"Great Moments is Drunken Hookup Failure" over on Deaspin is prolly the one weekly blog I look forward to more than any other... but really anything that Drew Magary puts together is typically pretty funny.
So my world collided today with the first story today, "Cockblocked by Phish" I haven't posted over here in AGES, but I figure this one is perfect for a return.
---------------------------
Anonymous:
So this one night during my senior year my buddy and I went to a party. After all options were exhausted, we slunked back to my cold Village Cedar apartment. On our way into the building, my buddy and I struck up a conversation with some drunk girls hanging out of a second floor window. One was decent looking, and it was 4:00 a.m., so why not.
When we got in the apartment, the girls were blasting "Farmhouse" by Phish so loud that we had to yell just to make conversation. Somehow, a third girl was asleep in a nearby bedroom. As the song played over and over, my friend and I spit our horrible game. Since I was in a rut, my friend let me take the hot one. We started making out and eventually, the dud went home, and my friend, went back to my apartment and passed out.
After some light petting and nasty makeout sessions (she was a smoker), I went in for the kill. She grabbed a condom and being the drunk asshole that I was - I decided I would make love to her while listening to Phish on repeat even though I didn't know her name. Since this lovely lady was such a nice person, she turned the music up even louder as to not disturb her sleeping friend. As a result, the sleeping roommate came out to yell at us mid-bone. There we were completely nude, on the couch having very bad sex because I barely knew how to use my penis. Sweet. When the roommate went back to bed, my lady friend turned the music up again. Of course, sleeping roommate came out again screaming and yelling. This happened three times which isn't awkward at all when you are completely drunk and have a flaccid penis.
After the third interruption, my lady friend turned the music off and went to apologize to the roommate. I wasn't the kind of guy who gets discouraged easily, so when she came back, I went back to work and nine-to-fived that thing for a few minutes before the girl looked to me and said "Wait, who the fuck are you and why are you inside of me?"
I immediately freaked out because I didn't know she was that drunk and felt like I was taking advantage of her. Still, I was nearly blackout myself, only sober enough to know I had to leave before she called the cops, or another male figure to come kill me. I quickly asked her if she remembered my name or where I lived (the apartment right below her). She said "no." So I told her I was "sorry" and ran out of her apt with my pants and shoes in hand. I ran downstairs to my apartment and burst in the door only to find my buddy waking up from his hour-long nap - ready to get up and go to work. (It was like 6 by this point).
He looked at me carrying my pants, grabbed his keys from the table said "Big Gulps eh? Welp See Ya Later" and walked out the door.
(About three months later my parents were up with my grandma to take me to dinner. They were waiting in the car by the street. As I came out of the apartment complex, that same girl was walking in. It was the only time I ever saw her and she gave me the strangest look. She completely craned her neck. When I got into the car my grandma said "that girl is cute you should go talk to her".)
-------------------------
some more wonderful tales of drunken hookup failure for your review: http://deadspin.com/...locked-by-phish
enjoy!!
Cockbocked by Phish - deadspin'd
Started by
jme
, Feb 25 2011 08:33 PM
3 replies to this topic
