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Why are women such Bitches to each other?


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#1 Ena

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 01:39 AM

Hi,
My best friend of ten years is being a selfish female dog. I'll just jump right in...........So I've always had a boyfriend, she's always made me feel like I can't bring him around. I've always put my man on the back burner as a result just to hang out with her and the rest of our single girlfriends who also have man problems. (one is divorced, the other one is having citizenship issues, and my best friend who's man lives in another state...keep in mind, our age range is 26-29 years of age) As a result, I've had problems with my man because he knows I've been putting him on the back burner for my best friend and the rest of our girlfriends..for YEARS.

So, now she gets a man who lives in another state and whom she's only been dating for about 6 months. (Her and I are 27 and 29 y.o. btw) She starts distancing herself from me, and I told her this bothers me. She starts doing things without me, and basically our relationship is changing. The last straw was when I told her to come out for my boyfriend's bday dinner. The day of, she arrives late, then takes about 1 hour at the bar, and promises to meet up with me and my boyfriend and his friends for a mini-party at his house. She doesn't show up. Next day she just says "Oh sorry" when I addressed the issue.

We got into this big fight and she resfsed and still refuses to take responsibility for any wrong-doing on her behalf. Instead, she starts throwing in my face all of the good things she's done for me and threatens to take away her friendship. I've never done either of those two things to her. Plus, If i've ever wronged-her I've always fessed up and said sorry. I told her this is the last time I'd beg for her to forgive me, and the last time I'd accept any wrong on my part for anything else. I am done.

It's been a month since I've talked to her. I've decided to concentrate on the ppl that have always been there for me, and have been too blind to acknowledge, like my boyfriend. I've been so busy trying to please her, that I've neglected him so much. I've distanced myself so much from her in comparison to before. I really feel better. But As a result, she's told our friends God knows what, and now they are against me. I've said nothing to our friends regarding our little feud. I respect other ppl's privacy and mine too much to be spreading stories around.

Well she got engaged this weekend to that guy, (I didn't know of course because I haven't spoken to her) and she texted me just today to tell me. I said congratulations. She said thanks. That was it. I was furious for the following reason:

---If I'm such a "horrible" friend whom has screwed her over so many times to the point that she's felt the need to damage my name in front of our friends, (who stupidly would listen only to her side of the story and not bother to ask me about anything), Then why the f*** does she care or want me to know she's engaged? Isn't it enough that she has other people that she clearly chooses over me in her life??? (i.e. friends, family, co-workers, and now this new guy that personally I don't think she knows well enough?)She knows my terms: dump your selfish pride and acknowledge that you make mistakes in our friendship or get the f* out. Please help I need perspective.

Confused and Furious,

Ena:carla:

#2 MeOmYo

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 01:58 AM

Sounds like you're just growing apart. Life. Also sounds like you both have a hard time getting over stuff. She wants you to know about her engagement because you still mean something to her.

#3 deadheadskier

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 02:21 AM

RC: browses the board by the "new posts" feature

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2. deadheadskier

occupy vaginaville :funny1:

#4 MeOmYo

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 02:09 PM

:funny1:

Note: Droid does not give forum posted in.......

#5 Ena

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 04:40 PM

??

Stick to the topic please! :/

#6 nancykind

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 05:20 PM

we often (as in almost always) digress in threads, it's not just this one, don't worry. :) :thup:

#7 Ena

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 12:14 AM

Thanks for your feedback MeOmYo..it clears some things up. I still really wanna rip her a new one, but at this point does it really matter anymore?

#8 nancykind

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 12:22 AM

possibly not at all. and if others believe anything they're told then it doesn't seem as though they should be in your friends category either.

#9 Karen

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 12:27 AM

Your friend may not even be aware that she acted the way she did regarding your boyfriend when she was single. I've witnessed several friends change some of their social habits over the years as a result of falling in love.

Sharing her engagement news with you could quite simply be because you are important to her. I would suggest letting the past go and be happy for her now and happy for yourself. :heart: Life is ever changing :)

#10 Ena

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 10:03 AM

Thank you ladies. It really is helpful to have mature, objective, and insightful advice. Those girls aren't my friends, and my friend is possibly so overwhelmed with her new engagement. --This is also her first real boyfriend as well. I think I know what I have to do; it doesn't have anything to do with those other so called mutual "friends" either. I have to talk to her one on one away from them, and at best, make peace with her. Then just let her go. My friend of 11 years. It's very sad for me, but she has someone to take care of her. I have lots of wonderful people around me to fill the void that she'll leave.

Im also going through my graduate program and no matter how much I try to keep up with her and our other "friends" I'm just not able to. I don't have the amount of time I used to. I suppose its God-sent. To create and maintain a safe distance. :sad:

I love everyone in my life. They're there for a reason. They're also gone for a reason.

#11 Jersey Thug

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 03:04 PM

it's natural that as we get older our priorities change. it seems like you may be blaming her for your own lack of re-prioritization (which led to complications in your relationship with your boyfriend) as well as for prioritizing her own romantic relationship over your friendship. she may badly need to find a balance between her friends and fiance...but as you admitted, so do you. i think there's room for both friends and romance in your life, as well as your studies...if you really want to find it. but you can't blame her for the decisions you made any more than she can dump you the minute she falls in love. neither is fair.

whatever has come between you this last month, she cares enough to want to share her happiness with you. i'd call her and set aside some time to talk face to face, and stop listening to other people who aren't your friends. hopefully, the two of you can find a way to maintain your friendship without the need to be joined at the hip, since neither of you has the time for that right now anyway. doesn't mean the friendship has to be let go, though :dunno: unless i'm totally missing some important point.

#12 TEO

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 09:04 PM

My initial outlook on this mirrors Jersey Thug's.

#13 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 December 2011 - 08:06 PM

:)

as for the initial thread title question...hang in there. it gets better as we mature and learn to appreciate our female friendships more. that's something widely agreed upon by nearly all of my 30- and 40-something girlfriends, i believe.

#14 JBetty

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Posted 07 December 2011 - 08:20 PM

:)

as for the initial thread title question...hang in there. it gets better as we mature and learn to appreciate our female friendships more. that's something widely agreed upon by nearly all of my 30- and 40-something girlfriends, i believe.



This is most definitely a universal truth. :jamguy:
And not just female friendships, but friendships and relationships in general.

I think a better thread title would be "Why Are 20somethings Such Assholes To Each Other?"

#15 vinandtonic

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Posted 11 December 2011 - 03:41 PM

:)

as for the initial thread title question...hang in there. it gets better as we mature and learn to appreciate our female friendships more. that's something widely agreed upon by nearly all of my 30- and 40-something girlfriends, i believe.


most definitely.

although I wish I had more girly friends who lived closer. most of mine are at least an hour away (and my best friend lives 3000 miles away :sad:).

#16 Java Time

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Posted 11 December 2011 - 04:36 PM

RC: browses the board by the "new posts" feature

1. MeOmYo
2. deadheadskier

occupy vaginaville :funny1:


:raiseshand: I just did:funny1:

And since I'm here???

Well I don't think they've just bitches to each other and it's not just sometimes:eek1:

#17 Lazy Lightning

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Posted 11 December 2011 - 05:17 PM

I think a better thread title would be "Why Are 20somethings Such Assholes To Each Other?"


FTW! :v: Altho everyone in my crowd was really cool, those who treated people like crap found themselves on the outskirts pretty quickly.

Personally, I get so tired of women being called bitches... Worst of all is then other women do the name calling, imoho.

#18 TEO

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Posted 12 December 2011 - 02:40 PM

I grew up with the frame of reference that a bitch is a female dog. We call females or males bitches if they are acting like a dog in any fashion. :dunno:

#19 Jersey Thug

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Posted 12 December 2011 - 08:06 PM

Java Time may want to reconsider painting all women with such 'broad' strokes if he wants to continue to be welcomed into our midst. just saying. :grin:

#20 Java Time

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Posted 13 December 2011 - 01:07 AM

Java Time may want to reconsider painting all women with such 'broad' strokes if he wants to continue to be welcomed into our midst. just saying. :grin:

Just playing...I usually reserve bitch for the guys and that's usually only when I get all gangsta up in this shit yo!


Word

#21 Jersey Thug

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 12:25 AM

your sense of humor is...interesting :huh: if that's your idea of "playing".

#22 unbroken_chain

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 03:18 PM

your sense of humor is...interesting :huh: if that's your idea of "playing".


I know, right!!?? :lol:

now, how to get down from here...

#23 Java Time

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 04:21 PM

your sense of humor is...interesting :huh: if that's your idea of "playing".


Yes...that was my idea of playing.

Sorry that I failed to realized that only women can use the word bitch...damn...did it again!!!! Interesting :funny1:

#24 unbroken_chain

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 04:44 PM

I was justified when I was five
Raising Cain, I spit in your eye
Times are changing, now the poor get fat
But the fever's gonna catch you when the bitch gets back

#25 TEO

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 06:31 PM

Yes...that was my idea of playing.

Sorry that I failed to realized that only women can use the word bitch...damn...did it again!!!! Interesting :funny1:


IMO, that kind of playing would fly in L&S, but not so much in the Women's forum. :wink:

#26 Lazy Lightning

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 06:40 PM

I grew up with the frame of reference that a bitch is a female dog. We call females or males bitches if they are acting like a dog in any fashion. :dunno:


That doesn't make it lie right with me. Funny thing is, I usually find the one calling others bitches to actually be what they happen to be tossing at others.

It's all in how it's used, is what I'm saying... Context = everything.

#27 TEO

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 06:59 PM

Not certain I have ever used the term not preceded by an "F" word.

#28 Java Time

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Posted 14 December 2011 - 07:06 PM

IMO, that kind of playing would fly in L&S, but not so much in the Women's forum. :wink:


OK Miss Teo...I apologize to the ladies on this here subject in the Women's Circle...

But it looks as though it's ok for vaginaville...

Vaginaville:funny1:

#29 Ena

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Posted 20 December 2011 - 03:04 PM

Here is copy of an email I recently sent her..her response is at the bottom. *disclaimer she tweeted her mother was fine. In her response letter it seems much more serious. Since I haven't spoken to her, Idk whether her mother is really ok or not, and whether or not she's overinflating the truth*--You'll see what I mean when you read her response.

Vanessa,



I have a few important points to address and clear up in case there is any confusion between us. The reason I'm writting is not important; all I know is that it is the right thing to do.

I want to start off by saying that I am simply using this space to talk and share my thoughts with you, seeing that things have reached a completely different level.



To begin, its really unfair and really hurtful that our friends believe the half truths you've told them. Instead of resolving issues between us, it seems the only other solution is to gossip to others about our problems instead of dealing with them directly were they originate; with me. That's really immature and irresponsible. I don't stand a chance and its as if i'm figuratively getting "kicked" from behind in the dark. I can understand you're mad. But if you ever cared about our relationship then I would hope and expect that you'd initiate contact with me and approach me face to face like the caring, responsible, and educated adults that you know we both are. Simply put, if you feel like I've wronged you, talk to me about it. Don't hide behind others or your own excuses; it demeans us both.



Secondly, I think its important to remember that in our friendship we've done many things for each other, not just you for me. For this very important reason, I don't appreciate that you hang all the "things" or "favors" you've done for me throughout the years over my head. When you do, its just a manipulative, unauthentic, and single sided relationship with malicious intent. Friends do things for each other without asking for anything in return--unconditionally. Whether you're willing to see it or not, I've done my part in being supportive through your friend and family issues just like you have for mine as well. If you can't see that, then I've been clearly mistaken about our friendship this whole time. And If you said both of these things to me in anger, admit it. Don't hide it.



I know that I myself, have plenty of faults and I'm working hard to admit them and change them; this is part of my process as I continually develop into a concious and responsible human being. Instead of denying that I've done anything wrong and holding onto my pride, I admit fault where I've failed because I'm human and humans make mistakes..pride doesn't help the situation either. I strive to do what's right to correct my mistakes because like you, I care about people around me. The bottom line is, I've never talked behind your back to friends or acquaintences. I've never "threatened" to take away my friendship from you as a way to coerse or manipulate you. Again, I may be selfish, quick to assume and slow to listen, and picky at times and sometimes I have no shame, but I've always respected your privacy and that of those close to you. I've never "reminded" you of all the things I've done for you. I've always remained loyal to you.



Although these issues may not be physically violent, they are emotionally violent. They negatively affect us both and those around us. I hope we can resolve our differences and come to a mutual agreement. I'm willing to compromise and re-imagine a friendship that works for you and I together. Not just you. Not just me. Whether we resolve our problems or not, I ask (1) that you not minimize my words or this situation and hope that in time "I will forget about it." Because I won't.--I need to address the issues, talk about them, then we can move on. Also, (2) cease from damaging my name with one-sided half truths; Please show both of us some dignity and respect; If the problem is ours then the solution should be ours too. All others need not give a negative opinion from a biased story they've just heard. There's always 3 sides to a story: your side, their side, and the truth and I may always be a target, but I refuse to be a victim.



I've made the best decision I could based on hard facts and our history. So its up to you.



Congratulations on the engagement. I'm happy for your happiness. I am glad you were able to find someone that makes you fall in love everyday you are with him. If you ever need a sincere and well thought-out gesture of reasurrance, love, or friendship, you have my eternal support.





In Solidarity,



Ena.






This is Vanessa's response:


Ena,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this email. Whatever people want to believe let them believe but I'm not going to hide from the truth. Truth is you were not talking to me for not going to Victor's house and then you had the audacity to ask for an apology. I did tell people that when they asked because that is what happened. Of course people are going to ask because we were always together. Whatever other stories or things they want to make up that's their problem all I know is that we are too damn old for this highschool drama. Other than that I haven't said anything else, believe me or not but that's the truth.

Secondly, the only reason I told you what I have done for you is because now that you don't need me you're very quick to not talk to me. Seems like when you were living with my brother no matter what the issue you were willing to talk it out but this time for something so trivial you did not want to talk to me.

Have you ever thought what our friendship is based on? I have been pondering that question ever since these issues have developed. Seems to me you are so accustomed for me to be there when you need me at the drop of a hat, and when that doesn't happen all hell brakes loose. That's not fair to me to have to bend and twist in order to please you.

Also, you couldn't have done this at a worse time in my life. I would not even think of doing this to you months after a parents death. A friendship is not all about you, it's about others too. I can admit I did say some hurtful things but I could not believe you were doing that to me, I thought you would have more common sense to think "hmmm maybe what I'm going through is no where near what she is going through. I'm going to hold this one in. " also to make matters worse you block me from your FB what a cheap blow, that is immature and further stimulates my speculation that you think you are superior.

I too hope that one day I can get over this but the wound is deep and the scaring has not yet begun. Also, I know you found out my mother was in a very bad car accident that almost took her life but I did not hear a word from you. These days I'm getting more support from strangers than you, and that's heartbreaking to me.

I hope you can at least get a sense from where I'm coming from.

Best Regards,

Vanessa