Once upon a time, a young maiden was getting ready to scrub the floors in her dirty apartment. Her man was away for the weekend, and she wanted to clean the whole house before her brothers and preggo sister-in-law spend the night on Saturday.
Step 1- Scrub the f^@k out of the toilet- I mean, really get up in there. Let set for a few minutes to disinfect.
Step 2- Mop the bathroom floor
*Of course the mop bucket was full of old dirty water. -Why wouldn't it be?
Step 2.1- Dump the mop bucket in the toilet.
*wait, what made that noise as I dumped the water in? Was there something in there?
Step 2.2- Flush the toilet- and watch it slowly.slowly...slowly go down
Step 2.3- Call a plumber and realize that I can't/shouldn't risk having to spend a few hundred dollars on my own freakin' failure. Email boyfriend and find out that he remembered something dropping into the mop bucket the day before
Step 2.4- self-hatred, and two hours of googling how to unf^@k the situation.
Reach waaaay the hell up there? Unbend a wire hanger? Dump in hot water?
Step 2.5- Drive to you local home improvement megamart (more savings, more doings, thats the power of the home creephole) Buy the $8 closet/toilet auger, a $2 wax ring (in case I really mean to do this) and a $2 energy drink Yeah, its 10pm and I'm tired.
Step 2.6-2.15- Try various methods already tried. Now with the addition of a 3ft auger. Fun tool.
*also learn that the water shutoff valve does not shut the water supply to the toilet off. Spray face with ick water.
Step 2.16- Submit, shower, drink whiskey. (3am)
Step 2.17- Wake up and need to poop >.<
Step 2.18- Spend over an hour frantically searching the apartment basement for main shutoff valve (to my unit). Fail.
Step 2.19- All the while rant to family on facebook in hopes someone will offer help
Step 2.20- Go balls deep. Undo the supply line and spray water everywhere. F^@king firehose.
Step 2.21- Tie thin rope around the line and tie the other end to the bathtub faucet directing *most of the spray in there.
Step 2.22- Run to the basement and listen to the pipes.
Step 2.23- Shut off every valve found. EUREKA!
Step 2.24- Remove the toilet from the floor (lol- by unscrewing the 3in wood screws that connect it to the rusted flange/floor boards and cutting off all the silicone)
Step 2.25- Spend an hour getting the blockage out- a f^@king plastic heart bottle for sand art.
F^@king sand art... and of course- it won't fit out the end of the trap.
Step 2.255- Apply lube and eff it out the back way
Step 2.26- Reattach toilet and pray that the new wax seal was properly applied.
Step 2.27 REJOICE! and then remember to POOP!
Step 2.27 Ajax/bleach scrub the ENTIRE bathroom, drop off laundry, drop off dog to groomer
Step 2.28- Fill mop bucket with hot tap water and floor wash. Mop.
Step 3- Pick up laundry and dog
Step 4- Spend over an hour getting two futon covers on (apparently monstrous sized futons)
Step 5- Harass anti-social teenage cousin on facebook
Step 6- Forget about cleaning, start writing a journal entry to help remember when I block this day out of my brain.
Step 6.1- Start a new thread on the vibes forum.
Step 7- Check back in hopes my dear friends will read it.
Step 8- Pour and drink whisky
Step 9- Repeat
Someone please tell me that I'm a fucking badass.