View Full Version : Dealing with expectations
safireblues
03-27-2009, 12:05 PM
Hi! I'm having a rough day, primarily because of my Mother-in-law. Shocker.
Here's the thing: I'm 34 (just turned), been married over 4 years (very happily), I work full time, I'm looking to start a business, hubby works full time and takes extremely difficult master's classes. I really like our life, we live in the city now, we have tons of fun together.
For the first time in my life, I feel like my own person. I'm not taking care of my dad's 5 kids, I'm not stuck in my parents drama, I'm not working for my family.
I'm happy.
But my husband's whole side of the family and his mom specifically seems downright angry that we don't have kids. His mom said last night that we "lived like adolescents" and constantly says we're part of the "me" generation. In other words: selfish.
Thing is, I don't know if I ever want kids. I figure I'll know when and if I do, and if it's "too late", then I'll adopt. I feel like I'm ok with that, and that my hubby is ok with that, but I feel judged by people (not just his mom, but other parents) for not wanting to have kids.
I'm sure other women here deal with this issue--how do you keep it from getting to you? Should I just punch everyone?
Nevrmore
03-27-2009, 12:18 PM
I tell people that if they want kids to play with, to have their own.
I'm also good at telling people to mind their own fucking business
:lol: u could punch everyone orrrr just keep reaffirming to yourself that you are doing the best for YOU. And having a kid is not or may never be right for you and that’s more than ok. Next time your mom in law or anyone else lays into you just say (very politely) that by choosing not have kids is the least selfish thing you can do cause you know you’re not able to be the best mother you can be cause its not what you want. And be like Im sorry this upsets you but its who I am and Im not apologizing for it
musicmomma
03-27-2009, 12:20 PM
i have 3 kids already and people STILL ask when i'm gonna have more... it won't change. :undecided:
Rionach aka Spec K
03-27-2009, 12:21 PM
It's your life, not theirs. You can't live your life to please others.
My mom was really really upset when I split from my ex-hubby (actually a lot of people were and I delayed splitting from him for too long because I knew the reaction I'd get). After dealing with all that disappointment etc. I just started saying to people "well, if you think he's so great, you can marry him!" Seemed to do the trick.
syd_25
03-27-2009, 12:25 PM
Ask your MIL is she is planning to have more kids. If not, offer her a big ol' glass of shut the hell up.
(covering crotch and running out of the room.)
safireblues
03-27-2009, 12:33 PM
i have 3 kids already and people STILL ask when i'm gonna have more... it won't change. :undecided:
That's what I was thinking, I guess it never ends.
My stepmom with 5 kids thinks anyone with less than 5 kids has it easy.
Why must everyone be poking at everyone else. If you want kids, have them. If you don't, don't.
musicmomma
03-27-2009, 12:35 PM
just gently remind people that it is YOUR body, YOUR decision. i used to feel the urge to have more but recently have felt indifferent. i'm not sure i'm done but i'm really not sure i want any more, lol. seriously though, is 3 not enough? i only have 2 arms. :huh:
little frog
03-27-2009, 12:46 PM
i would also (as politely as possible, and we call know how good i am at that!) tell her that it's rude to inquire about the parenting prospects of other people. if she wants children to play with she should adopt one.
bsktcase
03-27-2009, 01:07 PM
:lol: u could punch everyone orrrr just keep reaffirming to yourself that you are doing the best for YOU. And having a kid is not or may never be right for you and that’s more than ok. Next time your mom in law or anyone else lays into you just say (very politely) that by choosing not have kids is the least selfish thing you can do cause you know you’re not able to be the best mother you can be cause its not what you want. And be like Im sorry this upsets you but its who I am and Im not apologizing for it
I also agree with the comment, "If you want kids, have some of your own".
If you and your hubby are happy then that's all that matters. You live your life for yourselves, not to fulfill anyone ELSE's dreams.
When I was with my ex, my mother mentioned that she would like to have grandchildren someday..'hint, hint'. I asked her if she was willing to quit her job to look after these 'grandchildren' all day while I worked or if she was going to pay for daycare. She laughed.
Some people don't want kids ever, some can't wait to have them....some aren't sure either way. For me, I'll wait until I KNOW I want children before I even THINK of getting pregnant. I certainly don't want to raise a child with resentment, sadness or regret. That would be a horrible environment for a child to grow up in.
sarah b.
03-28-2009, 07:32 AM
:heart: one of the reasons I broke off my engagement was his mother was foaming at the mouth for grandchildren, he didn't have my back enough to tell her to stfu, and I have medical concerns that need to be looked into before/if I have kids. And I'd love to be a biomom, one day (with the right husbandy-type guy), if I can do it without passing on a chronic genetic illness. but neither of us was ready to have kids, 7+ years ago, when this was happening. i'm not saying Andy doesn't have your back, and there will always be people who ask questions re: your family planning plans. I agree that people who want little kids to play with should not try to make child-bearing anyone else's responsibility.
Posted via Mobile Device Powered By Terrapin
Elphaba
03-28-2009, 08:10 AM
why don't you just giggle at her and say, "if you're lucky i might accidentally get pregnant!"
:lol:
twirly jill
03-28-2009, 10:19 AM
I tell people that if they want kids to play with, to have their own.
I'm also good at telling people to mind their own fucking business
:clapping:
Sunshower
03-28-2009, 10:58 AM
why don't you just giggle at her and say, "if you're lucky i might accidentally get pregnant!"
:lol:
I really like this reply! There is STILL such a stigma with childless couples. Damn, wonder if it will EVER change?! YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR choice!
it's funny, but i have one kid and NO ONE asks me if i'll have another. it's gotta be a married thing :lol:
Tell your MIL that you two ARE selfish people. and ask her if she thinks 2 selfish people would be good parents for a child.
and then tell her to mind her own business and speak to a therapist.
safireblues
03-29-2009, 02:51 PM
we are thinking of trying later this year but now that she's bugging me, I'm not.
heh. kidding.
we are thinking of trying later this year but now that she's bugging me, I'm not.
heh. kidding.
THAT is what you should say! :lol:
vinandtonic
03-29-2009, 04:43 PM
Since we got married, we get the "so when are you going to have kids" question a lot...I think it's rude and nosy, so I say "we aren't" and leave it at that...if they ask more then I pull out the "I can't have kids", which usually shuts them up. :lol:
I knew a long long time ago I didn't want to have any...if that makes us selfish, then so be it.
Wende
03-30-2009, 08:46 AM
Why is it rude and nosey? It's a normal curiosity. Don't be offended by it, just tell them you are not having kids.
Usually marriage and kids go hand n hand, at least that's the way it has been for thousands of years.
Wende
03-30-2009, 08:48 AM
I think it's a very non selfish thing to do, not bringing kids into this world right now. Kudos to you for that.
Drop_o_Rain
03-30-2009, 08:48 AM
Burst into tears and tell her that maybe you have been trying and that the extra pressure from her is sure to be the reason that you aren't pregnant and then thank her for ruining your dreams.
HA.
bitch... she should mind her own business.
KindGeeGirl
03-30-2009, 09:50 AM
People who don't have kids should feel better about themselves and not worse. Kids are not for everyone and has anyone looked at the exploding population recently. We should start having kids for a reason and not look at kids as a reason for living.
FUCK THEM!!! Tell them your trying to get your husband pregnant and will be in touch if there is any success ;)
I've been getting upset with the amount of people who ask me this so early in a relationship and the people who think I should get fixed. Even when you already have kids you still have to deal with people who should mind their own business.
Good luck if you do try to have kids :heart: If not have fun and borrow other peoples. There are plenty around that we can share :heart:
lost-in-boston
03-30-2009, 11:48 AM
For the first time in my life, I feel like my own person. I'm not taking care of my dad's 5 kids, I'm not stuck in my parents drama, I'm not working for my family.
I'm happy.
The above is all that matters Kate.
You've come a long long way to get to "you" and be happy where you are. It seems that right now in your lives you guys are happy and things work.
If he isn't worried about you not having children, then honey, fuck em all.
Tell them to mind their fucking business and go harp on someone else.
I dont do well living MY life for another person. My mother wanted me to be a teacher, so I started my pre nursing classes out of spite. (yes I'm a spiteful bitch), but where does it say anywhere that we are supposed to do certain things to keep other people in our lives, who live their own lives quite well, happy??
Read again and again what I quoted from what you wrote.
My dad remarried 16 years ago. He and his wife never had more kids. My dad has me, and I have a step mother who is one of my most best friends. She never wanted her own kid, and never wanted to be my "mom" she's just not the "mom" type.
Differences make the world spin round darlin.
YOU are happy, thats all that should ever matter (well and the man's happiness too but I have a feeling that when you're happy, he's happy). :wink:
vinandtonic
03-30-2009, 07:28 PM
Why is it rude and nosey? It's a normal curiosity. Don't be offended by it, just tell them you are not having kids.
Usually marriage and kids go hand n hand, at least that's the way it has been for thousands of years.
I'm not offended, it's just none of anyone's business. I would never ask anyone if/when they were going to have kids. It's a touchy subject for a lot of people, especially those who can't have kids (not for me, but for others who want to have them but can't).
Wende
03-30-2009, 10:12 PM
Very true.
Patchoulia
03-31-2009, 12:38 PM
Even worse: When you say, "I don't want kids" or whatever and they take it upon themselves to try to convince how big a mistake that is...grrrr....that's REALLY no one else's business..and, yes, people do this..and not just family/close friends, either.
Even worse: When you say, "I don't want kids" or whatever and they take it upon themselves to try to convince how big a mistake that is...grrrr....that's REALLY no one else's business..and, yes, people do this..and not just family/close friends, either.
i get that sometimes when i tell people i'm vegetarian. (they try to convince me to eat meat :lol: )
Patchoulia
03-31-2009, 01:11 PM
i get that sometimes when i tell people i'm vegetarian. (they try to convince me to eat meat :lol: )
Ditto.
It's like some people take our choices as an insult to their choices and the only way to appease their own insecurities is to try to convince everyone to be exactly like them.
What a boring world that would be...
Jersey Thug
03-31-2009, 01:17 PM
it's rude and nosey because it doesn't stop at one question, like EVER.
and because it's a sensitive subject for a lot of women, and the real answers are rarely for public consumption.
and because it just is.
safireblues
03-31-2009, 04:57 PM
I wanted to thank you all for your honesty and opinions--especially Lost in Boston-your post really moved me.
I'm gonna lesbo kiss you now if I meet you.
Mama Kel
04-01-2009, 08:41 PM
i have 3 kids already and people STILL ask when i'm gonna have more... it won't change. :undecided:
Q4T! I have 2 & people tell me to have more. I ask them if they'll be coming over for the middle of the night feedings & paying for college.
I would say something like "do you really want me to bring unwanted grandchildren into the world?" but i'm bitchy like that :funny1:
vBulletin® v3.7.4, Copyright ©2000-2012, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.