17 replies to this topic

[TEO]

WTF, makes them think that 10 years or so down the road of their sobriety that they are still not argumentative and unpleasant drunks?

It starts with one, then a couple, then next thing you know they have become someone with whom you do not want to speak, much less spend time.

What to do? Express my feelings on this? If yes in what manner? Or hold my tongue and fade away?


I haven't had to deal with this type of situation in at least 15 - 20 years and find myself torn with how to proceed.

[In A Silent Way]

I think the standard advice is "detach with love."

[TEO]

Thank you

[Erinisme]

are they back to drinking full time? back to full blown alcoholic?

If they only drink every once in a while...maybe tell them that you only want to see them when they're sober? In a much nicer way of course.

I'm sorry that sucks.

I've actually known a few people who were bad drunks and went the sobriety route go back to drinking when they're older and handle it totally different. Let's say one was a vodka drunk in his/her drinking years and now will have 2-3 glasses of wine with dinner. They won't go back to hard liquor or even really ever get loaded, jsut a few glasses to unwind and enjoy with a meal or friends.

[Karen]

I think the standard advice is "detach with love."

This

[TEO]

Starting to get a grip, of course this part is about me, and I need to remember: There is no "wrong" way to do this. So peace, and let go.

[TEO]

"What does another person's mood, tone of voice, state of inebriation have to do with my course of action? Nothing, unless I decide otherwise.

For example, I have learned that arguing with someone who is intoxicated is like beating my head against a brick wall. Yet, until recently, I would always dive right into the arguments, because that was what the other person seemed to want. In Al-Anon I discovered that I don't have to react just because I have been provoked, and that I don't have to take harsh words to heart. I can remember that they are coming from someone who may be in pain, and try to show a little compassion. I certainly don't have to allow them to provoke me into doing anything I don't want to do.

Today's Reminder
Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do, say, or feel to determine my own well-being or to make my decisions.

[Tim the Beek]

I think the standard advice is "detach with love."

Wisdom.

[SpeedwayBoogie]

A lot of people in recovery stop learning at some point. This is a dangerous place to be. There are markers where it commonly happens; five years, ten years, etc. Sometimes I come across the angry, bitter, recovering friend and ask them if they are still 'not drinking'? When they reply 'yes' I inform them that maybe they should start again because they were more pleasant before.
This is met with various reactions, but the point is usually made clear. If that fails, I physically pull them aside when they piss off someone else and tell them, directly, that they need to do some work on themselves before they lose what they have.
I believe it's an obligation to try to help before I detach. People are always asking for help, they just do it in different ways.

[TEO]

Thank you very much for that perspective, SpeedwayBoogie.

[roo]

more details as in are they not drinking or picked up again specificly?

[TEO]

Picked it up again, first one, then a couple, then more and more...

[In A Silent Way]

At the punch bowl's brink
Let the thirsty think
What they say in Japan:
First the man takes a drink
Then the drink takes a drink
Then the drink takes the man

[roo]

Picked it up again, first one, then a couple, then more and more...

ahh.. yeah i'm not sure what to say. i think the best piece of advice has already been given.

[Tim the Beek]

My advice...gently express your concerns, and then detach with love.

[TEO]

Thank you all, that is my plan: out of love and compassion express my concerns.
Then let the chips fall where they may as it is not my purpose to tell anyone else how to live or die.

[In A Silent Way]

And remember, when all else fails, kick 'm in the clackers.

[TEO]