So, I think I already know the answer to this question but I felt I should ask here, for guidance.
This is not about anyone on this board, nor do the parties involved frequent the interwebs.
My friend T, that I have been friends with for the better part of fifteen years has gone down a slippery slope. He has a history that is disastrous. Lost his younger brother in a car chase and his parents were another casualty in a murder/suicide. They were the most prominent of folks in their town. Somehow T got past the cops on that day and saw it all. If I could meet the cop "one" in charge I would bring a fucking baseball bat as he NEVER would have made it past me to witness that shit.
So, I had a dream about him last night where I sat straight up in bed (I think I screamed, know I was definitely crying) and finally went to his cabin today because of it. Last time I felt something like that was over my friend Andy (Ang) and it did not end well.
I have held full permission for the grounds and house from the family forever, so I walked in. Utter disgust. The cabin was in such disarray I could not stay inside. T is (was) the most respectful, dignified person I have met until recently. Talent as the day is long, etc. and so on. Last time I saw him (three months ago) he was skinny and wasted, beyond measure. I talked with him for hours and he cried... a lot, over my sentiments and wishes. He could not believe I was still willing to be his friend.
When I saw what I did today I put the feelers out to "the circle" out here. My best friend Pete delayed his shift at the FDept and met me. He thinks it's time. Tried to lift my spirits about the whole mess but he most certainly lost it when I "wasn't" looking.
So, sorry for the TlDr, couldn't go elsewhere. How do we go about this for intervention purposes? There will be five of us, no more, and certainly NOT any of his "new" friends.
Need a little help in regards to a dear friend...
Started by
KrisNYG
, Aug 13 2012 09:16 PM
47 replies to this topic
#7
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Posted 13 August 2012 - 11:25 PM
Thank you so much, Roo 
. Never did I think I would be typing these words to you. I am beyond proud of you and cannot thank you enough for your words of wisdom. As they say, "with every black cloud comes a silver lining", this time you're the silver. 
. Never did I think I would be typing these words to you. I am beyond proud of you and cannot thank you enough for your words of wisdom. As they say, "with every black cloud comes a silver lining", this time you're the silver.
#8
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Posted 14 August 2012 - 03:59 AM
If T won't be receptive to a counselor being there, I'd at least meet with a counselor to set up a plan or guidelines to follow. Let him know you are doing this out of love.
Good luck, and my best wishes going your way. You are a good friend
Good luck, and my best wishes going your way. You are a good friend
#9
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Posted 14 August 2012 - 04:08 AM
If T won't be receptive to a counselor being there, I'd at least meet with a counselor to set up a plan or guidelines to follow. Let him know you are doing this out of love.
Good luck, and my best wishes going your way. You are a good friend
This. Interventions are tricky and there is a process to follow that is recommended. It would be best to seek out help from an interventionist. I participated in a couple interventions for my ex and without the guidance of a professional, we may not have been able to succeed in getting him to listen...
Best of luck to you Kris. it's a tough, tough thing to go through with someone you love. Remember, you can only try to help but ultimately the choice is up to the addict/alcoholic.
XO
#10
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Posted 14 August 2012 - 02:52 PM
I would definitely seek out an interventionist. If you call a local treatment center, they will recommend an interventionist. Of course, it is going to cost money. If money isn't an issue, get yourself a top quality interventionist.
These guys are real good - Paul Gallant is top in his field http://www.paulgallant.com/
These guys are real good - Paul Gallant is top in his field http://www.paulgallant.com/
#11
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Posted 14 August 2012 - 03:12 PM
Thanks! I'm meeting with his older brother at the end of this week/beginning of next. They have been somewhat estranged for a while (haven't seen each other in 4-5 months) but still on fairly good terms. M and I have always had a ton of respect for one another and he trusts my opinion and motives always. Banned a few people from the property after I had a chat with him, no questions asked.
So, plan now is to for us to head up there (possibly Saturday afternoon) so everyone can assess the situation as many of us have stepped back from the shit show in the past two years. Want to make sure everyone is on the same page and will proceed from there.
You guys are awesome, thank you. XO
So, plan now is to for us to head up there (possibly Saturday afternoon) so everyone can assess the situation as many of us have stepped back from the shit show in the past two years. Want to make sure everyone is on the same page and will proceed from there.
You guys are awesome, thank you. XO
#12
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Posted 14 August 2012 - 05:13 PM
Thank you so much, Roo
wierdo
#14
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Posted 23 August 2012 - 04:24 AM
T has called me three times. Could barely speak due to whatever he was on, and tears, but kept reading the note I left him over and over and over with extra emphasis on the last of the three sentences I wrote, "know that I love you, always". Broke my heart.
Change of plans, I am going in alone... for now. He has always held me in the highest regard and our other friends he can discount, rather quickly at times. I will hold nothing back and absolutely kick his ass if necessary. I am not one to be tangled with in such situations. Wish me luck, most of all him. If he does not listen and an intervention with the "core" does not work, the next time I see him will be at his funeral.
Change of plans, I am going in alone... for now. He has always held me in the highest regard and our other friends he can discount, rather quickly at times. I will hold nothing back and absolutely kick his ass if necessary. I am not one to be tangled with in such situations. Wish me luck, most of all him. If he does not listen and an intervention with the "core" does not work, the next time I see him will be at his funeral.
#24
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Posted 04 September 2012 - 03:55 AM
Felt a follow up was in order, since you guys have helped me so much.
I kidnapped him last night and took him out for some good... great music. We stayed up way too late, and I read him the riot act, he volleyed back and was apologetic after. He gets it, and has admitted he has a problem - a severe one. Time will tell if he lives it. I wish I could write more but this is a public board and I cannot. I will be checking in, severely on him. He's either going to love me more or hate me real soon, I really do not care which occurs at this point. His well being is all that matters to me.
Thank you for your wise words and advice, you all rock.
I kidnapped him last night and took him out for some good... great music. We stayed up way too late, and I read him the riot act, he volleyed back and was apologetic after. He gets it, and has admitted he has a problem - a severe one. Time will tell if he lives it. I wish I could write more but this is a public board and I cannot. I will be checking in, severely on him. He's either going to love me more or hate me real soon, I really do not care which occurs at this point. His well being is all that matters to me.
Thank you for your wise words and advice, you all rock.
#27
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Posted 04 September 2012 - 02:36 PM
Don't know about that, Tim. We'll see. Thank you.
I have to say, I was very surprised at his appearance and attitude and the condition of the cabin. Way better than I expected. I really hope for the best with him, he is an amazing person. After what he has been through in his life he gets more latitude than I would normally allow. I would probably not fair much better after such incidences, actually I am quite certain I wouldn't. He unloaded everything on me, the incident with his parents was in '93 and he still wakes up at night over it. How the hell do you process something like that?
He did say that he views me as his best friend, I remind him of his mom and we are two people he does not want to disappoint. Fingers crossed!
I have to say, I was very surprised at his appearance and attitude and the condition of the cabin. Way better than I expected. I really hope for the best with him, he is an amazing person. After what he has been through in his life he gets more latitude than I would normally allow. I would probably not fair much better after such incidences, actually I am quite certain I wouldn't. He unloaded everything on me, the incident with his parents was in '93 and he still wakes up at night over it. How the hell do you process something like that?
He did say that he views me as his best friend, I remind him of his mom and we are two people he does not want to disappoint. Fingers crossed!
#29
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Posted 06 September 2012 - 04:08 PM
Spanks Thuggie!
Going as his "date" tomorrow for our friend's housewarming. They bought the "estate house" on the property where T grew up. This is where very bad things happened but he is beyond glad that the house is filled with a wonderful family, seems to have taken away the stigma.
Hopefully he will behave, if not I'm gonna throw his ass in the pond!
Thanks again guys.
Going as his "date" tomorrow for our friend's housewarming. They bought the "estate house" on the property where T grew up. This is where very bad things happened but he is beyond glad that the house is filled with a wonderful family, seems to have taken away the stigma.
Hopefully he will behave, if not I'm gonna throw his ass in the pond!
Thanks again guys.
#31
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Posted 07 September 2012 - 06:08 PM
Spanks Thuggie!
Going as his "date" tomorrow for our friend's housewarming. They bought the "estate house" on the property where T grew up. This is where very bad things happened but he is beyond glad that the house is filled with a wonderful family, seems to have taken away the stigma.
Hopefully he will behave, if not I'm gonna throw his ass in the pond!
Thanks again guys.
Gonna sic the attack beavers on him, eh?
#33
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Posted 08 September 2012 - 03:50 PM
Gonna sic the attack beavers on him, eh?
That crazy ass beaver is still there! HUGE! I've named her Wynona.
So, guess who did not get tossed in the pond last night.
Thanks again, I am not naive with this sort of thing but things are looking up, way up. He feels he's almost back and is thankful for his real friends showing up to kick his ass if necessary. Said he especially fears me and my/our friend Donna.
#36
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Posted 10 September 2012 - 11:10 PM
Wynona kind of freaked me out when she came swimming straight at me with a stick in her mouth like she was my bff and we were playing fetch.
Glad to hear T is on the up and up and did not end up in the pond with Wynona.
Yep! That is ONE crazy beaver! 
#37
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Posted 14 September 2012 - 01:10 AM
Just readin this now. You're an awesome person and good friend. Much as we joke, I know you are someone I can lean on - I think everyone here feels the same about you, Kris. Really glad your friend T realizes this about you too, and is allowing you to be a source of support rather than shutting you out. There's always hope.
Keep us posted.
Keep us posted.
#41
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Posted 15 November 2012 - 02:47 AM
Had another bad feeling the other night. Ironically, his neighbor at the other end of the property called me the next morning, needed framing tape. Told him T didn't return my call/text from the night prior (he always calls me back, always) and he brought his wife in today to pick up the tape. They said he's better but I need to go back more frequently. Heard all about my visits and how much they helped. I'm a fucking slacker, it's been about 6+ weeks since I've been, I shoot for 3-4, tops. These folks were the first on the scene prior to the police for the bad stuff. Going to head up for Sunday and we're going to watch some fucking football, dammit! 
#43
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Posted 15 November 2012 - 03:59 PM
Had another bad feeling the other night. Ironically, his neighbor at the other end of the property called me the next morning, needed framing tape. Told him T didn't return my call/text from the night prior (he always calls me back, always) and he brought his wife in today to pick up the tape. They said he's better but I need to go back more frequently. Heard all about my visits and how much they helped. I'm a fucking slacker, it's been about 6+ weeks since I've been, I shoot for 3-4, tops. These folks were the first on the scene prior to the police for the bad stuff. Going to head up for Sunday and we're going to watch some fucking football, dammit!
Please don't be hard on yourself. People who have the kinda problems you're talking about are responsible for the choices they make.
By all means, be a part of his life...be a friend...but his success doesn't rest on your shoulders. It rests on his.
#44
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Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:28 PM
Please don't be hard on yourself. People who have the kinda problems you're talking about are responsible for the choices they make.
By all means, be a part of his life...be a friend...but his success doesn't rest on your shoulders. It rests on his.
yup
you are a terrific friend, K. but if this experience turns you all mushy and codependent, i will personally kick this guy's ass. right after i TRY to kick yours
#45
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Posted 16 November 2012 - 12:10 AM
yup
right after i TRY to kick yours
No worries T and J.
I made a promise and I have slacked on it time wise. He doesn't know it but I do! I never give my word lightly. So this Sunday it will be a lot of ball throwing for the pups, ribs, and football! I also hope to light a few pits on fire.
#47
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Posted 16 November 2012 - 12:39 AM
Please don't be hard on yourself. People who have the kinda problems you're talking about are responsible for the choices they make.
By all means, be a part of his life...be a friend...but his success doesn't rest on your shoulders. It rests on his.
This. Keeping him company and doing positive things is good stuff. The overall problem can only be solved by him.
I spent years 'saving' my ex from himself....eventually I realized that only he could same himself. Not saying that you should not stay in touch and hang out, just saying that you are not more powerful than his addiction....
