's coming up on a year since mike died. there's a gathering in florida this weekend in his honor, but I can't swing it -- haven't bought tickets for halloween, further, phish, either -- would happily skip them all to make it down there this weekend. have been able to pick up some more volunteer work in my field that should keep me pretty busy from next week through 10/25ish (his grave stone says 10/26, 'cause the coroner insisted on listing the date they found his body, but his ex and I know he died on Saturday, when I didn't hear from him. We had spoken the night before, after I finished helping coach a judo tournament).

anyway, so I got the call that he died on 10/28, went down to Phil & Friends on 10/31 solo, 'cause I knew I'd feel him there. Flew down to FL and met his friends and his ex and picked up the cat from the Tampa Bay SPCA on 11/1 & 11/2. A plane ticket for the cat (and that whole trip) was still one of the best impulse puchases I've ever made.

Brought the cat straight to my mom's from the airport on Sunday night. Judo was Wednesday and that was the night my leg was broken, 11/5/08. (11/4 was my mom's bday. Missed her gathering to get the cat. She was fine w/that.)

Talk about your full circles and stuff. I'm glad I've found ways to keep myself busy. As much as I'm okay with stuff (especially him not being in pain anymore), it still hurts to miss him, when I think about it. I've dated a bit, since, and I know I'll date again. We knew from the start he was on his way off thi earth. I'm glad I was unafraid to let myself love him. Knowing how much the missing him part can suck, I don't know if I'd let myself fall in love with someone who is dying again, but, then, falling in love wasn't planned, we just let ourselves be, and it happened. I'm certainly not afraid to love again.

both my ex & the PAL have been profusely thanked for their help after surgery. i'm not thinking much re: that, but it's Jelly to Mike's PB . surgery was 11/18 and my ex took me to spearhead on 11/22. Healing music!

[sarah b.]

oh, since last time, there has been lots of shit with my sister (posted re: it in vaginaland), but there's nothing I can do to change it, so, it is what it is. wishing her the best.

need to thank my mom some more for being so awesome w/my leg paperwork and stuff.

more job hunt. my dad sent me some ads. i'd really rather kill myself than have to work in ortholand (wearing a skirt every day) for the type of pay offered. not sure I could hang on to the job, either, healthwise. where i've been volunteering has been fun and challenging. not sure if it will turn into a job after the new year, or not, but, we'll see, and i'll keep looking, in the meantime.

judo's still good. I got a good egg award at the awatds dinner for busting my leg, helping coach travel team and for giving the money I won inthe 50/50 raffle back to the PAL. What coaching gives me is priceless. And they fixed my leg, which works, even if it hurts when I use it. The swelling is finally decreasing.

I need to get back into shoes and to get a new pair of sneakers. I can't remember the last time I wore out a pair of sneakers.

[sums]

(((sarah))) it has been a challenging and rewarding year. your strength and grace are admirable and inspiring. always

[Lemireacle]

Rich, that's the tune after which this thread is named. I have yet to hear the Jerry Band version of it, but I know it exists. I just don't know when they played it. I will find one, one day.

I figured.

It's on the Pure Jerry discs... Theatre 1839, July 29 & 30, 1977 and Jerry Garcia Band, San Francisco Bay Area 1978. They also played it 6/18/76 at Keystone Palo Alto and in Pittsburgh on 3/19/78.

[china cat]

(((sarah))) it has been a challenging and rewarding year. your strength and grace are admirable and inspiring. always

yep and you've used it to inspire me as well

[sarah b.]

Thanks, Rich!!
And thanks, summer, china. I put out a potential fire early yesterday morning (judo-related, which needed to be done before the midseason tournament 1 week from today when my stepgrandmother has decided to have a family gathering because she's about to go in for heart surgery and might not make it), so I needed to make sure everything will go smoothly in my absence (but now maybe I'll go visit her earlier in the day? will play by ear.). wound up sleeping through music I was supposed to see last night (slightly bummed, but sleep is important). my calico just jumped into bed with me. Sure, I miss Mike, but the cemetery in Bridgeport is much closer that Florida, and I think what we shared was far more profound than any attempt at a long-distance relationship would have been hard on both of us. Something like that, and very glad he's no longer in pain. I've gotten back into my shoes again (yay!), both regular for work and my loafers with heels. <--Steve Madden, black penny loafers w/2" heels, bought in fall 1998 for my first trade show. They've walked miles of show floor, as well as danced at every wedding, since. Good shoes are an awesome investment. I cut my boots last winter. Need to replace those. Bummed that production of that boot is now in China, as the soles are reportedly not as good. Not much snow here, anyway.

I crashed hard, yesterday. discovered that when I sleep on my stomach, my foot hurts when I wake up. I still elevate it at night, on my back/side, and that's fine.

re: judo, the sensei is good and sees the good in him, too. training for strength is important, because if it's two kids of equal skill and technique, the one with greater strength wins. There are more competition-focused dojos (ours is technique, philosophy and fun-focused). Their focus is on getting ippon (the point - the win). Their kids don't have the endurance ours do. The travel team that meets early on Saturday mornings trains to compete. They're good kids.

[sarah b.]

I did thank my mom some more. She said PAL's insurance was great. She sent them the bills and they took care of everything.

Fall weather is perfect for trikking www.trikke.com and i'm going to inflate my wheels and get out on the road this week.

[sarah b.]

I made it through today. Love you, Mike.

[sarah b.]

Mike's ex and I corresponded yesterday. She's cool. I thanked her. sister through an awesome mister.

[sarah b.]

tonight's a year since my leg was broken. judo's on thursdays, not wednesdays, now, so i'll be at judo tonight. i'm so glad I can walk again, even if my leg tends to hurt more often than not. comparitively, it's not that bad (compared to when it was broken in four places). that was seriously one of the scariest, most physically painful experiences I've ever had. not being able to get up was pretty horrifying. I can get up, now.

[sums]

i would say "happy anniversary" but i don't think it would be appropriate here...

[sarah b.]

kind of happy. so happy to be walking again, even if it hurts sometimes and I limp, late at night. thanks.

my sister has beendoin better. step-grandmother is having her aorta replaced tomorrow. hoping she makes it.

[LisaMarie]

Time heals. I hope you will be pain free some day.

[Luna]

[sarah b.]

step-grandmother made it; sister still doing better. Thanks. This thread has come full-circle, just about. I'm glad.

[sarah b.]

I had some strange ankle pain at judo last night. took some ibuprofen. been feeling like a lot of blood at my extremities, lately. going to get tx on Sunday. Taking yunan baiyao, in the meantime. Weird.

[sarah b.]

i'm having a hard time dealing with the cold and my leg hurting and stuff. I need to exercise more.