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#1 holysmokes

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Posted 10 February 2014 - 03:40 AM

" 'A fish saved my life once' says a Zen master. 'How?' asked someone. 'I ate him' replied the master."
-The movie "Iron Circle"


"An old man stooped by age and hard work was gathering sticks in the forest. As he hobbled painfully along, he began to feel sorry for himself. With a hopeless gesture he throw his bundle of sticks upon the ground and groaned "Life is too hard, I cannot bear it any longer, If only death would come and take me." Even as those words were out of his mouth, death in the form of a skeleton in a black robe stood before him. "I heard you call me sir." he said, "what can I do for you?" "please sir" replied the old man, 'could you please help me put this bundle of sticks back on my shoulder again'" -unknown

The above came from a page of quotes, although the rest are good in themselves they are not as humorous.
http://www.yamabushi...tes_martial.htm

#2 holysmokes

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Posted 11 March 2014 - 01:15 PM

An Irish Pub Joke...
An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
http://www.islandire...ets/toasts.html

#3 MeOmYo

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Posted 11 March 2014 - 05:40 PM

A guy goes into a  bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you  have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the  man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk  about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

 

The guy leaves,  . . . But he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender  says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the  man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then  starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

 

The  guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more  time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy  says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says,  "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

 

The robot leans in real  close and says, "SO, . . . You people . . . Still happy . . . With  Obama?" 



#4 TEO

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Posted 12 March 2014 - 01:02 PM

:lol:



#5 Depends

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Posted 12 March 2014 - 01:57 PM

"Tell him I'm fucking busy, or vice versa."  Dorothy Parker



#6 JBetty

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Posted 12 March 2014 - 02:46 PM

"I am fond of pigs.  Dogs look up to us.  Cats look down on us.  Pigs treat us as equals."   Winston Churchill



#7 Feck

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Posted 12 March 2014 - 05:59 PM

a man comes home with a friend in tow, tells his wife and then asks his wife what's for dinner.

 

the wife says, how can you just show up like this with your friend.

The house is a mess, i'm still in my sweats, no make up and i haven't taken a shower since the day before yesterday.

why did you bring him here ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's thinking of getting married.



#8 holysmokes

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Posted 17 March 2014 - 04:06 AM

"Tell him I'm fucking busy, or vice versa."  Dorothy Parker

 

Yes! Love it.  Short, simple and to the point.



#9 holysmokes

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Posted 17 March 2014 - 04:06 AM

a man comes home with a friend in tow, tells his wife and then asks his wife what's for dinner.

 

the wife says, how can you just show up like this with your friend.

The house is a mess, i'm still in my sweats, no make up and i haven't taken a shower since the day before yesterday.

why did you bring him here ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's thinking of getting married.

 

LOL for this one!