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it's decorative gourd season (again)!

autumn fall gourd pumpkin Diffrent Strokes

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#1 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:08 AM

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it?

Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.


Welcome to autumn, fuckheads! :bouncey:

(epic rant brought to you courtesy of Colin Nissan)



#2 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:28 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

:clapping:

"The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer."
Call it "Avion ass" and I'm all in, I like to swing.

#3 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:30 AM

I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”'

:lol:

#4 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:39 AM

Spring is for melons, but we're talking about gourds. It's fall, fuckers.

#5 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:40 AM

You know I can't stop picturing your gourds now right? Waxed shiny gourds.

#6 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:46 AM

they're both extremely fucking real :grin:

#7 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:59 AM

Sure felt like it to me. Still like em shiny. :smile:

#8 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:05 AM

i can do shiny :bouncey:

#9 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:06 AM

I'll leave first thing in the morning. Seriously- I have a tent and I'll meet ya half way.

#10 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:09 AM

and i just found out i have tomorrow off...how fortuitous :grin:

#11 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:13 AM

I'll take two. Days I mean. :lol:

#12 Jersey Thug

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:14 AM

i was going to say, only two? i can do that with both hands tied behind my back.

#13 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:18 AM

As you wish.

#14 Lemireacle

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:40 AM

I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”'

:lol:


:lmao:

#15 Ginger Snap

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 06:50 AM

Howdy Rich :tipshat: Been a while. :smile:

#16 Spidergawd

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 02:27 PM

:clapping: Love this rant!

#17 foo

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 02:57 PM

great! :funny1:

#18 Karen

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 04:14 PM

:lol:

#19 Lemireacle

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 04:21 PM

Howdy Rich :tipshat: Been a while. :smile:


Howdy Michelle! Sorry I missed this, I passed out shortly after reading this thread.

#20 hoagie

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 05:33 PM

I must be missing something here...

#21 Jersey Thug

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 02:44 AM

You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.

#22 SunshineDrummer

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 02:56 AM

OK, its officially fall now. :lol:

#23 jme

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 12:42 PM

:beer:

I love this one.

#24 Phishfolk

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 01:03 PM

As you wish.


It's fucking fall not talk like a pirate day :lol:

#25 B. Diddy

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 01:04 PM

Awesome. Thanks for that.

#26 Tim the Beek

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 01:11 PM

It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.

#27 cdrhead

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 06:07 PM

I don't get into to decorating much...even for holidays. I was reading about the Fall Down Fest that just happened in Ct....I didn't go but thought it was cool that besides a ticket you needed a carved pumpkin to enter :cool:

#28 TEO

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 09:20 PM

I don't get into to decorating much...even for holidays. I was reading about the Fall Down Fest that just happened in Ct....I didn't go but thought it was cool that besides a ticket you needed a carved pumpkin to enter :cool:


Yeah, that is why I can never go to that one.

#29 Julius

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:02 PM

A couple of years they had this black corn on the cob at the farmers market around this time of year so I bought some thinking, hey that's new and interesting!

So I bring it home and steam it. . . and it tastes like bitter plastic rope. But I still ate like 4-5 bites of it. Next week I go back to the farmer and was angry, told her "That corn you sold me was TERRIBLE" and of course she laughed so hard before she could get out the words: "That's supposed to be decorative!" :lol:

#30 Julius

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:03 PM

Note to local farmers: Please label food that isn't supposed to be eaten as "NOT FOOD" or something like that. :lol:

#31 hoagie

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:09 PM

Where can I find Gangnam style gourds this year?

#32 Julius

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:09 PM

And what's the deal with fancy baskets anyway? I don't get it. People go shopping with these big bulky impractical baskets to hold their stuff. Do some people just have a thing for baskets? I guess maybe I'm too practical sometimes.

#33 TEO

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:11 PM

Yes, some folks do have a basket thing. Even so, I think Basketville went out of business, or maybe not. http://www.basketville.com/retail.php

#34 Julius

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:16 PM

Baskets are great when stuffed with cheeses, fancy aired meats, candy, and any other type of foodie goodie. But every time I've gotten one as a gift (usually from a work-related vendor) the nice empty basket sits around taking up space and I feel bad tossing it, but WTF am I gonna do with a fucking basket??? :lol:

#35 Jwheelz

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:16 PM

it puts the lotion in the basket :coffee:

#36 KrisNYG

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 10:24 PM

A couple of years they had this black corn on the cob at the farmers market around this time of year so I bought some thinking, hey that's new and interesting!

So I bring it home and steam it. . . and it tastes like bitter plastic rope. But I still ate like 4-5 bites of it. Next week I go back to the farmer and was angry, told her "That corn you sold me was TERRIBLE" and of course she laughed so hard before she could get out the words: "That's supposed to be decorative!" :lol:


Are you fucking serious?! :rotf: You're from this area, you should know better!

it puts the lotion in the basket :coffee:


WIN!

Okay, this thread has made me feel better about today. :lmao:

#37 SunshineDrummer

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Posted 09 October 2012 - 03:25 AM

Note to local farmers: Please label food that isn't supposed to be eaten as "NOT FOOD" or something like that. :lol:


Note to former New Englander: You should know better, ya doofus. :lol:

#38 Phishfolk

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Posted 09 October 2012 - 03:52 AM

Where can I find Gangnam style gourds this year?

:lol:

#39 Jersey Thug

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 03:42 PM

Julius :lol: :lol: :lol:

#40 KrisNYG

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 03:43 PM

Julius :lol: :lol: :lol:


Seriously! :rolling:

#41 Tim the Beek

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 03:43 PM

Baskets are great when stuffed with cheeses, fancy aired meats, candy, and any other type of foodie goodie. But every time I've gotten one as a gift (usually from a work-related vendor) the nice empty basket sits around taking up space and I feel bad tossing it, but WTF am I gonna do with a fucking basket??? :lol:


Need to get something to store the empty baskets in.

Need a basket case.

#42 Jersey Thug

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 03:46 PM

oh, surely we have enough of those already.

#43 Ginger Snap

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 04:07 PM

:lol:

#44 Tim the Beek

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 04:12 PM

oh, surely we have enough of those already.


:mrgreen:

#45 Tim the Beek

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Posted 01 October 2013 - 12:24 PM

I figure it's about time to review this very important seasonal information. :mrgreen:



#46 china cat

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Posted 01 October 2013 - 12:28 PM

I was thinking about this thread last week :lol:



#47 jme

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Posted 01 October 2013 - 12:58 PM

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house.

 

 

YES!!!  :beer:



#48 JBetty

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Posted 01 October 2013 - 01:15 PM

gourdfamilyiStock_000004789611XSmall.jpg



#49 Jersey Thug

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Posted 01 October 2013 - 04:59 PM

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of **** off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

 

:bliss:  :bliss:  :bliss:  :bliss:  :bliss:



#50 hoagie

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Posted 01 October 2013 - 07:37 PM

this thread is like paying taxes.  Every year, I know it's coming, yet I still dread it