Alcohol / Drugs ,but a symptom of the problem.
Posted 15 February 2013 - 07:59 PM
At some point i took to alcohol as a Coping mechanism to deal with Everything. I was pre genetic to an Addictive Personality ,Once exposed to alcohol it was out of my hands. Hence why i made the decision to turn it over.
Stuff i buried deep down since i was thirteen is just coming up now.
An example of the emotional stuff i never dealt with throughout my life are the first real heartbreak at seventeen!! Or Having Real Relationships with new people based on trust an honesty rather than whatcha got and what can you do for me? Rather what do you need and what can i do for you?
Through the years i was and am blessed to have made some of these friends (most of them are here! Lol) but again and always i dont know what i did to deserve the unconditional love and support and am just grateful they all saw something in me.
Another example is learning how to Live. Not survive but Live. Work ,Get a Paycheck. Pay bills (i didnt capitalize bills because they suck but hey! Thats ok!! They are supposed to and its ok.) ask me that 21 months ago and i woulda said "fuck that ,the world should be paying me just for being here! Sheesh what an asshole ,right!?
Anywho i digress.. My point was is that Alcohol being just a symptom of the problem then what was the problem?.. Me. I was and am the problem. The selfishness ,the self-centeredness ,the arrogance ,the bad attitude and outlook upon life and myself in general.
Now that the alcohol is out of me i need to fix me. I am. One day at a time. One new friend at a time. One Amend ,Apology ,or just a hey i missed you to an old friend. I can do this because i turn it over daily to something / someone bigger than myself. He's cool too because in my mind he surfs like me!! I'm sure of it! Why else would he /she /it have created the most awesome waves during sunrise!!?
I also can do this because i can see clearly through bright eyes that arent filtered through whiskey.
And i can hear you now that my ears arent filled with whiskey and everyone sounds like the Peanuts teacher.
And i can bang into work at 6:45 am because im not just walkin through the door from who the hell knows where i was because i didnt and im not waking up on the train tracks because subconsciously i was trying to kill myself or in a jail cell.. Well because my new lifestyle allows me not to worry about the cops lol
Life is good. Life is fun again. It has meaning and substance. A direction.. Not sure where its going but not the gutter jail or a waste is a good thing! And most importantly about that is i am not scared of the unknown!
Even music is good again
Posted 15 February 2013 - 08:54 PM
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making...
Glad you've found a better way.