:heart:
i'm scared... the 'C' Word
Started by
forestdancer
, Aug 12 2009 02:04 AM
224 replies to this topic
#102
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- VibeGuide
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- 1,643 posts
VibeGuide
Posted 08 October 2009 - 03:41 PM
I just wanted to point out that he doesn't have to take care of you.
no, really... he could make excuses, or call in help, or tell you he can't, or ask friends to do it... or call your family.... or something.
he is taking care of you because he wants to, because he loves you, and because he is a good man,
no reason for you to feel guilty.
now.. on to getting better.
lots of love to you and the man who chooses to be by your side.
no, really... he could make excuses, or call in help, or tell you he can't, or ask friends to do it... or call your family.... or something.
he is taking care of you because he wants to, because he loves you, and because he is a good man,
no reason for you to feel guilty.
now.. on to getting better.
lots of love to you and the man who chooses to be by your side.
#103
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- VibeTribe
- 4,944 posts
Posted 08 October 2009 - 05:19 PM
[COLOR="Green"]i just read this article and thought of you.
http://www.boston.co...ostPop_Emailed3
Coupling
Will he hold your purse?
As a breast cancer doctor, I’ve learned how to spot a devoted husband -- a skill I try to share with my single and searching girlfriends.
Illustration by Kim Rosen (Illustration by Kim Rosen)
By Robin Schoenthaler
October 4, 2009
“Everything I know about marriage I learned in my cancer clinic.” I’ve been known to say this to my friends, maybe more than once, maybe even causing some of them to grind their teeth and grumble about Robin and Her Infernal Life Lessons.
I can’t help myself. I’ve worked as a breast cancer doctor for 20 years, I’ve watched thousands of couples cope with every conceivable (and sometimes unimaginable) kind of crisis, and I’ve seen all kinds of marriages, including those that rise like a beacon out of the scorched-earth terror that is a cancer clinic.
It’s a privilege to witness these couples, but the downside is I find myself muttering under my breath when my single female friends show me their ads for online dating. “Must like long walks on beach at sunset, cats,” they write, or “French food, kayaking, travel.” Or a perennial favorite: “Looking for fishing buddy; must be good with bait.” These ads make me want to climb onto my cancer doctor soapbox and proclaim, “Finding friends with fine fishing poles may be great in the short term. But what you really want to look for is somebody who will hold your purse in the cancer clinic.”
It’s one of the biggest take-home lessons from my years as an oncologist: When you’re a single woman picturing the guy of your dreams, what matters a heck of lot more than how he handles a kayak is how he handles things when you’re sick. And one shining example of this is how a guy deals with your purse.
I became acquainted with what I’ve come to call great “purse partners” at a cancer clinic in Waltham. Every day these husbands drove their wives in for their radiation treatments, and every day these couples sat side by side in the waiting room, without much fuss and without much chitchat. Each wife, when her name was called, would stand, take a breath, and hand her purse over to her husband. Then she’d disappear into the recesses of the radiation room, leaving behind a stony-faced man holding what was typically a white vinyl pocketbook. On his lap. The guy -- usually retired from the trades, a grandfather a dozen times over, a Sox fan since date of conception -- sat there silently with that purse. He didn’t read, he didn’t talk, he just sat there with the knowledge that 20 feet away technologists were preparing to program an unimaginably complicated X-ray machine and aim it at the mother of his kids.
I’d walk by and catch him staring into space, holding hard onto the pocketbook, his big gnarled knuckles clamped around the clasp, and think, “What a prince.”
I’ve worked at cancer clinics all around Boston since then, and I’ve seen purse partners from every walk of life, every age and stage. Of course, not every great guy accompanies his wife to her oncology appointment every day -- some husbands are home holding down the fort, or out earning a paycheck and paying the health insurance premiums -- but I continue to have a soft spot for the pocketbook guy. Men like him make me want to rewrite dating ads from scratch.
WANTED: A partner for richer or poorer and for better or worse and absolutely, positively in sickness and in health. A partner for fishing and French food and beach walks and kayak trips, but also for phone calls from physicians with biopsy results. A guy who knows that while much of marriage is a 50-50 give-and-take, sometimes it’s more like 80-20, and that’s OK, even when the 80-20 phase goes on and on. A man who truly doesn’t care what somebody’s breast looks like after cancer surgery, or at least will never reveal that he’s given it a moment’s thought. A guy who’s got some comfort level with secretions and knows the value of a cool, damp washcloth. A partner who knows to remove the computer mouse from a woman’s hand when she types phrases like “breast cancer death sentence” in a Google search. And, most of all, a partner who will sit in a cancer clinic waiting room and hold hard onto the purse on his lap.
Robin Schoenthaler is a radiation oncologist at the MGH Department of Radiation Oncology at Emerson Hospital in Concord. Send comments to coupling@globe.com. Story ideas Send yours to coupling@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to ideas we will not pursue.
http://www.boston.co...ostPop_Emailed3
Coupling
Will he hold your purse?
As a breast cancer doctor, I’ve learned how to spot a devoted husband -- a skill I try to share with my single and searching girlfriends.
Illustration by Kim Rosen (Illustration by Kim Rosen)
By Robin Schoenthaler
October 4, 2009
“Everything I know about marriage I learned in my cancer clinic.” I’ve been known to say this to my friends, maybe more than once, maybe even causing some of them to grind their teeth and grumble about Robin and Her Infernal Life Lessons.
I can’t help myself. I’ve worked as a breast cancer doctor for 20 years, I’ve watched thousands of couples cope with every conceivable (and sometimes unimaginable) kind of crisis, and I’ve seen all kinds of marriages, including those that rise like a beacon out of the scorched-earth terror that is a cancer clinic.
It’s a privilege to witness these couples, but the downside is I find myself muttering under my breath when my single female friends show me their ads for online dating. “Must like long walks on beach at sunset, cats,” they write, or “French food, kayaking, travel.” Or a perennial favorite: “Looking for fishing buddy; must be good with bait.” These ads make me want to climb onto my cancer doctor soapbox and proclaim, “Finding friends with fine fishing poles may be great in the short term. But what you really want to look for is somebody who will hold your purse in the cancer clinic.”
It’s one of the biggest take-home lessons from my years as an oncologist: When you’re a single woman picturing the guy of your dreams, what matters a heck of lot more than how he handles a kayak is how he handles things when you’re sick. And one shining example of this is how a guy deals with your purse.
I became acquainted with what I’ve come to call great “purse partners” at a cancer clinic in Waltham. Every day these husbands drove their wives in for their radiation treatments, and every day these couples sat side by side in the waiting room, without much fuss and without much chitchat. Each wife, when her name was called, would stand, take a breath, and hand her purse over to her husband. Then she’d disappear into the recesses of the radiation room, leaving behind a stony-faced man holding what was typically a white vinyl pocketbook. On his lap. The guy -- usually retired from the trades, a grandfather a dozen times over, a Sox fan since date of conception -- sat there silently with that purse. He didn’t read, he didn’t talk, he just sat there with the knowledge that 20 feet away technologists were preparing to program an unimaginably complicated X-ray machine and aim it at the mother of his kids.
I’d walk by and catch him staring into space, holding hard onto the pocketbook, his big gnarled knuckles clamped around the clasp, and think, “What a prince.”
I’ve worked at cancer clinics all around Boston since then, and I’ve seen purse partners from every walk of life, every age and stage. Of course, not every great guy accompanies his wife to her oncology appointment every day -- some husbands are home holding down the fort, or out earning a paycheck and paying the health insurance premiums -- but I continue to have a soft spot for the pocketbook guy. Men like him make me want to rewrite dating ads from scratch.
WANTED: A partner for richer or poorer and for better or worse and absolutely, positively in sickness and in health. A partner for fishing and French food and beach walks and kayak trips, but also for phone calls from physicians with biopsy results. A guy who knows that while much of marriage is a 50-50 give-and-take, sometimes it’s more like 80-20, and that’s OK, even when the 80-20 phase goes on and on. A man who truly doesn’t care what somebody’s breast looks like after cancer surgery, or at least will never reveal that he’s given it a moment’s thought. A guy who’s got some comfort level with secretions and knows the value of a cool, damp washcloth. A partner who knows to remove the computer mouse from a woman’s hand when she types phrases like “breast cancer death sentence” in a Google search. And, most of all, a partner who will sit in a cancer clinic waiting room and hold hard onto the purse on his lap.
Robin Schoenthaler is a radiation oncologist at the MGH Department of Radiation Oncology at Emerson Hospital in Concord. Send comments to coupling@globe.com. Story ideas Send yours to coupling@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to ideas we will not pursue.
#104
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- VibeTribe
- 3,489 posts
Posted 08 October 2009 - 06:23 PM
i love that!
i remember sitting in the waiting room at the Yale Clinic waiting to have a mammogram, one of many after finding a lump in my right breast, all alone, and thinking, what i really want in a partner is a man who will sit here with me when i'm terrified, who will still love me when my hair falls out from treatments.
i am clean, for now and hopefully for good, but a good man has a different face than the one most women seek.
i remember sitting in the waiting room at the Yale Clinic waiting to have a mammogram, one of many after finding a lump in my right breast, all alone, and thinking, what i really want in a partner is a man who will sit here with me when i'm terrified, who will still love me when my hair falls out from treatments.
i am clean, for now and hopefully for good, but a good man has a different face than the one most women seek.
#108
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 10 October 2009 - 08:22 PM
Thanks for sharing this! My b/f can't bring me all the time cause he has work. Understandable of course. He takes me when he can. Every time have to pee (which is alot) or move he makes sure i'm okay. I noticed an older couple. THe husband was talking to me and being nice but did not even pay attention to his wife or help her unplug her machine. I know have a good man. This is like the biggest thing that our relationship has gone through. Its not easy but we do it. Its just hard not to feel bad when you know you that sick and you need help all the time. I been so indepenedent for so long its not easy. But i'm working on it.
This week I been feeling good and doing things. But Monday starts chemo. Heya. Talk to you all soon and lets you know how its going.
[quote name='mutilatormomma'][COLOR="Green"]i just read this article and thought of you.
[URL="http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed3"]http://www.boston.co...ostPop_Emailed3[/URL]
Coupling
Will he hold your purse?
As a breast cancer doctor, I
This week I been feeling good and doing things. But Monday starts chemo. Heya. Talk to you all soon and lets you know how its going.
[quote name='mutilatormomma'][COLOR="Green"]i just read this article and thought of you.
[URL="http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed3"]http://www.boston.co...ostPop_Emailed3[/URL]
Coupling
Will he hold your purse?
As a breast cancer doctor, I
#117
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 15 October 2009 - 05:38 PM
Round 3 day 4 . one more day to go this week and then one more round beginning of nov. THen i am done. So exhusted the nutrtion i'm hooked up on all night makes me pee every 2-3 hours so i get no sleep..so tired! So now all I want to do is cry or be angry. and just zone out. My realtionship is getting pushed to limits but hes is an amazing man. Tomorrow is his b-day and hes taking me to chemo, which last 5 hours. I just cant' wait to get back to my life, work, dating again instaed of just being bums, driving and not having to sit at a doctors office al the time
They did give me this new patch to try that supposed to help with nausea and vomiting called Sancuso.. you lleave it on 5-7 days... it seems to be helping a bit we will see... right now i just want sleep!!!!!!!
They did give me this new patch to try that supposed to help with nausea and vomiting called Sancuso.. you lleave it on 5-7 days... it seems to be helping a bit we will see... right now i just want sleep!!!!!!!
#123
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 01 November 2009 - 05:53 PM
Hello all. Its been a rough couple of weeks. Besides the nausea, fatique, major depression, i was also having pain in my port area. (Port-thing they put under my skin in my chest to help get iv drugs easier) After an ER trip and some test they say nothing is wrong with my port. Just maybe some fluids from the nutrition got to the area an irriated it a bit. Luckily the pain stopped. Tomorrow I start my last round of treatment! Finally.. althought I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not excited for them to use my port tomororow, afraid of the pain. And i'm not ready to be sick again. This last time i had to get a red blood transfusion and platlettes. WHich made me feel great afterwards but sucked having to sit in a chair again for 2 more days geting ivy.
Other than that.. trying not to go crazy watching tv. Boyfriend and I have are moments. And his 4 year old who likes me when its good for him. I know thats a process that takes alot of time. Its just hard i'm such a motherly type that having kid be standoffish to me is hard. BUt hes been through alot back and forth between mom and dad. I just feel like I have no idea what i'm doing sometimes. I'm doing everything i can without comprising letting him run and do whatever he wants. Alone time with dad, biting my tongue sometimes when dad and i disagree. I dont know. .. i'm just babbling..
Thanks again from everyone.. let you know how the last treatment goes and what the doc says for after!!!
Other than that.. trying not to go crazy watching tv. Boyfriend and I have are moments. And his 4 year old who likes me when its good for him. I know thats a process that takes alot of time. Its just hard i'm such a motherly type that having kid be standoffish to me is hard. BUt hes been through alot back and forth between mom and dad. I just feel like I have no idea what i'm doing sometimes. I'm doing everything i can without comprising letting him run and do whatever he wants. Alone time with dad, biting my tongue sometimes when dad and i disagree. I dont know. .. i'm just babbling..
Thanks again from everyone.. let you know how the last treatment goes and what the doc says for after!!!
#124
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- VibeTribe
- 13,417 posts
Posted 01 November 2009 - 07:38 PM
Hello all. Its been a rough couple of weeks. Besides the nausea, fatique, major depression, i was also having pain in my port area. (Port-thing they put under my skin in my chest to help get iv drugs easier) After an ER trip and some test they say nothing is wrong with my port. Just maybe some fluids from the nutrition got to the area an irriated it a bit. Luckily the pain stopped. Tomorrow I start my last round of treatment! Finally.. althought I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not excited for them to use my port tomororow, afraid of the pain. And i'm not ready to be sick again. This last time i had to get a red blood transfusion and platlettes. WHich made me feel great afterwards but sucked having to sit in a chair again for 2 more days geting ivy.
Other than that.. trying not to go crazy watching tv. Boyfriend and I have are moments. And his 4 year old who likes me when its good for him. I know thats a process that takes alot of time. Its just hard i'm such a motherly type that having kid be standoffish to me is hard. BUt hes been through alot back and forth between mom and dad. I just feel like I have no idea what i'm doing sometimes. I'm doing everything i can without comprising letting him run and do whatever he wants. Alone time with dad, biting my tongue sometimes when dad and i disagree. I dont know. .. i'm just babbling..
Thanks again from everyone.. let you know how the last treatment goes and what the doc says for after!!!
well wishes to you, FD
in regard to your b.friend's son: most parenting experts say that it is the job of the biological parent to do the discipline--you should stay out of that roll as much as possible.
As far as the boy being stand-off-ish: my guess is that he is wounded and confused about his parents not being together and may see you as the intruder. Love and kindness is the best route for you (and staying out of the role of disciplinarian is particularly important during this time). for now, play the role of safe, care-giver. But also make sure that your b.friend is setting clear boundaries and expectations for how he expects his son to treat YOU, and what the consequences will be when he doesn't act appropriately.
If you and your b.friend disagree on how to discipline, make sure you don't do it in front of the son. Maybe purchase a few parenting books (or watch supernanny together) and discuss the strategies found within the books/show?
and find peaceful time for yourself, and allow others to play the role of safe, care-giver for you
#131
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 15 November 2009 - 07:01 PM
CHEMO IS DONE!!!! :wook: woot but been in the hospital for about a week and probably will be for a least a couple more days. My blood counts are just so low, my white is none existance and I keep getting high fevers.. I'm going crazy being in the hosp this long again but on my good days i can see past it and know that i'm done and i dont have to get this sick anymore
I still have a hard time seeing myself in the mirror with no hair, my boyfriend still thinks i'm sexy.... i dont see it...i see a sick person.. but its been a long couple of months especially emotionally and I got to get that back up. I just need to get back to work and doing things.
I still have a hard time seeing myself in the mirror with no hair, my boyfriend still thinks i'm sexy.... i dont see it...i see a sick person.. but its been a long couple of months especially emotionally and I got to get that back up. I just need to get back to work and doing things.
#140
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- VibeTribe
- 8,872 posts
Posted 19 November 2009 - 03:51 AM
CHEMO IS DONE!!!! :wook: woot but been in the hospital for about a week and probably will be for a least a couple more days. My blood counts are just so low, my white is none existance and I keep getting high fevers.. I'm going crazy being in the hosp this long again but on my good days i can see past it and know that i'm done and i dont have to get this sick anymore
I still have a hard time seeing myself in the mirror with no hair, my boyfriend still thinks i'm sexy.... i dont see it...i see a sick person.. but its been a long couple of months especially emotionally and I got to get that back up. I just need to get back to work and doing things.
You are beautiful! Inside and out - believe it!
Keep on posting when you are up to it so we can cheer you on.
Heck, we'll cheer you on even if you don't post!
((((Forestdancer))))
Hang in there, wonderful days are ahead!!
#141
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 20 November 2009 - 10:20 PM
THanks all. I really do need to try and be patient more as a fully recover. One thing i'm not so good at right now. I'm ready for the fast forward button. But I still need to eat better and gain back some weight and muscle. I'm doing my best at i'm still have alot of nausea.
But i'm going back to work Monday. I'm very excited I love my job and have a family there i miss alot. Luckily I now have my own office to do my best to hide from the germs. ( I manage the theatres (facility) at a university and have many student workers and deal with many patrons) So i have to be careful.
My doctor wants me to get both the Flu shot and Swine flu shot. I never gotten a flu shot before. But because of my illness I'm okay with getting the flu shot this year but not the swine flu.. i just dont know? What do you all think?
THanks again for you support its been great being able to come on here and vent and see all the positive messages!
But i'm going back to work Monday. I'm very excited I love my job and have a family there i miss alot. Luckily I now have my own office to do my best to hide from the germs. ( I manage the theatres (facility) at a university and have many student workers and deal with many patrons) So i have to be careful.
My doctor wants me to get both the Flu shot and Swine flu shot. I never gotten a flu shot before. But because of my illness I'm okay with getting the flu shot this year but not the swine flu.. i just dont know? What do you all think?
THanks again for you support its been great being able to come on here and vent and see all the positive messages!
#142
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- VibeTribe
- 8,444 posts
Posted 21 November 2009 - 12:05 AM
YAY!!! So glad you're going back to work... just take it easy! Are there some support sites that you could ask other patients what they think the pros/cons on the swine flu vaccine? I'm not a huge fan of flu shots either but in your circumstance I could certainly see why your doctor is recommending it. Healing vibes to you!!! :heart:
:heart:
#145
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- VibeTribe
- 72,162 posts
- LocationLong Island, NY
Posted 21 November 2009 - 07:19 AM
Yee-Haw!!!
If my doctor had good reasons for me to get the H1N1 vaccination, I would do it.
yeah, me, too, and i'm not otherwise a fan of it. sometimes I just listen to my doctor. if I had just finished chemo, it would be one of those times.
#147
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 25 November 2009 - 03:12 PM
Well my b/f son has the flu.. possibly swine cause he got the reg flu shot already. I stayed away the first night and then he want to grandmas. I been trying to stay off the couch hes been on, cleaned everything and wash my hands as much as I can. Oh yeah and not kiss my b/f. My allergies or acting up or i'm getting a cold. No fever, so far! So thats been fun! 
today is my 3rd day back to work thats been good for most part just not sure where to start on things. And so much as is on my mind that I have a hard time concentrating on work.
I forgot to ask my doctor about my hot flashes and are they ever going to stop. Its only been about 2 and 1/2 weeks since my last chemo but They keep me up all night. every two hours i wake up sweating. It scares me and stresses me out beyond the not sleeping. The nausea and not wanting to eat is still hear but i work on forcing myself to eat.
I still have no sex drive and my b/f been great about it but it even bothers me and i know inside its getting to him hes just not saying anything.
I'm just a mess ladies.. at work trying not to just ball my eyes out right now.
today is my 3rd day back to work thats been good for most part just not sure where to start on things. And so much as is on my mind that I have a hard time concentrating on work.
I forgot to ask my doctor about my hot flashes and are they ever going to stop. Its only been about 2 and 1/2 weeks since my last chemo but They keep me up all night. every two hours i wake up sweating. It scares me and stresses me out beyond the not sleeping. The nausea and not wanting to eat is still hear but i work on forcing myself to eat.
I still have no sex drive and my b/f been great about it but it even bothers me and i know inside its getting to him hes just not saying anything.
I'm just a mess ladies.. at work trying not to just ball my eyes out right now.
#148
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- VibeTribe
- 1,080 posts
Posted 28 November 2009 - 05:19 AM
I had pseudo menopause during chemo and hot flashes. They went away after a few months and my period came back about 7 months after chemo. I am glad to hear you are well enough to be back at work...hope that the hell of chemo did the job and that you are in recovery. 
#149
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- VibeTribe
- 193 posts
Posted 29 November 2009 - 06:02 PM
Thanks mama.. I was really getting worried something was wrong.. I'm not excited that they will be lasting for a while but happy to know they will go away.. they have gotten worse the last couple days!
I also been more stressed out my grandma passed away. Very sad but she was not doing to well so she is in a better place. I'm also slowly getting a cold so i feel even sicker!
When it rains it poors.. but you comment did help i can breath a little now!
I also been more stressed out my grandma passed away. Very sad but she was not doing to well so she is in a better place. I'm also slowly getting a cold so i feel even sicker!
When it rains it poors.. but you comment did help i can breath a little now!
