let me roll it (three in one, part deux)
Posted 04 January 2009 - 08:30 PM
james taylor's fire and rain -- forget about it! I reckon the excessive sensitivity to lyrical content will pop up, for a while, every now and again. Logically, I know every song wasn't written about Mike, and I will tune into that, when I can, and just let me cry, when I can't.
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Posted 05 January 2009 - 10:16 AM
the point of this post, though, is YAY!! I get my cast off in 10 days (or that was the surgeon's plan, hope it still will be). I Can't Wait!
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Posted 11 January 2009 - 07:27 AM
this outburst/crying jag was inspired by me turning on CMT's "my big redneck wedding," which we enjoyed watching together very much.
in other news, I get a boot on thursday, my mom has knee surgery on 2/2, and my leg feels pretty healed, fwiw.
i've come to realize that mike knew he'd be dying soon, and he kind of tried to tell me. it's hard. his timing was for the best, with everything that was going on in his life. he left just the right loose ends untied and stuff so I wouldn't get stuck dealing with things his ex was so much better-equipped to handle.
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Posted 11 January 2009 - 05:19 PM
Posted 11 January 2009 - 07:32 PM
Lyrics By: Johnny Dowd, Jeb Puryear, Music By: Jeb Puryear, Official Lyrics
Conscious evolution in front of your eyes
Conscious evolution in the back of your mind
Conscious evolution go on spread the word
We're all busy learning on a learning curve
Wounded in the battle lying in the weeds
Immersed in contemplation of history's evil deeds
He offered up to free will, free will flatly replied
Conscious evolution's all there is on your side
Conscious evolution its what turns me on
There's got to be a difference between right & wrong
All down through the ages struggling with the same thing
With a vision bold as love won't you help me sing
Man is just an animal the scientists say
For the sins of the father the son must pay
Jesus said to Buddha give Mohammed a call
Conscious evolution is the writing on the wall
Here's a recent show during which it was played. Looks like a nice, long one.
Posted 12 January 2009 - 12:16 AM
I'd been sleeping with less leg elevation the past two nights. I'm going to go back to the old, primary elevator. I did pick a scab on my lower leg, just above my cast. I've got some clear blood stagnation, but I've also got a plum blossom needle handy. I'll fix that up a little later.
Posted 12 January 2009 - 06:10 AM
Life reality - Vayechi by Yosef Serebryanski
It is ironical that the words “life” and “file” are spelled with the same letters. Much of our life’s journey is buried or forgotten, but not irretrievable. Periodically things seem to pop up when we least expect them. Sometimes a part of us dies and/or unexpectedly comes back to life. We wonder what dream it was that we lived through or held dear. Amazingly our journey progresses and we quickly become acclimated to a new way of life. Sometimes we cannot even remember (the importance or magic of) life’s priorities (good or bad) as we used to know them.
Life is blown into a person and is constantly renewed and changing. This is what it says about man being created; back and forth I was formed (Psalms 139,5). The movement of life constantly flows in and out of a person. In order to exist, people have limited themselves to a specific level of perception that has become their truth.
The Bible was translated for human consumption in a very physical way. It was not translated according to the spiritual and often not even according to the root meaning of words. More importantly it could or should have been interpreted in a language that constantly reflects the present. The result of the purely physical translation has been that society remains stuck on a level that they perceive is the ultimate truth.
Sometimes it is imperative to reveal the truth. This is not always an easy task, as people tend to reject the truth when it is contrary to the lies that they have lived with during the course of their lifetimes. However, unless someone is willing to attempt to openly express the truth, (even though people may be unwilling to listen) they will never have a chance to know truth. In order to elevate people or create an opening it is sometimes necessary to speak to people on a level that is beyond their present perspective.
Sometimes our beliefs are also a form of protection. Jacob was protected, while his children had to fight in order to create the protection. There are times that peace seems to come through talk or negotiation. Yet there are also times that the only avenue to peace seems to be through war and destruction or annihilation. These issues relate to the way that nations conduct business or the way various spiritual powers work.
Anticipation or expectations of the future vary for different individuals. Many people simply believe, as they were taught, that they will personally make a connection with God or spirit in an unknown future. Many believe in a wonderful physical or spiritual future.
How many people are so busy that they never think about connecting to the Creator in the present? What will it take to motivate people to understand that the only time we can truly act or react is the present? Projections for future bliss that prevent positive current action are no more than crippling preoccupations with shallow focus.
When a person who lives in the present passes on, a drastic change occurs in the world’s balance. The mourning was heavy for Egypt (Genesis 50:11). The word in Hebrew for Egypt is mitzrayim. The root of the word is metzar a prison. People of the world are experiencing a difficult time, existing in the modern day “metzar” within the system that society and its leaders have created. They have no idea of where to turn for their answers. This will perpetually be the case unless people elect to make changes that are in their true interest, and not in superficial interests that are based in a superficial Truth.
We all exist in this world together. Each person fulfills an individual role that is part of the whole. Most of people’s imaginations and beliefs regarding the future actually harm them by preventing them from instead of teaching them to connect with the Creator in the present. To be a true leader today, the leader needs to live in the present. Failing that leaves all people open to the problems that occur in society.
There have been times in history when openings occurred but the moment was not fully used and the time passed. We continue to try to solve our problems with the same methods that we have used in the past. The delay means that we will face bigger problems in the future.
In order to survive we must reveal another level of truth. The path to that is digging deeper within ourselves. Finding a new level of truth allows us to relate positively to changes that occur.
The words that we use are triggers that can generate destruction or blockages. Being selective about our thoughts and our verbal expression can help to open the blockages as well as direct our inner system back into the flow.
We are bombarded daily with many choices. Learning how to respond in sync with the flow is key to making our way into the future. We have the personal, international and universal responsibility to be ready for the proper change at the proper moment.
Posted 18 January 2009 - 01:14 AM
Saw the Tricksters at Mexicali last night. Blew me away. It was so cool to stand on my own two feet again. In socked feet & air cast, life music is such great PT. I can feel the music in my feet.
Everything I learned about strokes and stuff and rehab re: Mike, is totally coming in handy, now. It's great.
Posted 20 January 2009 - 07:42 PM
What I can't stand is dealing with fucking creditors and all this insurance bullshit. You can't get blood from a fucking stone ... People at the PT office said the case is being treated as a no-fault. LIKE I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS! Yeah, it was an accident -- it was nobody's fault (and the sensei who put me in the ring with someone of such mismatched height and weight runs the program, and I don't want him to get in trouble. He made a mistake. He lives with that every day. He had his knee shattered and his jaw broken, doing martial arts. He understands how much it hurt, and has sent me Chinese medicine to aid in healing. I don't want anything but to get paid back what has been laid out, so far, and to not have to lay out any more. 2/5 will be three months since this happened. My mom has knee surgery on 2/2. I need to be better and able to help her out, then. :hammer: :throw things: And I have bad PMS. I'd like my period already, please. Kthxbai.
I hate feeling like I can't get a job because I CAN'T FUCKING WALK. I hate my paperwork getting lost by my doctor's office -- I'd have $ to cover PT, and then some, if they hadn't lost that shit. Argh. I've gotten so good at making lemonade, but this shit just makes me want to throw in the towel, sometimes. ...
Okay. Enough. I hate when crying makes my head hurt. I need to sit/lay down, for a few minutes. Enter the Haggis, tonight. That's great PT. Costs less than real PT, too. Fuckers. Not that I don't pay a different price in exchange for concert tickets, but graphic design work and dealing w/one I know too well is a fair trade for nights out to see live music. Fortunately, there's no shortage of graphics work needed, on that end. Money would be better, but it would come with all the stress and BS, anyway, so I might as well get to see a show. I'm a little calmer now. I may delete this later. Whatever. I pitch fits once in a while, too. Not often, but, yeah, I'm very human.
Posted 20 January 2009 - 10:48 PM
Posted 21 January 2009 - 09:39 PM
After a super-frustrating start to the day, an insurance angel named at the PT office affiliated with my surgeon's office figured my shit out and I have an appt for Monday at noon, all my shit's already in the computer, and I don't have to pay anything out of pocket. Thank goodness!! (no word from nancy who loses paperwork yet, but I wasn't expecting her to get to it for a week or so. I have little hope, on that front.)
Posted 22 January 2009 - 08:17 AM
In my world of toddler-like achievements, today I stood up from a seated position on the toilet (which is lower than the chair at my desk) without touching the sink or the wall with my arms. Yay, leg strength.
I will have to refer G$ to this thread so after his surgery, he knows he's not the only one who has dealt with the ridiculous.
I want to walk, already. If it's 49% attitude, at least I know that part's got all cylinders firing.
I can't believe it's already late January. I guess time flies even if you're not having fun.
Posted 23 January 2009 - 01:01 AM
I said fuck it and made myself walk a little today. The little refers to the size of the steps I took with my right leg, as my left leg is the bum one. Slow and steady, though. A little more under-desk bike. Reps of knee bends and stuff. I used to be able to kick pretty high. I want to get all of my flexibility back.
Slight insurance drama with peaceful resolution this morning. The ins. company said I met my $100 deductible. You think? (I have about $10-$12k worth of bills from this. Can't wait to get back to coaching, though. Spring sign-ups are next weekend. I'll be there.)
Posted 27 January 2009 - 02:43 AM
I hope my cycle regulates itself, once I'm walking again. I didn't mind the ghost, last time, and I really don't mind skipping it, this time around, but I know I'll have some more peace of mind if it shows up and does its thing the way it's supposed to. If I get really concerned, I'll get acupuncture for it, and that'll get it back on track right away. ((acupuncture's effectiveness re: gyn stuff)) -- update -- it showed up the next day, or something. yay, back on track.
It feels good to be tired, at the end of the day.
Posted 30 January 2009 - 10:17 PM
But at least my reflexes are getting into "I'm better" mode. That's cool. Silly body, not agreeing with them!
Posted 08 February 2009 - 08:27 PM
Posted 12 February 2009 - 01:58 AM
I tried to climb the ladder to my loft (bed) earlier today. Now I hurt. I think it was good, though. Climbing a little step at PT isn't going to get me up the ladder better. I stuck the walker at the bottom of the ladder and the phone book on the floor so the first step is less of one. I know my sheet is totally covered with 3+ months of cat hair and dust. I should probably bring a clean sheet with me, next time I try to get up there. I love my bed. I'm worried about my knee, though. I'm glad I'm seeing the surgeon tomorrow. Maybe he knows how to fix it.
Posted 13 February 2009 - 07:31 AM
Posted 15 February 2009 - 07:03 AM
anyway, pt 3x/wk, and my mom's going to take me out with her where she goes birding to get me outside and walking around where there aren't lots of people during the day. heat helps. i'm so happy to be able to sleep in tomorrow. my friend's dad died on friday night, so i'm sure i'll visit her, one day this week. I offered to drive my grandmother to jersey to visit her best friend one day next week, too (kids don't have school, so no volunteering at the Y for her next week, so it'll be good if I can take her for a ride. good for my mom's sanity, too). blah, blah, blah. Adjusting to being on the generic version of one of my meds (it costs way less, but the lack of time-release is a PIA. I will deal with it, for now). Made it through vday without mike, for the first time. it's funny. the only holidays we shared were the Jewish holidays, last fall. He liked what he read at the links I sent him. I know from our time together that when the love is right, differences melt away and into each other and they just don't matter anymore. It was a wild, scary feeling, but it was cool. I'll never forget it. ((doors kicked open))
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Posted 17 February 2009 - 06:22 AM
I could be taking ibuprofen, but it doesn't really occur to me.
Maybe next time.
Got acupuncture on my knee on Sunday night. I think it helped with range of motion and getting the sprain healed. We did a few points for my ankle, too, but apparently the shooting pain thing overrode any positive effects they may have had.
I'm tired. Looking forward to getting back to PT tomorrow morning. Not sure if I'll bring the wheelie walker with me, rather than crutches, but that would make sense, since the walker promotes a more natural gait (which I really need!).
I really need to be better yesterday, sprains or no sprains (I'm not really counting my knee anymore; my knee feels better, now).
Anyway, sleep is good.
I should vacuum my bedding tomorrow. Too much cat hair around has led to me waking up with a swollen eyelid. Very sexy.
Posted 17 February 2009 - 08:45 PM
(caution, graphic illustration) http://www.amicusvis...mages/image.gif
I have four screws on the outside, two screws on the inside. The inside of my ankle bone screws are in an X (unlike the illustration), 'cause the part that broke off split in half. Hot stuff!
Posted 17 February 2009 - 09:36 PM
Gejie Da Bu Wan
aka: Gecko Great Tonifying Pill
There are two different packages with different listings of ingredients.
1) Older Label
Pin Yin/ English/ Percentage
Ge Jie Gecko 21.5%
Shu Di Huang Rehmannia Root 6.8%
Huang Jing Rhizoma Polygonati 5.7%
Shan Yao Dioscorea Root 5.3%
Nu Zhen Zi Ligustrum Lucidi Fruit 5.2%
Fu Ling Poria 5.%
Gou Qi Zi Lycii 4.3%
Xu Duan Radix Dipsaci 4.8%
Mu Gua Chaenomelis Lagenariae 4.7%
Ba Ji Tian Morinda Root 4.3%
Huang Qi Astragalus Root 4.3%
Du Zhong Eucommia Bark 4.3%
Dang Shen Codonopsis Root 4.3%
Gu Sui Bu Drynaria Rhizome 4.%
Dang Gui Angelica Sinensis 3.8%
Gan Cao Glycyrrhiza Root 2.8%
Bai Zhu Atracylodis alba 4.3%
Gou Ji Rhizoma Cibotii Barometz 4.8%
2) Newer boxes have these labels:
Licorice, Angelica root and Chinese Yam with FD&C Blue No. 1 and FD&C Red No. 40.
Indications: Rheumatism, Dizziness, Weakness associated with Chronic Illness, Shortness of Breath, Muscle Fatigue, Frequent Urination, Lumbago, Cold Limbs, Joint Pain, Poor Appetite, Anemia, Neurasthenia, Meniere's Disease
Chinese Symptoms: Deficient Blood, Deficient Qi, Deficient Yang Qi, Deficient Kidney
Contraindications: Lung Heat From Deficiency
so I reached into my Chinese pharmacy box and found a bottle. Going to start taking it tomorrow, after I eat. Taking something with geckos in it is kind of gross, but I'd eat something even less appealing, if it would help me get better faster. Seriously. I have had enough of this crap. Time to get better, yesterday. I want my bed back, my floor back, my life back. This is bullshit. Three months was plenty. I will channel all the healing energy floating around that's accessible and turn it into new/rebuilt muscle for me until I'm all better. And if I can get walking with a cane on my left side, I'll just do that and not do it at PT (where they want me to do hold it in my right hand, which just makes me walk funny and feel unstable). I hope tonight's ankle treatment is as effective as the other night's knee treatment was. That totally helped. I have a ton of faith in the herbs. I've yet to take herbs that haven't worked, and none of them have ever interacted poorly with my meds. The only thing I can't be ingesting in grapefruit, and avoiding that is not a problem.
Posted 19 February 2009 - 02:56 AM
My sister's kind of bummed out that she has to be home a lot to take care of her puppy. I kind of wonder if my stepmother is trying to sabotage her having a dog. I don't understand any reason why she needs to be home every two hours. Then again, the only puppies I ever helped raise were born in the bathtub. How is she supposed to go back to school next week, if she needs to be home every two hours? Something's fishy, here. What will be will be. Just sucks to read her bummin'. I've always wanted a golden retrieve mix of smaller stock, but I know not to get one until/unless I'm ready to have a kid (and children are more portable, anyway, 'cause most places allow children).
There is other drama over which I have no control and of which I have knowledge in strict confidence. I wish I didn't know about it. It's not nice. And it bothers me to need to pretend I don't know about it, 'cause part of me would like to ask some serious questions about why certain actions were taken. This, too, shall pass, I hope, and hopefully I will get some of the answers I seek, in the process, too. I hate trust violations. They can really fuck with a group, sometimes. (this is not related to board anything)
I am now hot and sweaty, and I realize my apartment is too small to use my trikke as an inconspicuous-looking rolling walker in (though it seems somewhat effective as one, it weighs 20 lbs and wouldn't be helpful on stairs, so, oh, well). Reinflating the tires' inner tubes a bunch was good exercise. I should probably take some more ibuprofen before I pass out. I'm getting there. I haven't gotten a sweat like this on in ages. The heat is on high, in the apartment (I can't control that).
Posted 20 February 2009 - 06:22 PM
by Yosef Serebryanski (an energy healer in Brooklyn, NY with whom I'm acquainted via a mutual friend on facebook)
The first movement is to flow with the flow of creation as it is connected to its source. Existing here and being connected with beyond keeps the flow and balance open. When that is blocked the imbalances seem to grow. Serving those who bend to the elements in this world confine us to those limitations and to their ultimate shortcomings.
How would you react if the oneness in existence was revealed today and you suddenly came to the realization that what you believed your entire lifetime to be the truth is actually false? Would you become angry? Would you blame yourself for not having seen the obvious? Would you feel betrayed or just totally confused?
It is simply amazing to observe how many people can see the same thing and yet perceive it differently. Some people can only process simple direction. Others have no ability whatsoever to see what is right in front of them. They have eyes but do not see, they have hearts but do not feel, they have ears but do not hear, they have brains but do not think.
Proper manners, respect, decency and honesty are all important qualities necessary to have a cooperative, working society. Yet, although civilization has progressed in some forms of knowledge, it is sorely lacking in these ethical traits. Laws are unenforceable because those for whom they are designated ignore them. People who do conduct themselves properly are the ones who usually suffer. The power mongers and the guilty continue to do what they want, thinking that they are “above the law.”
Assisting people by lending money to them is a process that has gone haywire. Charging interest and destroying borrowers when they are unable to pay back is unethical and ungodly. The Torah refers to the practice of charging interest as “neshech”, which means biting. Charging interest on loans is one of the accepted behaviors in society that ruins people’s lives.
Far too often what a person does right is connected with their ego instead of with power beyond. Recognizing self-worth is important to getting things done, but a pumped up ego is a limitation that blocks one’s way. There are people, who, although they are connected with a power beyond, are not balanced in this world. Working through an issue can free us from our bonds to that issue. However, we may become even more entangled as we further invest ourselves into the situation. These types of imbalances ultimately generate problems instead of solving them.
We live in a time and space where ego and other energies contrary to progress are constantly fighting to prevail, even as they (those negative forces) are approaching the day of their last breath.
Your soul, desire and possessions are on loan to you for a specific period of time. (Exodus 22:24) Through being an “ONI” – humble, you share yourself; you fulfill your responsibility to look after your soul so that when it is time to return it you can account for having cared for it properly.
When you will see the donkey of your enemy crouching under its load and you refrain from helping him, know that you should help him (Exodus 23:5). This sentence can be translated and explained in the following manner: ‘If you think that the physical matter is your enemy; that it is flowing downwards under its load (it is not accomplishing its higher purpose), and you hold back or cease from helping it, removing your attitude and the load will help (you should work with it to refine it, not to break it).’
There are also times when the Torah says that something is so bad that it is necessary to discard the good along with the bad. It requires eyes, ears and wisdom to know how to make the proper choices.
And Moshe took the blood and sprinkled it on (for) the people; and he said behold blood of the covenant that Hashem has made with you (Exodus 24:8). Rabbi Eliezer Ashkenazi (born 1505) writes in his book (Maasei Hashem, Maasei Torah chapter 10, Parshas Mishpotim 53:3) that he sprinkled on the people but not on Aharon, Nodov, Avihoo and the seventy elders. A person who understands in depth Godliness does not need to make a covenant because he sees the truth of Godliness.
Let us utilize the opportunities that are presented to us as we pursue who we are. Strive to remain connected with the source of all existence. Be also resolved and determined to assist all who come (to us) for direction in connecting to the One who sustains the flow and universal order.
May we all be blessed with the ability to discern what it is that we may keep – and what it is that we must discard. Do not allow arrogance to triumph over love. Be giving, kind, and sharing of the special gifts you have received. Only by doing so can we help in the creation of a cohesive society in which everyone is aware of his or her purpose and mission.
With Blessings to all.
of course, I'm thinking about how it applies to walking again and stuff, and to the latest shit on here, and to the shit going on about which I'm not writing. I like his stuff. He packs it like granola bars. And I always learn new things (and either file or discard them).
Posted 28 February 2009 - 01:22 PM
occasional mike holes, but not bad, and not big. pretty peaceful.
better boundary-setting and communication on my part after excessive presence and an incident with another. talked it out. I need space and time to be alone with my thoughts, once in a while. getting my leg back to full use will help get me my life back more, in this respect. it will be great.
I lost a couple of pounds by my stomach. that's great. pants that didn't, fit again. I feel a little top-heavy, but I figure i'll see if I still feel that way, a week from now. body is working normally, otherwise. that's good.
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Posted 05 March 2009 - 03:00 AM
Peter Tork has an advice column here: http://www.thedailyp...ork_apt209.html
Grieving is a topic covered in that column, that month. Here's what he had to say about duration of grieving:
No, there is most certainly no time limit on grieving. I do believe there is a psychological limit, tho’. I don’t know how exactly to put this, but (for starters), I am sure that if there is no let-up in the sadness, then there are unmet issues waiting to be dealt with. In other words, it’s not the grief that matters but rather the underlying belief that some irreplaceable chance has been lost. Loss of a parent is always tough, but it’s the least unnatural order of things, if you see what I’m saying. Perhaps you might check out some bereavement groups to hear how others are dealing with the same thing.
Still and all, it is actually not true that the loss of a parent is the loss of an irreplaceable chance. Whatever you feel you lost can be reclaimed in your life. It’s not easy, as I can attest, but it can be done. Always and always I turn to community. I have found my greatest strength and growth, spiritual and psychological, from my communities and the members thereof. Stick with people who are on your side without ulterior motive, and you can’t go too far wrong.
There’s much more that this kicks up for me that I can’t get into for space limitations, so I’m sorry if I can’t be much more help in this forum. But I can promise that your situation is not remotely hopeless. As to those who are giving you grief about your grief, well, basically, and not to put too fine a point on it, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
He is good kitteh. Been a while since I've seen him play. I should check his schedule. He helped me out when I was in college, taught me to get to the root of what's up and address that. He's into Eastern medicine and zen and stuff, too.
I took my grandma to Jersey to visit her best friend today. Inspired by a joke of hers I overheard, I addressed some of the shit that has been going on (my concerns about it, while not letting on exactly what I know, 'cause I wish I didn't know and I'm sure she wishes I didn't know, too.
3 days in a row of PT ahead, unless some miracle sends me to Hampton. PT is just fine, by me (not that a show isn't great PT, too). Anyway, enough rambling.
I was at Mike's when phish tickets for Hampton went on sale, last fall. I tried to get tickets, but it didn't happen. As much as I'd like to be there this weekend, I wouldn't trade that weekend for all the phish tickets in the world (and I love phish!!). But, really, some things are cooler than phish, or Jerry (Mike would disagree ), or anything. Good times. The phone browser not playing nicely with ticketmaster and livenation is certainly an inconvenience, though. :hammer:
Posted 06 March 2009 - 04:32 AM
I'm doing much better. I hope to be back at judo in a few weeks. Can't wait.
Sunny weather here for the next few days. Going to make the most of it and spend time walking outside on the boardwalk, where there is a rail I can hold on to.
It's happening! I'm actually getting better!! I need to increase my range of motion a ton, but the walking part is getting there.