Elder Care

[bsktcase]

I'm partially venting....but always accepting advice.

My parents moved my grandmother into their house after the big ice storm about a month or so ago. She's 81 but had two mild strokes and has mild emphysema. She's lived on her own for the past 5 years but her health, mental stability and strength are quickly declining.

After a few days of having her at the house, my parents realized that she cannot live on her own anymore. She won't change her clothes on her own because it's "too cold" to get undressed. She can't remember how to dial a phone and always dials the wrong number. She can't cook anymore (she made my uncle a batch of pickled eggs with ammonia instead of vinegar! and has burned broccoli on the stove more times than I'd care to smell), she can hardly walk and she has fallen a few times and not been able to lift herself up (yes, yes, she has life alert).

My mother has been preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner for her, has been bathing her, helping her get dressed and has been taking care of her medications for her all this time (she's been doing most of these things for the past two years anyway).

I know part of my grandmother just wants to give up and die. She's obviously upset about the fact that she has lost her independence. She spends all day either lying in bed to 'get warm' or watching tv.

Now, her mind is definitely starting to go. She keeps calling my mother by her sister's name. She is convinced that she is in HER house even though she knows she's in a different town (she thinks someone moved her house). She has hallucinations and talks to people and animals who aren't there. She refers to my brother by her nephew's name and thinks that my brother and his girlfriend sneak into her bed at night to keep her warm.

My parents work full time so my grandmother is home alone all day long. When my mother gets home she immediately has to clean up, take care of my grandmother, cook supper before 7pm (that is when my grandmother likes to go to bed), wash dishes and do the regular household chores that she does.

To everyone else it is obvious that my mother is more stressed out than usual. My grandmother, even though she may not realize it, is being a huge pain in the ass. She's always making nasty comments that the heat can't possibly be on because it's freezing in the house, my mother is 'too busy' to sit down and spend time with her, she doesn't like most of what my mother cooks for her and whenever she spills something or makes a mess, she blames it on someone else. I think because her mind is slipping, she's not aware of how much my mother is doing for her.

What bothers me the most is that my mother is the second oldest of four kids. One sister lives a few states away so she can't care for her (my grandmother did stay with her for 6 months two years ago) but her other kids won't lift a finger to help.

I tried to get my mother to consider moving her into a home. She shouldn't be the sole care giver. I realize it's not cheap but it IS financially possible. Not to mention the fact that my grandmother needs someone to be there 24 hours a day in case she does fall again or in case she decides to find the knobs for the gas stove (they're hidden) and accidentally burn the house down.

My mother feels guilty about putting her into a nusring home but I just think it's so unfair to my mother to have to take care of my grandmother like she does. Not only that, but she's got enough problems of her own. I feel that the longer this situation goes on, the more they're going to resent each other (and cause some sort of resentment between my mother and father).

[Jersey Thug]

((((all of you))))

this must be one of the hardest decisions to make...and one i hope nobody ever has to make for me. i just wanted to send you a little love, since i don't really have any useful advice. my grandparents lived long into their 90s but until the last couple of years were amazingly fine on their own. my mom did drive to my grandparents' farm in MD to be there with them every weekend from the time my grandmom got sick until my grandfather passed a few years later, but she had many siblings and lots of help locally, so it was her choice to be there and not necessity.

that does sound a lot for one person to take on (especially when/if even her best efforts just aren't enough) and i hope you all find a better solution soon. :heart:

[KrisNYG]

I had a similar situation with my mom and grandmother. We juggled the situation for years until my mother finally started looking into assisted living. When my grandmother finally went in she was happier. She had friends other than us, and when we went to visit it was to spend time with her rather than take care of her.

The thing that I had to learn, being the grand daughter, was the relationship and all the feelings between my mother and my grandma were different than what I was experiencing. My mother felt tremendous guilt for even thinking of putting her own mother in a "home" and she was coming one step closer to becoming an orphan (so to speak). No matter what the age of everyone involved she is still your mom's mommy. To see the relationship shift from being cared for to becoming the caregiver is a very hard pill to swallow.

I learned that my mother had to make that decision in her own time. I do know that an outsider in the same situation with her dad was able to get through to her better than I was. It's hard as the grand child when you know what is best but really can't understand the situation until faced with it in the same way.

So hard. My best to you and your family.:heart::heart::heart:

[bsktcase]

Thank you ladies.

I spoke to a friend of mine who put her father into a nursing home. She basically said what you did, KrisNYG.....that my mother has to figure it out on her own. I can understand and respect that. The woman has PATIENCE! :heart:

[little frog]

i promised my mother i would never put her in a home, as she spent part of her childhood in a home and has horrible memories. i plan to stick to that promise no matter how much stress it adds to my life, family is everything. i do not understand a society that puts it's old people away. I don't mean to be critical, i know you're worried about your mom, but there is a bigger picture here, imho.

i do think the other siblings should share this burden, equally, no matter what choice is made.

now, assisted living is a different situation, and i believe it's for people who are pretty much still mentally competent. if your grandmother is suffering from dementia, which it sounds like, perhaps someone could come in and help.

i really like old ways better, when families stayed families forever, when everyone took care of each other.

[sarah b.]

hi. :heart: please, seriously beware, re: post-stroke, the falls tend to increase (I am not a doctor; ask a doctor).
for elder carey stuff: www.caring.com
for strokey stuff (great, great boards): http://my.americanheart.org/jiveforum/forum.jspa?forumID=40

[Elphaba]

it is important to weigh the quality of life of all parties involved. is your grandmother receiving the medical and personal care she should? is your mother able to take care of herself emotionally and physically? does she have the time and energy to attend to her own needs?

i visit an elderly woman in a nursing home who is the mother of someone very close to me, who is unable to care for her theirself. a lot of people are critical of this, but caring for elderly/disabled/ill people at home is a very personal decision one that very often includes or is made by the person in question or based on how they feel about the situation. it isn't always a story of someone being "put away". so many times, no matter how much you love someone it is just not possible to care for them at home. if you can that is fantastic, but some people just cannot.

as stated, finances are always part of it, safety, quality of care, quality of life, dignity, stress level of the family and the family member being cared for.

my lady is unable to walk or do her own personal care, dispense her own meds and has emotional issues. other than that she is cognitively aware.

the nursing home takes excellent care of her, but it is still our responsibility to provide her emotional support and supplement her care with our personal and loving input, bring home cooked food on occaision, make things as normal as possible and visit often.

there should be information available at your state's health department web site Q & A for care for the elderly.

well that's my story. i hope your family can come to a resoultion to this dilemma that no one ever wants to face :heart:

[georgi]

:heart:

[fire_rocket]

I know it's hard to see your grandmother berate your mom so much, but I don't think she's doing it on purpose. My grandmother had dementia and was so mean to everyone but she couldn't help it- it's part of the disease. I'm sure your grandma is not being intentionally mean. :heart:

Can you guys hire a nurse for when your parents are out of the house? Yes it comes down to finances once again, but that's another solution instead of putting your grandmother into assisted living or a nursing home. We also did that with my grandmother and it worked out well. This nurse could take care of some of the house hold duties so your mom wouldn't have it so tough when she got home every night.

It is really sad that her siblings aren't helping out. Are they helping out at all financially?

Your mother is a saint.:heart: I hope this all gets easier for your family.

[bsktcase]

Fire rocket, I'm sure my grandmother isn't doing it on purpose. She's actually said hurtful things to her kids throughout their lives but never 'intended' for what she said to be taken negatively. Oh well.

No one is helping financially. One of my mother's siblings won't speak to my grandmother and the other one who lives nearby....will bite your head off if you even imply that you want her help in any way, shape or form. My mother has always been the 'nice' one in the family. Hahaha...

My mother talked to my grandmother about hiring a nurse or at least someone to come in a few days a week (this was when she was still living at home) to help her out with chores/bathing/meds. My grandmother said she would consider it but in the end did not want a stranger in her house nor did she want to pay so much money. Sigh.

I suppose it's time to bring that point up again. Even if someone came in for four hours a day, I know it would be a huge help.

I'll look into this and get as much detailed info as I can. It might be easier for my mother to think about if the research has already been done.

Thanks again everyone for all of your advice, links and support. :heart:

[SunshineDrummer]

I understand. My grandmother lived with us for several years when I was young and it took a real toll on all of us, but mostly my mom since she was the primary caregiver. I was only 9 when she moved in and could only do so much, my sis was an infant and my dad worked all day.

Grandma had a stroke, was paralyzed on her left side & almost blind. There came a time when, even with an aide coming in a few days a week to help, it was just too much for my mom. Grandma's health had deteriorated further and it was beyond my mom's abilities to care for her so mom & dad made arrangements for Grandma to go to a nursing home. Was probably the hardest thing my mom ever had to do--I remember her crying & crying about it. But it had to happen because if she stayed living with us, it probably would have been to her detriment and also my mom's. She needed to be in a place where should could get the care she needed.

I guess the one difference is that Grandma's mind was still sharp and she understood and accepted what was happening and that going to the nursing home was probably for the best. I actually think she had an easier time with the decision than my mom did.

She got excellent care at the facility she went to and it was close to out house so we could go over several times a week for visits. In the end, it was definitely the right move and my mom did get her guilt about putting her mom in a nursing home once she saw what good care the pople who lived there were getting.

I hope your mom finds peace with her decision. I totally understand wanting to keep family together and the guilt pangs your mom must be feeling. But if this is best for your granmother's health (and your mom's) then so be it. You're not abandoning your grandmother at all, just making sure she gets the care & attention she needs.

I hope everything works out. Much love & strength to you & your family. :heart:

[-anna]

after a nasty fall my mom and her siblings agreed to put gram (she's 92 now but was 91 when she fell) into a home, she was found on the floor by one of the nurses that we brought in to care for her during the day several hours later (that nurse wasn't scheduled to be there but just stopped in to see her).

she was living in a 2 family with my aunt and her husband upstairs and gram living downstairs, prior to that she had lived with my mom and us kids and for a while in an apt on her own with a dog. after catching a wall on fire they turned her stove off and eventually even had to take away the electric tea kettle because she would leave it on for hours even a full day. she has dementia and is now down to about a 15 minute cognitive loop so to speak, every 15 minutes or so you'll get the same questions or stories repeated. she doesn't know who anyone is except for her children but rarely gets upset at not knowing you.

at this point she needs a lot of care, more than my mother, uncle and aunt (who was a nurse) can provide for her. she is chipper most of the time but there's a lot of paranoia and she too talks to people who aren't here anymore, gets mad about things that happened 50 years ago or occasionally she comes out with something really out of left field - when she first met my cousin's girlfriend, a very sweet 23 yo, last summer, gram turned to her and said out of nowhere "if rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it". um thanks for the tip G!

she has melanoma on her forehead and is being treated with radiation, the radiation the drs think led to a sack of fluid collecting around her heart causing her to lose consciousness this week so she's now in an icu. i credit her being in the home with her still being with us this week, if she was alone for hours as she had been while living with my aunt, even with the nurses coming in to check on her, she might not have survived this last problem, and the home rushed her immediately to the best cardiac unit in the area.

this is a really hard thing on my mom as it is with all children trying to care for their parents, and it's a tough thing for me to watch my mother go through too. my mom's at the home everyday visiting because she feels terrible that she can't take care of her. and gram still talks about going back to her apt all the time. gram is still in there but you only get snippets of the feisty lady that she used to be, hell she was still driving in her 80s and giving people the finger who cut her off - the most regal finger i've ever witnessed! the downward slide with dementia can be so fast - and hours alone drs said seems to speed it all along.

i wish you and yours strength and peace in whatever you decide to do. it is a really difficult thing to decide what is best for everyone involved, in our case G doesn't not want to be there but we all know that we can't care for her as she needs so much now.

[lost-in-boston]

There is so much great advice here but clearly I always add my own .02 :wink:

First of all....the siblings, someone besides your mother needs to tell them what is what. Enough already, act like fucking adults. The circle of life is that your parents take care of you till its time for you to care for them, whatever care that maybe (financial/physical ect). IMO, were they MY sibs and I was in your mom's situation, or was it my mother fighting w/ her brothers I would step in. (but I tend to do that when one person is being taken advantage of). It is UNACCEPTABLE to just brush off the care of a mother to one sibling when there are multiples. Decisions should be made as a group, financially and physically. It angers me that this is all falling on your mother. I had a different situation...I was the only one my mother had and for 4 years I was there, 24/7 to make sure she had the care she needed. (clearly different circumstances)

Secondly...maybe for now, since mom is feeling the weight of guilt, putting her mother in a home, a day nurse could come into the house to help out w/ the bathing, changing, meds and daily checkups. Look into her insurance (assuming grandma has insurance) and alot of times Drs will work with the family to write certain things off a certain way for insurance purposes.
Again, this would help mom not have to come home and do it ALL. She could just do the evening stuff ya know? Even if the nurse is 3 days a week, its better than nothing.

Love to your mother and family. Such hard stuff to deal with. My dad was horrified to put his dad in a nursing home, the only reason the kids agreed to it was bc my cousin worked in the nursing home and threatened lives of nurses/aids to make sure he had all the care he needed.

:heart:
good luck w/ everything...

[HoopsTer]

I know exactly what you're going through, or well my mother knows exactly what your mother is going through. She is the oldest of 7 and the only one who cares for or even pays attention to her step-mother. While Kitty doesnt live in my mom's home, my mother drives 2.5 hourse every other weekend to spend the weekend with her. 2.5 hours! Even though my mom has 2 sisters and 1 brother that live less than an hour away. The only time they ever contact Kitty is when they are looking for an hand out. My mom is currently looking to buy a new home that will accomodate Kitty. It's only a matter of time before one is found and she moves in.

My mother carries a tremendous burden of guilt about Kitty's estate. While it's not overly large, it is significant. When my grandfather passed, their joint will said that all assets would pass to my grandfather's children, equally (Kitty doesnt have any biological children). About two years ago, Kitty revised her will and is leaving 90% of her assets to my mother and I. The other 10% are to be split equally among the remaining 6 children. It seems drastic, but my mother and I are the only people who pay attention to her or care for her. When she does pass, it's all going to hit the fan. )))greedy siblings(((

Elder care is such a hard situation. And estate planning isn't any easier either. :sad:

So I dont know if I have any real advice, but i DO know that you and your mother are not alone in this situation. :heart: