ending a long term toxic friendship

[little frog]

sucks .. sometimes you just don't realize you're in a toxic friendship .. until the name calling starts. :undecided:

[Patchoulia]

I still cherish my "Arrogant pretentious bitch" moniker bestowed upon by one such "friend" lo so many years ago....good times...

Sorry, I know it sucks the balls. It's often harder to "break up" with a friend than an S.O.

[Drop_o_Rain]

name calling?? sheesh.

and julia....................... never mind. ;)

[Patchoulia]

and julia....................... never mind. ;)

*flutters eyelashes innocently*

[little frog]

for years (since high school) he's always been critical of my lifestyle and my friends and my .. uumm .. freeness :)

i took it as caring concern, but lately it's much more selfish and mean. i'm now a sneaky selfish liar because last year he saw me three whole times and during none of those times did i give him details about other men in my life. uumm .. we aren't even dating and you want details about my private life?? and if i don't disclose them i'm sneaky? and selfish? huh??

ok .. i like to let manipulative people manipulate themselves right out the fucking door. bye!!!

[TEO]

Congratulations! Now there will be more space in your life for beneficial relationships. :heart:

[little frog]

i wish i were an arrogant pretentious bitch .. wait .. nevermind :)

[little frog]

Congratulations! Now there will be more space in your life for beneficial relationships. :geart:

clearing the air :clapping:

[Patchoulia]

Well, this was a somewhat prescient thread...I got a message on Facebook today from a toxic friend whom I cut off well over a decade ago...(she's not a Facebook "friend" but you can still send messages to people).

My pseudo-mom (who still lives in my hometown, along with this person's parents) saw her recently and made her promise that she'd get in touch with me--this, even though I've strongly reiterated to my pseudo-mom, over the years, that I want NOTHING to do with this person, she doesn't hear me (I'll deal with her later).

Anyway.

I'd like to take the high road here, if I was able to identify a high road and if there was a way to take that high road and still never have to communicate with her ever again.

[little frog]

the high road in a toxic situation (to me) is not punching anyone :) .. talking is out of the question because i can assure you, i'll make the situation worse .. i have no filter

[Patchoulia]

I don't harbour any bitterness....but I haven't forgotten her assholish ways and I want no part of experiencing HER--now or ever. I don't know why people can't understand that.

[TEO]

I don't harbour any bitterness....but I haven't forgotten her assholish ways and I want no part of experiencing HER--now or ever. I don't know why people can't understand that.

Some people hold their rainbows in, rather than fart them.
(((rainbow constipation)))

[Patchoulia]

Some people hold their rainbows in, rather than fart them.
(((rainbow constipation)))

I can honestly say that I have no idea what this piece of profundity means.

My brain must be clogged..with rainbow gas, probably...

[little frog]

I don't harbour any bitterness....but I haven't forgotten her assholish ways and I want no part of experiencing HER--now or ever. I don't know why people can't understand that.

my best friend for many years (a different one than mentioned above) grew more and more bitter and mean over the years. i don't hate her, but why would i want that negative nastiness in my life?

i'd be annoyed if anyone suggested she contact me .. no thanks, unless she's just back from tibet with some profound new understanding of life in general.

[Patchoulia]

I've known this girl since we were kids.

We became really good friends in high school, went to the same university (even lived together one year). She has never changed..she has always been super condescending and really superior and, basically, a back-stabbing cunt.

Once I came to realize all this (these traits weren't immediately recognizable for what they were...not always easy to see clearly when you're in the middle of something) and that she was NOT a good influence in my life, I cut off contact with her.

And I was better for it. :)

But, hey, maybe she's been to Tibet? Hahahaha. Not likely.

[little frog]

question #1: sooo .. been to tibet lately? no? i have to run, i have a meeting .. a really long meeting

[Patchoulia]

question #1: sooo .. been to tibet lately? no? i have to run, i have a meeting .. a really long meeting

:funny1:

Excellent. I'm writing that down.

[Jersey Thug]

Tibet.

< jots that down >

i hate long goodbyes. i've learned, finally, to just duck out and BE the bad guy if need be to get someone toxic out of my life once and for all.

[little frog]

right, i have no problem being the bad guy. and i usually steer the (usually abusive) conversation right to ending the 'friendship' .. as in "if i'm such a bitch why would you want to be friends with me?"

then they say something totally snarky like, "i didn't even know you were like this"

haha .. me: well, now you know :rose: :devil: :V:

[lil pixi]

I had to do this last summer, after 20 + years.

It actually wasn't that hard at all when I realized how bad the person was & how bad of an influence they were on me.

[TEO]

Saving as a reminder.

[china cat]

I ended the most toxic relationship I've ever had - the one with myself - she was really nasty to me...name calling, put downs...

I kicked her out. I like me, now. We get along great :mrgreen:

[TEO]

Awesome, china cat! :clapping:

[Karen]

I ended the most toxic relationship I've ever had - the one with myself - she was really nasty to me...name calling, put downs...

I kicked her out. I like me, now. We get along great :mrgreen:


:clapping: :clapping: Well done!

[sarah b.]

nice bump. I just got something new from this.

[TEO]

I have to wonder at times, how much I must dislike myself to put up with toxic relationships for so long.

"It's my life, it's now or never, I anin't gonna live forever..." Yeah, time to live for me, rather than to caretake others. :jamguy:

[jen s]

I have to wonder at times, how much I must dislike myself to put up with toxic relationships for so long.

"It's my life, it's now or never, I anin't gonna live forever..." Yeah, time to live for me, rather than to caretake others. :jamguy:


I suspect its guilt.

[china cat]

I have to wonder at times, how much I must dislike myself to put up with toxic relationships for so long.



exactly. seems that when we're no longer carrying toxins internally, we lose the external toxins as well :heart:

we often don't make a conscious connection between our own self worth and allowing ourselves to be treated poorly. We instead couch it in, we're "trying to be nice," we're "trying to be patient," we're "trying to help someone else."

that means we are taking care of them before taking care of ourselves. then, we're not really loving ourselves, right? isn't an essential part of loving ourselves creating loving boundaries?

i no longer want any part of co-dependency. if part of making you happy means i become unhappy, it ain't gonna work. if part of being with you means putting up with unacceptable behavior, it ain't gonna work. if part of being with you means i will be talked to and treated in ways that do not reveal love and respect, it ain't gonna work. and if i'm not expecting as much from you as i expect of myself, it ain't gonna work.

[TEO]

Well said China Cat!

Jen S, there is some of that as well, but it is guilt that has no basis in reality.

[jen s]

Well said China Cat!

Jen S, there is some of that as well, but it is guilt that has no basis in reality.

Guilt, like jealousy, useless emotion. No rational explanation for its existence....however, probably the reason I have stayed in many "toxic" relationships.

toxic is not the right word, but relationships that I have outgrown, and out of obligation and guilt I stay in them. perhaps its loyalty.

[china cat]

Guilt, like jealousy, useless emotion. No rational explanation for its existence....however, probably the reason I have stayed in many "toxic" relationships.

toxic is not the right word, but relationships that I have outgrown, and out of obligation and guilt I stay in them. perhaps its loyalty.

or, co-dependency? the other person's happiness and well-being depends on me so I can't leave.

but that's not a reason to stay :heart:

[sums]

I ended the most toxic relationship I've ever had - the one with myself - she was really nasty to me...name calling, put downs...

I kicked her out. I like me, now. We get along great :mrgreen:

bravo! :clapping:

i did the same thing too, many years ago. every once in awhile she shows up and wants to have another go at it. i have to tell her "no" and why. she can be very persuasive! sometimes i just have to slam the door in her face and walk away.

:heart:

[jen s]

why do you have to end these relationships? Why not just take time away, in indefinite amount of time.

People come in and out of your life for a reason. If you don't like the way a person is treating you, then take a time out. When the time is right they will come back.

All relationships serve a purpose in your life, that is why you have them. Even the "worst" relationships that you enter into ultimately teach you a lesson, mostly about yourself.

I think the term "toxic" hit a nerve with me....I would be really bothered if a friend whom I had known for a long time, shared so many wonderful memories with ultimately defined our friendship as toxic.

People change, situations change, and so do relationships....just move on....

[TEO]

Sometimes people use manipulation, guilt, emotional, verbal or other forms of abuse to get you to stay, no time outs allowed.

[china cat]

because "toxic" is sometimes the best word to describe the effect another person has on you. and if that's the case it probably wasn't a relationship full of many wonderful memories, it was probably a relationship of convenience or with hurts/toxicity throughout. I don't think anyone was referring the the type of friendship of which you speak, jen. That seems more like a solid friendship that hit a bump in the road. different beast all together

and, sometimes relationships do need to end, and that may be the very lesson that person came into your life to teach you :wink:

having said that, sometimes parting ways for a time does allow people to grow up, put things in perspective and find a way back to one another

[jen s]

Sometimes people use manipulation, guilt, emotional, verbal or other forms of abuse to get you to stay, no time outs allowed.

I call these people family members.

Unfortunately, they tend to be the people I most would like to give a time out to.