How do you know you are ready to get pregnant/ be a parent?

[Dr. Lostreality]

Me and my fiance have been discussing having kids a lot lately, since with my career, around next spring/summer would be a pretty convenient time to get pregnant. If we didn't have a kid now, we realistically would probably end up waiting until I got tenure (which would be 8 years from now if all goes on schedule- I'm 26, so I will be 32 when I get tenure).

On the one hand, it would be a good time now, I think we are both responsible enough, and we can afford it. We both very much want to have kids.

But what is making me hesitate is that I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up my lifestyle. Not that I go out getting drunk every night (i don't even drink), but I like the freedom to go wherever, stay out late (although honestly I only go out like once or twice a month at most). I would give up salad for the pregnancy and nursing at least (now I 'eat it' every day), and of course all the other freedom's you give up when you have a child. I don't know if I'm ready to do that or not.

Also we are getting married in May, and have only been together 2 years at this point. Am I going to miss having that time just to ourselves if I have a kid right away?

So how do you know when you are ready to give up on your own 'childhood' (or young adulthood, whatever, you know what I mean)? Do you just know? Or does nobody feel ready until way after you already have a child, and is that normal?

[Nevrmore]

I didn't know I was ready until two types of birth control failed and I got 2 blue lines!

[Raynequeen]

i didnt know til it happened. then i MADE it ready.

i miss the ease of going out whenever i wanted, and the cost for HER was less than i thought - EXCEPT daycare - that is the only cost that kills me - but i think she was/is the best thing i've ever done - unplanned, and amazing :)

[Elphaba]

i was more ready when i was 20 than i was at 24. now that i am nearly 42 i'm really, really glad my daughter is 21 and not 10. does that help? :)

[mamapajama]

When I was younger, I thought I'd wait until my early 30s. Then, I had my daughter at 26 and my son at nearly 31 (both planned). I know that I was glad not to be as young as 18 when my daughter kept me up for hours in the night. Money always worked out. I was okay with putting the me-stuff on the back burner. I definitely made some career decisions for parenthood that have resulted in me seeing a few peers pass me by but I'm fine with that.

What you need plenty of is patience and selflessness. I think having a wonderful partner in the whole gig is a huge plus too.

[Dr. Lostreality]

I do have a wonderful partner. :) He is super excited about the idea too.

[Mama Kel]

I don't know if you're ever really ready. I always wanted kids & then in my early-mid 20's we had a great lifestyle that I didn't want to give up, later 20's I had to make some tough career-delaying decisions for my future kids...

It was really hard then, about a year later I didn't even think about it anymore & I think it was the best decision now - and it has lead my career in a whole other direction.

Good luck with your decision:heart:

[Its me Barbie]

I am 33 and pregnant and both Jim and I are very very very glad we waited until now. We had been together for ages and married for 2 years when we got pregnant! I loved my twenties! Jim and I had the time of our lives! I look forward to the rest of my 30's too. New adventures to come.

[melanie]

i dont think theres ever a perfect time! there will always be *something* just dont wait too long, i know so many people who had trouble getting pregnant for that reason (then also, my cousin waited till 42 and popped out 3 back to back with no fertility treatments).

I do think it is important though, to have SOME married-life time to yourselves before adding a baby. thats time you will NEVER get back and might regret forever if you miss it. thats just my humble opinion.

[seany]

Just popping in because I saw the thread and was really interested in what people said, their experiences, etc. Not a parent myself, though would still like to think there's a possibility in the future.

Rel - I have to comment on this statement, though:
... If we didn't have a kid now, we realistically would probably end up waiting until I got tenure (which would be 8 years from now if all goes on schedule- I'm 26, so I will be 32 when I get tenure). ...


Not wishing to cast any clouds over your career hopes, but being someone who has a Ph.D. and has about 20 friends that pursued one and went into academia afterwards (~ 1/2 in science/engineering, ~1/2 in liberal arts), this seems overly optimistic, if not highly unrealistic. Dissertations always take longer than anticipated. Jobs in academia are hard to come by - tenure track ones even harder. Nationally, there's something like 15+ people competing for every single academic opening, more for tenure track ones usually. Of the 20+ people I know that have graduated and gone on to teach (entering the market between 1998 and 2003), I only know of 3 that have achieved tenure and 3 others that have finally landed a tenure-track job after one or two moves. Most are still in non-tenure track positions. A few have left academia altogether.

I only point this out to say that I don't think it should enter into the equation/thought process yet as to when you are "ready" to have a child. It seems that considering whether having a child might impact the time line to finish your Ph.D. might be a more relevant question, but I wouldn't worry about the job aspect - tenure-track or not - until you cross that first threshold. IMO - there's probably no "right" time to have a baby and pursue an academic career early on in one's career, but I do know some who've managed and thrived, so it's certainly not impossible...

Sorry if I overanalyze things at times :blush:

Know that I wish you nothing but the best in marriage, parenting, and in pursuing your doctorate and career dreams :)
:heart:

[Dr. Lostreality]

Sean- I don't know what your field is like, but in my department (sociology/demography) we have a 90-100% placement rate in t-t jobs depending on the year for people on the academic job market- the only person I know who wanted and didn't get a t-t job also had no publications- and I have 3, and 3 more under review /about to be sent out (which is much higher than the average ABD applicant in my field). Also I'm halfway done with my dissertation- If all goes as planned I will have the bulk of my dissertation done by Fall 09, when I would first be getting pregnant. Even if all doesn't go as planned, I have almost an entire year after that as extra time to work on it. (which is why I was thinking then would be a good time to have a kid.) :) At the very very latest, worst case scenario, I would defend my dissertation a few months before giving birth. :)

[seany]

WOW! That's an extraordinarily high placement rate! I had no idea. In science/engineering it might be 20% tops. In literature, film, cultural studies (fields my other friends studied), it is lower than that. The schools will tell you higher numbers, but those are taken from those who respond to surveys ;) If you got a tenure-track job, of course you'll be proud to respond and tell about it. Not trying to be pessimistic, just saying that I know some pretty smart people from highly rated institutions with excellent research and publications and very few have coasted into a tenure-track position. My < 20% numbers are based their honest assessment of likelihoods based on what they and all of their friends and colleagues have witnessed in their respective job markets. Yours may be in much higher demand.

Best of luck with all of your decisions :)

[sums]

my kids are 28 and 19 and, half the time, i still don't think i'm ready to be a parent :lol:

[lil pixi]

IMO, you just KNOW! :heart: It's a sureness within.

[Mama Kel]

my kids are 28 and 19 and, half the time, i still don't think i'm ready to be a parent :lol:

:lol: Yeah I frequently say 'Who the hell put me in charge?' :lmao:

[Dr. Lostreality]

WOW! That's an extraordinarily high placement rate! I had no idea. In science/engineering it might be 20% tops. In literature, film, cultural studies (fields my other friends studied), it is lower than that. The schools will tell you higher numbers, but those are taken from those who respond to surveys ;) If you got a tenure-track job, of course you'll be proud to respond and tell about it. Not trying to be pessimistic, just saying that I know some pretty smart people from highly rated institutions with excellent research and publications and very few have coasted into a tenure-track position. My < 20% numbers are based their honest assessment of likelihoods based on what they and all of their friends and colleagues have witnessed in their respective job markets. Yours may be in much higher demand.

Best of luck with all of your decisions :)

Well this is just based on the people I know personally in my program who have graduated in the last 5 years (which is pretty much everyone who graduated last year and the year before, and most people before that). There have been a few people who went on to industry jobs (like at the census), but among those who I know personally, they never even applied to t-t jobs.

In the past few years in sociology in general there's been more job openings then applicants, (and it probably doesn't hurt that my school is the #1, #4 or #10 soc dept depending on the ranking system, and we only have 3-8 graduates each year). There's just not a lot of people out there getting a phd in sociology, and yet it's a really poplar major for undergrads. :) I know it's a lot worse in the humanities (especially english and history, from what I hear only 20% overall get tenure track jobs in those fields) and don't natural science people take a lot more industry jobs in general?

[In A Silent Way]

If everybody waited until they were ready, nobody would have babies.

[Mama Kel]

If everybody waited until they were ready, nobody would have babies.

Soooo true :wink:

[Dr. Lostreality]

IMO, you just KNOW! :heart: It's a sureness within.

see i feel ready to be a parent, and I want to be...i just over think everything all the time, and I can't help but obsess over every possible reason for or for not having a child. :)

[Drop_o_Rain]

Some things in life can't be planned.

:heart:

[KindGeeGirl]

You are never ready to have a child. That is why it takes 9 months to have one :wink:

[gdradio]

you're never ready ... until you KNOW.

[lil pixi]

see i feel ready to be a parent, and I want to be...i just over think everything all the time, and I can't help but obsess over every possible reason for or for not having a child. :)

I struggled through stages like that.
I think I really started to KNOW once the reasons for NOT having children & a family started to drop away more & more. Everything just started becoming a reason to do exactly what I always knew I'd be ready for someday. :heart:

[Misha]

:lol: Yeah I frequently say 'Who the hell put me in charge?' :lmao:

I feel that way all the time!! :lol::lol::lol::lol:

Lost Reality-You ask a really good question! For years and years and years, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children. I was happy just being with Howie and our cat. I also had a vague scared notion that I couldn't take care of a child because I couldn't even keep a houseplant alive! Then, when I hit my mid 30's the desire got really strong and it's all I could think about. I assumed that I could go off of birth control and get pregnant within months. It didn't work out that way and I had some pretty major fertility issues. But, I couldn't give up (and I'm glad I didn't!). So, this is what I think:

1. It's ok to make a game plan but just remember that unexpected stuff can happen that can change the path (I'm sure you already know that but I made so many assumptions before I got pregnant and it was hard to accept that things weren't going to go as planned).

2. One thing that surprised me is that after Jude was born, I had no desire to go back to work--my whole outlook had changed and my job as a librarian seemed very unimportant after he was born. I eventually did go back to work but it was amazing how much of a back seat my career took after he was born!

3. This is just an issue that I have that doesn't really pertain to your situation but I thought I'd mention it. I really regret waiting so long to have children. Of course I probably would have been a terrible Mom in my irresponsible 20s and 30s but now that I have Jude, I feel regret that we may not be able to have another baby because of my age and it breaks my heart.

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it and I think that's great!! It's such an exciting thing to think about.:heart: