friends with benefits

[SunshineDaydream]

And he's not just any guy...this is someone I've known for 10+ years and a person I call my best friend..until I realized the line between friend and something more had become blurred beyond recognition..I used to not care so much and then one day I was like "Whoaaa why are you letting him affect you so much all of a sudden?" I think I'm starting to go soft the older I get, and feel waaaay more vulnerable which is VERY new to me and I cant exactly say I'm a fan.

Ok. Wondering/in need of some advice from those who have been there/done that, what worked for you vs what didnt. Obviously I know every pair of people are different and bring their own rules to this kind of 'relation'ship..but I'm dealing with the fallout of inconvenient feelings that refuse to go away (on my part, not his of course :rolleyes:). Specifically when you know you want to keep that person in your life as a friend, but what to do when those nasty feelings of jealousy or resentment surface after you decide the 'benefits' part needs to be cut off but for whatever reason, you both just cant seem to stick to it?? :huh:

[jemita]

oh ive been there, and well he was still himself, doin what he wanted, when he wanted, and i just got more and more angry.... so angry that anything he did pissed me off. i eventually cut him out of my life, it hurt but my hurting, my healing and moving on was more important.

i recently just saw him, and it sucked balls.

focus on your other amazing friends. i know you have them.

what do you think you can do? that you will be happy with?

im so sorry mama.

[Jersey Thug]

first, thank you so much for your help Friday night :)

and from my experience, as soon as inconvenient feelings start popping up on either side, if they aren't reciprocated it's time for BOTH people to realize that they're only going to ruin the friendship if they keep falling into the "benefits" part blindly. and then stick with it. if you can't, you probably need to put a whole lot of distance between you, or sit down and ask yourselves why you can't seem to quit each other.

but if only one of you wants that conversation, that may be a painful experience. i'd go with distance, personally, and hope that time brings clarity to the situation.

i'm sorry you're hurting! :kissing: if there was never any expectation of exclusivity but anger and resentment pop up anyway, it might be a good time to reflect on what you really want and need from a physical relationship, and stick with that no matter how tempting it might be to do otherwise. for your sake especially, but also for the sake of those you become involved with. :heart:

[SunshineDaydream]

(((Jema & JT)))
Thanks..you two are always sooo good with the words! :heart:
And on a day after he broke my favorite glass piece with lots of sentimental value AND it was the 20th anniversary of my dad's passing...I came to work today feeling more than overwhelmed about things.
I know deep down what I need to do, but its just easier with lots AND lots of positive reinforcement.

Jennie-next time you're up way my way you should totally stop by ... hope you had fun once you reached your destination! :)

[Jersey Thug]

it's easy to get overwhelmed by unexpected feelings, but what really matters is how you both proceed now that you know "what if". now that you're more aware, hopefully it will get easier to safeguard your feelings. 10+ years of friendship and best-ness...that's something worth protecting, even from yourselves, you know? i'm sure he didn't expect this, either. we never do! so unless he's being completely douchetastic, try to give him a little leeway too. remember that 10 years is a lot of history and proceed with caution. :kissing:

and i would LOVE to hang out sometime, when i'm not running hours late for a bachelor party of course :lol: that was a really nice drive, though. MUCH better than taking the turnpike-> cross bronx :happyhappy: and yes, the bachelor party, wedding and aftermath were all a really good time thanks!

[sarah b.]

:heart:

there are a couple of guy friends with whom I won't be alone in a room anymore, 'cause there's lots of chemistry and we're heterosexual and human. it's almost magnetic. and in both cases, I know it's not right. in both cases, I miss the hanging out part, but I think they both know i'm always there for them as a friend (and if anyone else is around), I just want to keep my clothes on.
Posted via Mobile Device Powered By Terrapin

[lost-in-boston]

wow...
been there
lived that...
you have PM :wink:

[little frog]

i know ppl seem confused by my 'lover' thing .. but this is the exact reason i do not have friends with benefits and prefer lovers instead. fwb is way too uncertain and about 75% to 80% of the time it ruins a perfectly good friendship with unexpected complications.

[SunshineDaydream]

And add to the complications if he is one of your roommates...:undecided:

I gave notice on Saturday to all my housemates I intend to be out by the end of April, but after he had a girl spend the night last night (who he knows bc she first came to our house in Nov as a guest of another roomie, then ended up hooking up with my FWB's old roommate who was in town visiting around the holidays & now I guess she's decided to like him) I am really thinking about getting all of my shit out of there this weekend. I've said to him for months I didnt want a front row seat for any of that shit, and now here we are...

I cant wait to have my own space again.

[Luna]

And add to the complications if he is one of your roommates...:undecided:

I gave notice on Saturday to all my housemates I intend to be out by the end of April, but after he had a girl spend the night last night (who he knows bc she first came to our house in Nov as a guest of another roomie, then ended up hooking up with my FWB's old roommate who was in town visiting around the holidays & now I guess she's decided to like him) I am really thinking about getting all of my shit out of there this weekend. I've said to him for months I didnt want a front row seat for any of that shit, and now here we are...

I cant wait to have my own space again.

:heart: sorry to hear that hun!

People can be very selfish sometimes-- hope you find someone more deserving of you in the future. And maybe someday you two will be able to be friends again

[HoopsTer]

And add to the complications if he is one of your roommates...:undecided:

I gave notice on Saturday to all my housemates I intend to be out by the end of April, but after he had a girl spend the night last night (who he knows bc she first came to our house in Nov as a guest of another roomie, then ended up hooking up with my FWB's old roommate who was in town visiting around the holidays & now I guess she's decided to like him) I am really thinking about getting all of my shit out of there this weekend. I've said to him for months I didnt want a front row seat for any of that shit, and now here we are...

I cant wait to have my own space again.

LoveLoVeLOvE!!! :heart:

[little frog]

ugh .. i'd be running out the door.

[lost-in-boston]

And add to the complications if he is one of your roommates...:undecided:

I gave notice on Saturday to all my housemates I intend to be out by the end of April, but after he had a girl spend the night last night (who he knows bc she first came to our house in Nov as a guest of another roomie, then ended up hooking up with my FWB's old roommate who was in town visiting around the holidays & now I guess she's decided to like him) I am really thinking about getting all of my shit out of there this weekend. I've said to him for months I didnt want a front row seat for any of that shit, and now here we are...

I cant wait to have my own space again.

in light of this information, I'd be out this weekend.
No fucking way is someone, let alone a best friend, going to disrespect my wishes.
the one thing I dont tolerate, is throwing something in someone else's face. Its mean, its cruel and its unnecessary.
I'm so sorry honey.
This Friday at the pony there is a Solar Circus show that we're all heading down to, if you need to be around the Jersey Shore family and dance your hurt away. I'd love to see you :heart: :heart: :heart:
you can drive to my house and travel in w/ us if you like.

[vinandtonic]

:heart:

[Jersey Thug]

focus your energy on getting out of there, as it's obviously not a comfortable situation for you to be in. :heart: :heart: :heart:

am i missing something, though? unless you're currently in a monogamous relationship you don't have a say in who else he sees or whether he brings them home - it sucks, but that's what FWB means. no expectations beyond friendship and sex on occasion. he should never have implied that you would have some say, if he did. it's his home, too.

that does NOT mean i'm unsympathetic. i am. but i would think long & hard about throwing away a friendship of 10 years, especially if he's truly your best friend, because you developed unexpected feelings and he didn't reciprocate, or something along those lines. unless you think he's the one (in which case yeah, cut and run) you'll find someone new in no time, but you'll still be out a best friend if you hold on to that anger and let it fester. i lost a friend that way once and if i could go back and do it differently, i would. i miss the friendship a whole lot more than the 'benefits', such as they were.

again, i hope that i don't come off as unfeeling or unsympathetic. i just know that sometimes a different perspective can help. if this isn't one of those times and i'm overstepping, i do apologize - i'm not trying to add to your hurt in any way. :heart:

[SunshineDaydream]

No worries JT-he said much of the same, not quite put as eloquently as you :wink:...
I didnt realize how hurt I'd be until it actually happened. We had a 'talk' about 2 months ago where I shared how I was feeling like I was in too deep and I would've left at the end of Feb, except that I chose to stay so I didnt leave on bad terms with him and we could begin healing the friendship, which really does mean the world to me (this is someone who--even before we became housemates a year ago--I was spending LOTS of my free time with). However, my feelings didnt wash away as easily or quickly as I would've liked. I knew back then the best thing to save the friendship was to not share a home anymore--its too intimate & personal with so many memories...and now I just know that me leaving will be whats best for us both-I can begin to get over all this and he can just do him without the fallout of my hurt feelings in his face.

[Sunshower]

I know ALL too well, how difficult this can be, Honey. I am going through some shit that should have been done and over with MONTHS ago. I can tell you this tho, I will NEVER put myself in this position again. EVER! Follow your feelings and be STRONG. That is the MOST important thing. I am sending you loving and healing, soothing vibes!:heart::heart::heart:

[jemita]

he is stupid to let you go.

thats all im gonna say:heart:

[HoopsTer]

he is stupid to let you go.

thats all im gonna say:heart:

I will echo this.

[Sunshower]

I must THIRD that!:wink:

[SunshineDaydream]

Well he's been off on a road trip to Florida with her this whole week (yes thats right, they've been hanging out for just over a week and are now vacationing together :lol:) so I'm grateful for his absence to clear out of the house..last night was my 1st one home since Sunday and I spent most of it packing. It felt good to clear out the kitchen of all MY things.

Sunday is officially moving day. I feel like I'm starting a new chapter. And I'm happy about that. :)

[HoopsTer]

Im excited you're coming down tonight :)

[jemita]

happy for new chapters!!

[Ginger Snap]

i know ppl seem confused by my 'lover' thing .. but this is the exact reason i do not have friends with benefits and prefer lovers instead. fwb is way too uncertain and about 75% to 80% of the time it ruins a perfectly good friendship with unexpected complications.


Could you elaborate, this is interesting. What is the difference?

[little frog]

the first HUGE difference is i don't generally pick lovers out of my friend pool .. lovers are all potential romantic partners. of course they can become friends as well and they usually do, but within the lover relationship. does that makes sense?

so i don't go to a good friend and say, let's fuck! i meet a man who could be a potential romantic partner, and for whatever reason it is not reasonable for us to be exclusive (distance, time etc) and so we become lovers, and i do just bring it up just like that. 'would you like to be my lover?'

so as a lover .. we get together for weekends/outings etc and the time we spend together is very much like a long date or bf/gf time including affection, hand holding, sex, cuddling, long talks, cooking dinner together, long walks, seeing shows .. etc. when we are not with each other we are just regular single ppl.

[Ginger Snap]

How is there a distinction between your friend pool and your lover pool?

[little frog]

my friends are just that, friends. ppl i've known a while that i've developed a strong friend relationship with.

potential lovers are men i flirt with, men i meet that are interested in me romantically or sexually. if i become close friends with a man first he will most likely never be considered for a lover relationship because i don't mess with my friendships.

i also do not do one night stand type of deals. if i meet a guy who just wants sex, he's out the door. i'm not a truck/fuck stop ;)

[Ginger Snap]

Do you introduce them as your lover if that is what they are?

[Ginger Snap]

So you don't sleep with your friends. And this is likely a dumb question, but do your lovers become just friends?

[little frog]

if we do happen to go out to shows where there are ppl i might know i just introduce them by name .. i leave affiliation out of it.

many times my lovers become good friends as well but their main place in my life is as a lover and as lovers .. we do tend to love each other and share affection, but generally are not 'in love' .. does that make sense?

[Ginger Snap]

Yup. :smile:

Do your lovers ever cross paths?

[little frog]

no .. most of my lover time is spent alone with my lovers .. plus i am a discrete lover, mostly my affiliations are private. (disclaimer, not secret, just private .. and i never take on a lover that is already in a serious relationship .. i hate cheaters)

[Ginger Snap]

Sounds all very uncomplicated.

[little frog]

that is the bottom line. affection, sex, intimacy, companionship and friendship without complication. i have just not been in a place where i want or can handle the complications of a full time relationship. this is the perfect alternative and i don't fuck with my friendships to get it.

[Spiffy]

it was so good to see you this weekend :)

[lost-in-boston]

Jami, I hope you had some good healing time down here w/ us.
Was so fun hanging out w/ you...it needs to happen more frequently :) :heart:
xoxo

[Jersey Thug]

((((real life hugs))))

it was SO good to see you. :heart:

[HoopsTer]

YES!
Girl time this weekend was fabulous :)

[SunshineDaydream]

(((LiB, HoopsTer, Spiffy)))
Thank u ladies for some VERY necessary girl time, it was JUST what I needed...:heart:
I see more Reddletown visits in the near future for sure & next time I know I'll be waaaaay more myself so look out :devil: :wink:

[SunshineDaydream]

((((real life hugs))))

it was SO good to see you. :heart:

Woman your hugs are seriously some of the best ones around...it had been WAY too long since our last twirl! :heart:

[Jersey Thug]

hopefully we won't have to wait quite so long for the next one! :)

[Spiffy]

(((LiB, HoopsTer, Spiffy)))
Thank u ladies for some VERY necessary girl time, it was JUST what I needed...:heart:
I see more Reddletown visits in the near future for sure & next time I know I'll be waaaaay more myself so look out :devil: :wink:

are you coming to GTS Wednesday? please say yes!

[SunshineDaydream]

My friend is coming down from Syracuse tomorrow late afternoon sometime. I threw the idea out to her (didnt let her know about the midnight start heh heh..that can come tomorrow :funny1: ) and she seems down. She always hears about these "hippie" exploits & shenanigans of mine and I told her, "well now you can come see for yourself!" :jumping:

Right now I'd say I'm 85% sure we are there :jam:

[Spiffy]

yessss! Oh I hope we see you. TRONtourage in da hizzouse! (yeah, what, I try :funny1:)

[SunshineDaydream]

Little update...So I've been moved out for 2 weeks. Life is SO different now, and I have to say I'm sleeping MUCH better and am way happier overall :) We havent communicated at all since he got back from the vacay with the new chick when he texted to say he thought I was leaving him pots and pans (um excuse me? a $200 emeril 12pc set that I bought for myself as a 'yay you're a big girl now' reward which he hardly ever used? dont thiiiiink so!) And if that was all he had to say about me being moved out, I had nothing nice to say back...so I just said nothing.

I've been doing ok with the transition, missing him everyday but knowing space and time (and awesome friends to keep me busy :heart:) is the only thing that will eventually heal this. Not gonna lie, it hurt when I wished him and his fam a happy easter yesterday and never got a response. I'd usually end up there after dinner on holidays...

I look forward to the day when he and I can be just friends again. But I get the feeling it'll be awhile before both of us are ready for that.

[HoopsTer]

:heart:

[jemita]

Not gonna lie, it hurt when I wished him and his fam a happy easter yesterday and never got a response. I'd usually end up there after dinner on holidays...

.

im sure it hurt him too mama....maybe not replying is his way of dealing with losing you.

but what a dick for just askin for pots and pans... douche.

[little frog]

:heart: onward

[Spiffy]

I've been doing ok with the transition, missing him everyday but knowing space and time (and awesome friends to keep me busy :heart:) is the only thing that will eventually heal this.

I look forward to the day when he and I can be just friends again. But I get the feeling it'll be awhile before both of us are ready for that.

I know exactly how you feel. It really sucks, but it gets better with time. Just keep ignoring him...eventually you'll start to realize how much happier you are without him in your life. Talk/think about all the negative things, it'll start to dissipate the red filter you've had over your eyes.
If you ever want to talk, I'm here. You've got my number!

[Luna]

:heart: