19 replies to this topic

[Heady]

Long story short, we dated for 4 months, she got pregnant, she chose to keep the baby, I chose to stick around. Fast forward, we have a 3 month old and our relationship is not working for either of us. I'm moving out at the end of this month when our lease runs out. It's going to be expensive bc I'm paying rent in 2 places (for August, then I'll begin child support in September) but I think we need to try something else. She plans to extend her work contract for another 9 months, so we should both still live in the same city. Not sure completely bc I may lose my job in a matter of weeks/months bc our non profit might fold. Lucky for me I've saved a good chunk of change so no matter what happens I know I can continue to support my son, and myself.

Not sure if I'm the bad guy here, I just know it's not getting better it's getting worse.. and it's better to be "from a broken home, then to live in one"

[deadheadskier]

sorry to hear. Maybe some time apart will do you both good and you work things out. This all must be super hard and I feel for you.


Oh, and a word on semantics, it's not recommended to say, "She got pregnant". Throw a 'we' in there instead.

You'll get through this. Just be there for your son and his mom the best you can even if the two of you aren't together at this time.

[Heady]

That's kind of what I'm hoping. Although I think in the long run, we are just not compatable for each other. We gave it an honest shot. We just butt heads way too much, it's constantly love/hate and it's not easy for anyone. She snaps, I snap back, and vice versa. I'm from a "broken home" so I'm trying to figure out how the hell I can be a good dad and make sure that for the rest of my life my son knows that I am there for him. We had a meltdown this past weekend, not gonna get into it but I ended up in a motel. I don't need any of it. I'm not trying to say I'm not wrong. I know I've fucked up.

This possibly could have been handled better if we were in therapy, but we tried that last year when WE got pregnant, and it was awful

[Drop_o_Rain]

I don't care if you stay with the girl or not. I really don't.
But...... stay involved with that boy. You can try to fool yourself into thinking that another man can fill your place if she happens to be involved again..
but you can't be replaced.
Don't rely on her to tell you when events are... find out for yourself. Call his school, have report card duplicated and newsletters sent to you too... call his soccer coach... call the whatever and figure it out on your own. and then GO. $$$$$ isn't the end all, be all of support...
and never ever ever lie to your kid and tell him that you can't be at XYZ because you are working....... some day he will get on facebook and see that the real reason you aren't there is because you are at some gaddamn event with your girlfriend and then HE WILL KNOW YOU LIED.

ok... so that last one might be a little more personal but you get my point, right?

[Mama Kel]

Best of luck to you

[kramer]

it's not easy, Heady, but you gotta do what you gotta do i'm sorry it's not working out with yeh babymama but i know you'll be there for your son when it counts

[fire_rocket]

Good luck to you Heady!

[unbroken_chain]

I was about to chime in with a bunch of stuff, but Drop pretty much covered it... even if you have to grin and bear bullshit (I promise you I swallowed my pride a ton of times for the sake of my girls) the value of an interested and caring parent is huge.

[Lazy Lightning]

Sorry to hear this Heady, but I agree that staying together for the child(ren) when in a relationship that isn't working only teaches kids to stay in relationships that don't work. I know you will continue to be an upstanding father.

[Depends]

:heart:Heady, sorry to hear this, but Drop is 100% right. As is U_C. Once you move out, stop the fighting. Nothing is as important as the baby. You can be right, or you can be happy. If you stop snapping back, things will get better. It doesn't matter who's right. That part is over. As U_C says, swallow your pride, you will find yourself happier. (not that it's easy...)
Once the baby grows, you gotta be there. Don't mail it in. Be involved.

And this board is here anytime you wanna bitch...

[deadheadskier]

got two great dads sharing advice hear Heady. I've never met their kids, but I've met Malcolm and Chris and there's no doubt they're great dads

[Eco]

Good luck heady, I've been in your shoes and they suck ass!

[unbroken_chain]

Learn to remain or become best friends with this woman with whom you created life... and together understand that it is a precious thing, and that the child needs to know the love of both parents and will in fact be affected by hearing either one of you say shitty things about the other - I'm certain even little babies can sense strife. I know mine could.
It took my ex and I a bit to get our "shit" together as CO parents - but even up until that point I made damn certain, that regardless of what SHE did... I kept my word to the girls, and was always there as planned... and let me tell you - with all due respect to my ex... its pretty clear my kids know who has been there for them and who has kinda muddled along... you're clearly a good guy... but you done spilled yer seed now your life is second to your sons... some folks cannot and do not accept that (see: deadbeat dad/deadbeat mom) and pretty much turn their back... or just send $$$ as if that is the same as spending the day with their parent.
I had a somewhat absentee father... and while we communicate, I don't really know the guy...

Hopefully ya'll will work out a fair and equitable arrangment - I know first hand that child support can get nasty... good luck fine sir.

[Count P-Funk]

Drop_o_Rain and unbroken_chain have some great advice and have been in your shoes, listen to them.

[Spiderweb]

Exactly what Kimmy & Chris said.

My ex choose to be the one who didn't bother, made excuses, lied, etc. Unfortunately it all came back on him & his daughter wants nothing todo with him any longer:sad:

[Phishfolk]

Exactly what Kimmy & Chris said.

This

But at the very least pay child support

[TEO]

:heart:Heady, sorry to hear this, but Drop is 100% right. As is U_C. Once you move out, stop the fighting. Nothing is as important as the baby. You can be right, or you can be happy. If you stop snapping back, things will get better. It doesn't matter who's right. That part is over. As U_C says, swallow your pride, you will find yourself happier. (not that it's easy...)
Once the baby grows, you gotta be there. Don't mail it in. Be involved.

And this board is here anytime you wanna bitch...

Unconditional love is the most important thing you can give your child.

All best wishes Heady

[sums]

i'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, jon, but i believe you are doing the right thing. i waited too long to leave my ex and it just made it harder for all of us.

what chris said; be friends, be respectful to each other, be kind to each other. find common ground where you can do things together as your son grows. you are teaching him about relationships through the way you treat each other whether you are together or not.

good luck

[Shutterbug]

Hope things are working out for all of you ~
Kimmy & Chris really NAILED IT ...
I firmly believe ~ parents come in pairs for a reason ~ you don't have to live together to have a relationship and we as parents ALL make mistakes ... just don't let yours be to leave him wondering if you loved him. ~ I have 2 girls w/ 2 not so different fathers - the oldest watched her father willingly end his life in a very slow & painful way - and to this day she will tell you in all of his mistake the one thing that was never lacking was his love for her - she loves & misses him daily ~ the other has a father who lives local that she can goes months without seeing & the greatest / worst part is .. she calls it normal, says its the way it is, she expects nothing & and doesn't even get sad anymore when he calls in sick to visitation w/ the flu (after spending the night before @ a show getting hammered ) ... once you loose their trust, or they feel they can not count on you it is VERY hard to get back - if ever ... IMO - if there is ever a relationship worth fighting for its the ones with our children -

~Many Blessings

[freerange]

good advice here Heady.
All the best to you and your family.
you can break the cycle of your past, you don't have to be your Dad and your baby doesn't have to be you.
here's to new roads
good luck
and take a breath of air